A Positive Aspie Day...this Is funny..Aspergers

A semi-typical Aspie day...
So,I went to the grocery store early this morning after dropping Younglink at school. Immediately, upon entering, I smelled intense cleaning fluid, like, Mr. Clean, is my guess. It was pretty darn strong but then, I noticed the floors. Wow, they were almost shiny and I had never seen them so clean before. So, this clean floor factor weighed heavily in my mind and thoughts.
I turn the corner at the bakery section and run into an acquaintance from Younglinks school..another parent who I do popcorn day with.
We exchanged the usual, mandatory pleasantries of "How are yous?"
And then I unceremoniously and with no censorship exclaimed, "Did you see how clean the floors are? OMG,they smell great, don't they?"
Okay, so she got just a mildly odd look on her face but didn't really skip a beat when she said, "Why, I hadn't noticed."
I am so glad I work with her at popcorn day, because she knows I am Aspie. She has never really seen me in my Rainman, blurt out whatever is on my mind mode. But she is a big girl and she dealt.
As I walked away I chuckled to myself. See, this is what happens when I agree to stop censoring myself. Whilst I become more comfortable with myself, my autism shows quite a bit more.
Its all pretty new for me..taking this risk of not being so self-restrained and dressing in muzzle and straitjacket every morning when my feet hit the floor.
I thought I would try this "freedom" thingy and be more comfortable with myself and my processes. I decided to step out more than I ever have. And, yes, I am taking it slowly, but it feels down right gratifying.

The other thing I did which was totally out-of-the-box and out of character...I went to a local public meeting, which was filmed and all. Before God, the camera and about 16 people, I stood up, heavily in the midst of a panic attack with my heart pounding out of my chest (you know, I have had them, panics, so very often, I should be quite used to them and the unsettling feeling, so I dealt) and stated my plea for "I voted" stickers. Because other districts hand them out, it promotes voting and dammit, give me my sticker!
I am not sure what exactly possessed me, but this seemed an inviting issue to tackle.
Did I mention I flew solo? That I went completely by myself and I was fine with that?
On the way to the meeting, I gave myself an out and said that I would simply attempt this and if I positively could not do it, than no harm done. But I Was going to attempt this!
And I gloriously and without a twitch, stood up, looked the board chairman in the eye and pleaded my case.
I guess I won't know till the next election if the stickers will start flowing or not..but I can sleep at night knowing I made my case known.
And yes, if stickers do start showing up on election day, well, I will get ALLLL the credit. I deserve it.
Yeah Baby!!!!

