I've been thinking about SM lately. I hope I'm not giving away trade secrets here because I don't want my official Aspie card revoked..maybe they will just cut off one of the corners. There are some things...that are rarely spoken of. Almost like an unwritten code of honor, that we don't share.
Eldest broke one of the unwritten rules a couple of weeks ago. "You never ask for something that you cannot get". It just runs against the grain to ask for something that is unobtainable. We are unusually extremely careful about what we ask for because of the fear of rejection.
I don't know if it is "our", mine and Eldests unwritten rule, that of all Aspies or mine alone. No clue really.
Anyway, I guess I used to see SM as just a part of the visceral, physiological exhaustion process. When the body/ brain overloaded and shut down in response to too much stress. More and more I read where brain chemistry and hormones dictate behaviors and that Aspies and Bipolars share some of that chemistry in the phenomenon of vivid dreams and some roller coaster moods. This past month, I saw and maybe for the very first time, the separateness of SM from pure physical exhaustion. Maybe SM is an aside...is it a separate experience? Or a precursor of the shutdown? Honestly, I didn't think it could exist on its own until recently.
But I digress...its hard to let people in to some of the sacred things. Then I think, well, its not like anyone can stop me from going there or that i will run in to anyone I know there..because it is mine alone.
How does it feel? Its like you are in a stadium for a major sporting event, you know, with lots and lots of noise, people scattered everywhere all yelling and screaming, loudspeakers going with music and cheers, and you see the tunnel...leading out of the stadium. And only you can see the tunnel. And you don't necessarily have to walk towards it because it slowly is moving towards you.
All you have to do is stand up and take a few steps and you are in it. Sure, you can still hear the crowds with the first step...but it gets a little more distant with each one. And more distant..and more..and more. Its like in slow-motion...until you hear the most beautiful of sounds....absolutely nothing...silence.
The lights are dim...there is only breathtakingly beautiful silence.
Physiologically, in real time, real life, my lips and face get heavy and form a sort of mask. I can actually feel it. Almost as if my lips gently clamp shut and on the inside of them there is a slight smile, a subtle turning up of the corners of my mouth that no one can see. Other times I describe it as an invisible vice. And the amount of effort that it takes to verbalize....think Incredible Hulk. It really is very challenging and a monumental effort to get anything through and out.
In a small way, I think part of this might be what the Neuro-Typical feels in that all the rushing, speeding trains of thought that describe my normal thought processes on most days, stops. The trains dissolve, as does the station. Even the tracks disappear. All is calm.
It is Nirvana in that all suffering stops. Ouch, that must be my way of saying that the external becomes too painful..or that the internal simply cannot tolerate anymore.
Maybe a more apt term would be Shangri La, a mysterious, harmonious valley. I know this..it is extremely peaceful and a lot like twilight. Its a resting place, a respite and easily the greatest place of healing. Besides, its the only "off" switch that I own.
It is both beautiful and frightening...and I don't really care for the completely out-of-my-control aspect. I must say that that is the most bothersome part about it..that, and the not knowing if I can ever find my way out of the valley or when that will be. Yeah, the first few times i noticed it, that was the most frightening part...not knowing if or when it will abate. Its a vulnerability, because you can no longer defend yourself verbally. What if a teacher (my most usual opponent) screwed up or challenged me? Then what? Thats the negative part.
On the positive side..omg, it is close to pure heaven...the sky is a slightly overcast blue, you can smell the flowers, even the stream is flowing gently and silently. If I listen, I can hear things happening on the outside. Nothing can hurt me here. Yeah, I become pretty numb here. And no one can hurt me not even me.
And part of me would love nothing more than to live there forever and a very equal part of me wants nothing more than to leave. But it is a fight without fighting. A battle with no weapons or even harsh words. Mostly, its an opportunity for healing and respite. I take it as a genuine, soundless cry.
I guess the only real problem, in my mind, is when it interferes with the everyday existence...when there are things that need doing and only I am the one. And, probably, if it lasts too long...but I cannot really judge time there or what is too long? Can a vacation ever be too long? Is there a time limit on how long a treatment can take to restore one to health? I don't know.
So how does it end...how is it that I leave this place? I never really know, I guess I already established that but usually, almost always, I would think, it is gradual. Maybe I wake up in the morning and I can sense thoughts, words, partial sentences forming slightly overhead. Or maybe I am thrust out when some situation arises in which I am forced, compelled to act.
There have been times when I sensed that Eldest had a lot going on and he wasn't able to articulate anything. I would give him a great big hug or I would call him down stairs from his lair, and have him sit next to me on the couch. It seemed that being in close proximity and gentle physical contact, would "break the spell" or "force the issue". He seemed to come around shortly there after and start talking. More often than not, he would reveal something he had been thinking about, wondering, contemplating..something bugging him. Sometimes not...and we would just sit there for awhile..then he would go outside or upstairs for awhile only to return hours later in a more expressive mood. So physical contact works pretty good. i know of no other way of dealing that is effective.
Anyway, I don't know, it seems like this is the first time that I have had a lot of clarity and been able to see and sense the selective mutism. The biggest thing to remember, always, always, always, it is not a conscious choice. And it is a true quandary.
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