Fear of Being Alone, Monophobia, Isolophobia, Agoraphobia

As long as I can remember, I have been afraid to be by myself. whether it be in my own home, on the road, or at a different location.
So I searched the internet and found this on Answers.com: What phobia is the fear of being alone?
Answer: The phobia related to the extreme fear of being alone is known as Isolophobia, Autophobia or Monophobia.
The phobia can manifest itself in several different ways. Some people experience a constant fear of being alone. These individuals feel that hey must consistently be in the company of others. In this form, the phobia can have a huge impact on the individuals quality of life and may require years of therapy. Other people only experience the extreme fear of being alone when triggered by some sort of stimuli. This stimulus may be related to a traumatic event in their past that has been linked in the mind to being alone. In a way, it is a defense mechanism. That fear is created to avoid ever finding yourself in a similar situation to that which caused so much suffering in the past.
Monophobia- is an acute fear of being alone and having to cope without a specific person, or perhaps any person, in close proximity.
Monophobia is often seen as part of the agoraphobic cluster. "Fear of fear" (fear of a panic attack) seems to be a component of the agoraphobia but there are many other factors that lead to the avoidance central to the disorder and not all agoraphobics experience panic attacks. People with agoraphobia often suffer from a "cluster" of phobias,as mentioned and Monophobia may be one. Generally agoraphobics find it very difficult or impossible to carry out certain activities. These could be going into crowded or public places, lifts, public transport or simply anywhere away from home where "escape" or immediate access to help is not possible. They will also fear standing in queues, going on bridges or sitting in any place where they feel "trapped", such as at a hairdressers or dentists. A companion is often sought and rapidly becomes essential. There can also be additional fears, predominantly "social" ones such as fear of blushing, trembling, talking, eating or writing in front of people and of being stared at. (Okay, they have me to a T on all counts here :)
It can be seen from this that agoraphobia tends to reduce self-confidence and the belief that activities can be carried out alone. It can be a short step from here to a belief that being alone at all is not safe. A person suffering from panic disorder might also believe that he/ she will die or collapse or do something terrible when panic strikes and this too might make having a trustworthy person present seem as if it is essential, so leading to monophobia. Some people with social difficulties might also believe that a trustworthy companion is vital before they enter social situations.
Some monophobic people who have few typical agoraphobic or social symptoms, retaining the ability to function in virtually any situation as long as they have somebody with them at all times. In fact the "pure" monophobic may be indistinguishable from the general population, perhaps even more outgoing that most, when accompanied by a trusted companion.
Anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that the monophobic persons feeling of being unsafe, is probably the main focus. This has been seen to occur out of severe self-doubt.
As with any anxiety disorder, monophobics cannot be talked or bullied out of their problem. The anxiety is not trying to cause them harm, it is mistakenly trying to help them, wrongly, that they are in terrible danger when alone. This anxiety does not have a lot of sense, it is operating on the intellectual level of a young child rather than an adult and the way to prove to it that being alone is not dangerous is by experiencing the fact, not talking about it, as with a child. This means working out a structured recovery program where the person is left alone for gradually increasing periods. Medication may be needed.

Well, thats what was written. And I can agree with the vast majority of it.
Next post...I will deal..I will go there

101 Reasons Not to Talk...Going Non-Verbal..Aspergers

Last week, as I was walking with a friend of mine, I very off-handedly and off-the-cuff stated half-jokingly, that there are 101 reasons Not to talk. Whilst it was an exaggeration, there really are a couple dozen valid Aspie-headed reasons not to say a word.
I realized that one of the main reasons that I do not, as a rule, ask personal, socially acceptable questions like,"How are you?", "What are you doing?", "what do you think?" is that if I ask a question, say, "What do you think?" then that ..opens me up to get that same question asked back at me. Its a socially acceptable custom I noticed years ago. And I avoid that at all costs.
Its like, I am very inquisitive and curious as to how those neuro-typicals operate and think, but in order to find that info out..I have to take a huge risk and I might very easily, be put on the spot and the question mimicked back. Don't really want to go there.
As an example...I don't recall ever asking someone, "What are you thinking?" other than my Partner of 17 years. Before I even asked, I had to seriously contemplate whether it was worth it to ask when it might rebound. I took that chance and thankfully, it did not bounce back. Whew.
"What are you doing?" is a big toughie as it feels like I am invading someones privacy, sanctity, space and private world...OH, that's right...nt's don't live in little secure, predictable fortresses like I do..Note-to-self :)
I am finding that the average NT frequently likes to share thoughts, inner musings and such with a much greater frequency than I ever imagined. Its like, with some people, the door is always open. Hmmm, as opposed to the Aspien way of the door is always shut and "Don't you dare Knock" attitude is often present:)

What I consider as serious, heavy-duty personal questions (How do you
feel about that? and "What do you think about that?) are nothing more than average NT social questions. So, you can see why this Aspie has been rather seriously hampered in the social graces and everyday inquiries and banter.
Plus, if I ask.."How are you?" , they might really, really tell me and it could be they think ill of me or there is a huge family drama going on or they might solicit my advice on their intimate personal problems or tell me something graphic or otherwise, upsetting. Too Much Info. Plus, factor in the, sometimes I really don't care and I am trying to be polite. Hurdles and Obstacles in the form of verbal banter.
Questions are huge challenges and full of potential problems. So, except for friends and the perfunctory "How are you?" I tend not to ask them too often.
And its none of my business. Ouch, where did that come from? I guess rejection and rudeness is also a potential that concerns me. I mean, how many times, in my sweet, family of birth, did I ask something and was told to "Shut Up" and that it was none of my business?....far too often.
So, thus is one of the Biggie reasons that I do very little inquiry and why I am quite careful in who I ask what to:) Just wanted to share....peace out

Oh, too funny, as I write this my radio is playing No Doubt and "Don't Speak". How appropriate :)

Feeling Safe...Aspergers, Autism

I have noticed that I have been using the word "safe" quite a lot in some previous posts. So, since I "go literal" and mean exactly what the dictionary says, and since Most Nts have individualized and highly subjective dictionaries of their own that they use...allow me to explain myself....

Safe: free from danger, damage, harm

(and why is it such a big deal for me?)
I feel safe at my home. I feel safe in my own yard, but venture outside of that perimeter, well, anything can happen and safe level drops considerably.I feel safe in my own home, but only when someone else/ another family member is home with me. (a separate issue that I am working on). I feel relatively safe within my own vehicle. This last week, I felt safe in a strange, foreign environment, to a large degree for hours on end. The latter would be a big first for me.
I feel somewhat safe at my sons school, going for walks in my woods, going to the grocery stores and other local businesses...relatively, somewhat with the biggest unpredictability factor being people.
The more people that there are at any given location, the more likely it is that I will be unexpectedly accosted. (For the uninitiated the dictionary states accost: to approach and speak) I never know who will accost/ speak to me...people talking to me often, though, not necessarily always (I have a number of friends who speak to me and I welcome it and experience no fear) cause me to physically and mentally tense up, go on point, get defensive and basically, stress out. Its just the way it is. I feel that i have covered the whole people talking to me and why it is a stress in some recent, previous posts, so I will not rehash here.
New and strange locations are the biggest offenders as the variables are completely unknown and anything can happen at any moment. So, it surprised me that I felt so almost completely safe during my recent venture. And I really, really like feeling safe. Its nothing but a warm, comforting glow that engulfs and stabilizes. I think it is pretty cool that I get to periodically experience what most people feel on any given day.

One huge factor is the company I keep. Wherever I go with my Partner (and we have traveled quite a bit throughout the US) I experience a stronger level of safe than if I were alone. On my little tripy, I was with someone who I also deeply trusted. Environment..the company I keep is a very large indicator of how safe this Aspie will feel.
I realize now, that feeling safe is a given for most...and that my level of feeling that some people, new environments, different smells and unusual feels are dangerous is outside the normal scope.
I am aware that most NTs walk around wearing a degree of comfortability and that they don't worry that behind a closed door lurks anything other than the safe and familiar. I understand that when someone walks towards them they do not recoil or throw up defensive walls or start searching for the exit. And that every knock on the door is not an intruder, a threat, an accoster..it may just be someone handing out free cookies and milk. Who would have thought?
Its a strange and unpredictable place out there...but its not quite as dangerous and menacing as it was a couple of weeks ago...
Home is safe but once I step outside that door, past the end of my driveway, anything and everyone can happen and the entire ballgame changes. Call it social anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of peoples, general anxiety, whatever, its just the way it is

Travel, Hotels, Glass Elevators, Revolving Doors, Adapting

So six of my last ten posts have started with, "So I went to this conference last week...". And probably the next 20 posts will begin in the same fashion...
So, I went to this conference last week. Change and new things can be quite challenging.

At the hotel, within the first ten minutes, I was presented with three rather fearful and scary scenarios. Yes, three in those first few minutes.
The first threat was the automatic revolving door. I am familiar with the non-automatic kind. You know, the ones in which you control them all by yourself. Those I understand and have experienced.
Upon arriving at the front of this hotel, it was quite clear that this was no average non-automated model. It may have even said Automatic on a sign, either way, I was startled to the point of coming to a complete and abrupt stop. Luckily, I was with a small group of seasoned travelers and had they not kept moving, i surely would have stood there for a spell...just trying to comprehend it. Was it safe? How did it work? What if I got stuck? Is there another entrance?
Yes, there were a couple of other single, normal opening doors off to each side. I don't remember clearly but i think I took the side doors in and out for the first half dozen times or so.
All I kept thinking about was Will Ferrell as Elf and how he played, running and screaming in the revolving door until he got ill and threw up,only to jump back in the door again. It looked much less menacing on the tv screen.

Moving on to hurdle number two. As we were checking in, I noticed that there was a glass elevator in the lobby. Dang, but i am sure they have another "normal", enclosed model somewhere for those of us who are afraid of heights. My companions informed me, Nope. So we piled in.
I took the position of being in intimate contact with the number board, the farthest away from the glass and muttered obscenities under my breath the entire way up to...wait for it...the second floor.

Whew, I thought my challenges were over..until I looked down the Open Hall that led to our room. By Open I mean it was like an open-air walkway with a four foot high wall on each side and nothing but air and a clear view to the lobby below. No, not fun.
Since there was no way around this one Either (yes, I say that with a bit of exasperation and disbelief) I walked directly down the middle away from both edges and not looking down or off to the sides.
Enough already. I mean, new places are mountains enough but pass through the three challenges was quite overwhelming.

Okay, so I stayed there two nights and two and a half days. During that brief time period...everything about these three changed.
I am Aspie and I adapt. The key to a successful life is in the ability to be flexible and adapt.

The first half dozen times riding the elevator nothing really changed...but the next day...I figured the elevator must be relatively stable. So each time I used it, I ventured a little farther away from the number board and started peaking around. And each time, I felt a wee bit more secure and safe so that on our last day there, my friend and I got in the elevator along with some other lady who was going to the fifth floor. And I had to convince my bud that we really should ride it all the way up. And we did. Granted, I stopped looking down half-way up but I did it. I set about to challenge myself to overcome, deal and adapt. I succeeded.

The revolving door was a similar situation. On my own, I was able to check it out a little more thoroughly. I would covertly watch people going in and out and kindof figured out how to probably do it right without injury. So I did. And I kept doing it until it became downright fun. I kept finding myself doing this little dance, this skipping to get on it. I did have to self-restrain myself because secretly, I wanted to go round and round until someone threw me off, but I did not muster the courage for that one..too many people in the lobby.

The elevator and door which were clearly huge problems when I first met them, became playthings. I actually looked forward to them with the door coming in first place.
Now that darn walkway...well it never got comfy cozy or turned into a plaything but I did get used to it enough not to worry or dwell on. I probably continued to stay close to the center of the path, (I stopped paying attention so I'm just not sure) but I did catch myself lightly glancing over the sides and admiring the art on the walls on more than one occasion.

So, this Aspie was downright pleased with her "performance". I figured the conference would go one of three ways. Either it would go really, really bad...really, really good...or somewhere in the middle. It went really, really good.

A Typical Conversation...Talking and Aspergers

I went to the grocery store, the other day, and ran into someone that I know pretty well. She is someone that I like and who would appear to be harmless and quite safe.
We greeted each other with a wonderful hug and then the problems began...we started talking.
Immediately, I notice that my whole body tenses up, especially my chest and my throat. I start my routine of trying to control any tics or erratic body movements.
I start going back, in my memory, to everything I know about her, when was the last time we had talked and what the subject matter was. Since she is a fb friend, I was scrolling through her statuses, what she has commented on, her interests, looking and searching for talking points...What do I say? What is she going to ask?
I guess widespread anxiety would be the most fitting term, or subtle,subdued and unseen panic would be the terms to describe how I was feeling.

So I started out by mentioning my week, and she filled in her current work status...and then she asked about my family, the little guy and partner...and I kindof thought that was it. (From the get-go, I tend to wonder how long any convo is going to be and hoping for a short one) Then, her face got kindof funny, hmmm, serious and inquisitive and she asked about Eldest, in a very polite and nonthreatening way.
Twice in the past week, people have inquired and the following reaction was par for the course: Immediately (the most obvious and noticeable symptom) my eyes get "wild" and they go above, beyond and all around..its like I am trying to escape and keep my emotions in check...yeah, I lose all eye contact for awhile. Then I find the words, the script that I have previously used, and I start reciting. Of course, I am struggling even more to control the body movements at this point and my eyes, are really the only thing that prove to be impossible to contain. She continues asking questions about this subject and the first thing that jumps in my head is the dream I had last night where a taxi brought Eldest home and he came upon the porch and whilst I was inside, he stood on the porch crying uncontrollable and then I realized this and went out and embraced him. Shit, I said that out loud, now to escape that one and move on quickly....There were a few questions about him, very appropriate questions from someone who genuinely is concerned but that did not help my anxiety.
Then the next few minutes were all about, how do I get out of this? How can I nicely end this conversation and get on with the task at hand?

There were more pleasantries and then I was free to leave.
Seriously, the majority of conversations are like this. I do have friends with whom I am more comfortable to varying degrees but from my 5 minute talk with Younglinks teacher in the morning, to the words I may exchange in the hall with this person or that, talking is very stressful. And after conversations, I am physically and emotionally tired.
I guess, I never really realized my physical symptoms of what made talking a rather unpleasant task,at times, until the past couple of days when I actually engaged in a long conversation in which it was not in the least uncomfortable. I experienced freedom and actual enjoyment in a very long conversation and it allowed me to see what was stressful in most talks, what is running through my head and what strategies I use to deal with this minor (to the NT) facet of everyday life.
So, this is my aspie life..

Going to the Grocery Store...Sensory Overload

Little things are big things

If i have been in the house for a few days, I have noticed that I am more aware of sights and sounds once i venture out again.
Case in point..I went to the grocery store today, after being home ill all week. My first steps into the store was an assault of the senses...mostly hearing. I could hear at least three different refrigerator units, motors whirring and twirling each with an individual sound. Two can and plastic bottle machines were in use.There were the three checkouts with people, clerks, baggers, muffled multiple conversations.
People walking in all directions..some towards me, others away or off to the side. Its a matter of maneuvering and figuring out the easiest and sometimes, quickest path to my destination.
The lights..lots of bright light with the produce section being illuminated by some horrendous type of lighting that causes me to hurry past, slightly closing my eyes from the glare.
There are only two grocery stores in my town and both seem to have identical produce lighting.
Some days the smells bother me but this day, I am still pretty stuffy so that is one thing I don't end up thinking about.
Oh, and I have little tolerance for those people that offer free samples of this crap or that...ewww, I avoid them like the plague, with their false smiles and small vials of new and improved swill. They make me very uneasy, maybe its because they have no problem invading my personal space or maybe its because they are one of those unexpected, unanticipated factors that do nothing but irritate and annoy.
More often than not, the Grocstore is the place that one if mostly likely to find me talking to myself. With my senses all atwitter, it is hard for me to find my own thoughts. I have my list in hand but often find myself mumbling slightly aloud as i read of the items and try and locate them. I am aware that I am doing this and modify it whenever possible but it is quite a challenge. There is simply too much going on around me and focus is often lost. That is probably one reason I enjoy going to the store with someone else, usually one of my boys. It looks like I am talking to them.
I try and make my list as complete as possible so I don't have to guess or try and figure out if we need this or that. Frequently, if I remember something not on the list, I go from one end of the store to the other, more than once.
At times, I will ignore an aisle that i need something in, if too many people are present or if it is congested. I simply move on and come back to it later.
I saw the coolest sight there today...a young man with ear muffs on to cut down on the noise. I can only guess he was autistic and I, like, got it! Great idea.

I have had days where I have need to go to the store, driven into the parking lot, saw way too many cars and just left because some days it is too challenging to deal. It happens..no biggie. Or I have modified my list to just the barest of essentials and gone from there.
Its all a matter of adjustment, adapting and finding out what works and being okay with that.
Thus is the life of an Aspie :)

Inside My World

Sometimes people say the same thing over and over and fail to ever really explain what they mean.
Frequently, I have been know to say "that I live in my own little world". I think that deserves an explanation. Lets' go there....
I live largely within a world of thought, memories, possibilities and emotations. Its like living in a very large room that is filled with loops, streams, fragments and spheres. At times, it seems very crowded and different shapes vie for my attention. Frequently one of these small floating arenas engulf me and I become engrossed, almost trapped and have a hard time escaping whatever thought or memory has captured my attention. Each shape contains either large or small bits of information. Mostly, I sit back, within myself and am analyzing.
Frequently, I am sure it appears, that my eyes have glazed over and it appears that "no one is home". At those times I am all inside...sometimes pondering, sometimes escaping whatever reality is outside of me and taking place.
Various things, such as "what was that conversation about yesterday" "can I remember it word for word?" "what was meant by thus and such" "did I convey what I needed to?" "when I said thus was I heard?" pertain to previous, mostly recent, conversations. Often, hours or days later, I find things that I missed in the conversation..sometimes very important things.

I have very little interest and awareness of the world outside of myself. I have a very narrow lens and rarely notice things, people, situations, words or ideas, that do not pertain directly to me. I have no interest in false gods, celebrities, current tv programming, popular culture, the latest novel, gossip of any kind, predicting the future or where I want to be five years from now, who is dating who, what the most popular song was in 1952, the latest diet or exercise craze, fads of any kind, and hypothetical what ifs.
The majority of my waking life is consumed with how to get through it, my home, my castle, my friends and my family and keeping myself functional. That takes up about 98% of my every day. Seriously, I wish it were only some bad joke but the vast majority of my day is actively engaged in basic functionality.

Words are mutable things of varying caliber, degrees and with a plethora of meaning depending on context, stress, the particular speaker and the spirit in which they are said....very complex. I can easily spend days analyzing a five-minute conversation....easily. For I do want to understand and comprehend..it just doesn't come easy.
Having to spend so much effort figuring out the words, leaves little time for glances and observations regarding facial expressions and body language. I am simply too focused on the words.
And, yes, most people speak at a normal rate of speed that is far too fast for this and other aspies. Either my word processing program is running too slow or I am actively engaged in trying to remember everything that I need to say and searching for pauses in the chat.
I can spend hours planning a five minute conversation for, say, the next day. I have to figure out my points, what is important and put it in a presentable cohesive, easy-to-understand manner.
Lost in thought...yeah, I am frequently there but it has purpose.

So say that I live in this very large room with floaters. I stand in the middle. There must be a door here somewhere for a connection to the outside. Sure, there is one over there on the right. One small doorway that opens to a very narrow, steep, twisty-turny hallway that is about a mile long. (Yeah, I am usually pretty hard to reach.) Every now and then someone ventures down the hall and knocks at my door...Most of the time, I simple do not hear the knock.The depths, focus can prevent that. Sometimes I do and ignore it. I think, most often, people arrive at the door, sense the...depth and treacherousness of the hallway and fear actually knocking. Can't say that I blame them...it is a most unusual stride to the door.

When I venture out...my view of the world outside of myself, outside of my physical home...
To be honest, its a war zone...a chaotic, ever-changing, daunting and somewhat dangerous place full of unpredictability, unspoken expectations, unwritten rules and a constantly changing landscape of mountains and pitfalls.
I constantly seek safe zones and safe people. When that doesn't work, I resort to using pre-approved patterns and manners of walking, behaviors and mental games to get me from point a to point b.
Stepping outside is sensory overload, pure and simple. Its an assault of the senses, a mental maze and all systems up and running, a time of high alert.
The highest variable is people."Who will I run into?" "What will I say?" "What will they ask?" subject matter, mood, will I be able to read them?
Some days I avoid most people..other days I seek them out.It just depends.
Mostly, life is a wicked game of survival..figuring out the bare minimum of what needs doing outside and staying mostly in. Venturing out requires a great deal of pre-planning and effort.
Little things are big things for the aspie. As an example, one of my current dilemmas is something so small,so simple, so not-an-issue for the nt that I hesitate to mention as I am sure it will induce ridicule and absurdity on some level. I can't find a pair of socks to buy that doesn't feel like sandpaper on my feet. I had a dozen pair of the most perfect of socks, all cotton, black, medium weight and they fit and felt just right. Well, I went and wore them all out, getting holes in the heels and had to start pitching them in the garbage. When I was down to one or two pair, I went to the local store where I had purchased them to stock up. Lo and behold, they no longer exist. While they carry the same brand, they have introduced lycra and form-fitting alterations that pinch and do not feel right. I spent that day going to every store in town in the simple and futile attempt to locate a damn pair of socks that i could wear with ease. They no longer exist. My search continues....Yeah, I want so much from life...a damn pair of socks..and no where to be found.
The everyday task of cooking a meal is a complex endeavour. First off, I have to figure out what everyone wants and is willing to eat. Then the grocery list and actual shopping. Being in the kitchen, cooking a meal is a multi-step event that needs careful planning. I frequently talk to myself to help keep me on task and remembering what the next thing is to do. There are also three separate timers that help guide me and keep me from burning and overcooking things. More than once, our smoke alarm has signaled "dinner ready". The average meal probably takes me twice as long to cook and is just another stressful event to try and muddle through.

I like my world inside, mostly due to its low-stress and somewhat predictable nature. I don't have to perform and pretend to be normal. The sometimes overwhelming stress of outside reality will literally throw me into my space so deeply and with great fervor, that its like being locked into a closet. It gets dark and I can't find the door handle to get out even if I wanted to.
The predictability, the patterns I create are so that i can actually have moments, yeah maybe a moment or two where I don't have to actively think. Because the majority of my life, my everyday life, is spent in the thinking process, just trying to get through the day. This is so not a normal, neuro-typical existence....it is so much more work. Some day, I hope to convey that in a depth, meaning and way that doesn't sound so self-pitying and depressing because it is an important point.
You have no idea the sheer amount of work, effort and stress that is required for this aspie to get through an average day. It truly is impossible to fathom. I have great admiration for those aspies who can actually hold down and maintain a job, even a part-time one.
As for parenthood, knowing what I know now,I probably wouldn't have done it. It has not turned out very well. I think my kids suffer needlessly do to my inability to be outside my head and much more aware of who they are and what their needs may be. My focus is so extremely narrow, my introvertedness and hermitage like existence has not allowed me to see their weaknesses and areas needing assistance. My central focus of survival has not helped them in any way, shape or form and having kids was not a really good decision.
But here is where i am....this is what needs doing.

And people ask, I kid you not and this is rather novel...People ask how they can help an aspie. (And I would like to take these requests, mold them into solid form, like a small statuette and set them upon the mantel because they are priceless) So I am going to answer...You keep knocking. And if the door doesn't open, you try again. You don't give up. You make your voice and your physical presence known and available. You listen. You hear. You do not embarrass or make fun of. You do not put the spotlight on. You allow the aspie to be themselves with subtle guidance through the murky waters. You understand or are willing to try and understand that the world is a very scary, overwhelming place and that even simple, mundane tasks require great effort and thought. You realize that your own speech (that which you say when talking to an aspie), is frequently, like trying to decipher a foreign language. You talk slower and listen harder. You are aware that the aspie speaks in a language all their own and try and learn it. You can somewhat grasp the reality that an aspie needs lots of downtime and opportunities to process information. Please don't always expect an immediate answer. You get the idea that emotions and stress can sometimes have a more noticeable, dramatic effect on the aspie. And that Tics Happen, no big deal, just part of being Aspie. Be patient. Be kind. Its really that simple.

Agoraphobia versus Topographic Agnosia

Logically, now that I have acquired this new info regarding Place-Blindness, I would have to disagree with me calling myself agoraphobic per se, as I am not afraid to leave my house, rather, I am afraid that I will not be able to find it if I venture out. For that has been the real fear...will I be able to find my way back home? And that is the way that it has always, always been..as long as I can remember.
My family, partner and kids, have travelled to Oregon, South Dakota, Cape Cod, Outer Banks, North Carolina, North Dakota, Kentucky, Tennessee, New York and Wisconsin. I always knew travelling was disconcerting and challenging, fraught with lots and lots of anxiety, but as long as partner was in the seat beside me or walking next to me, I managed. My foremost strategy has always been to keep her in sight, preferably right next to me. Now I understand why travelling has been a battle for me.

I cannot begin to explain the depth of extreme elation that I experience when I have been either far from home or away for awhile and then I turn into my own driveway.
How have I done this for so long? How have I lived with this condition...anxiety knows my name. I have fraught with this. I have found various coping skills and mechanisms, and mostly, I just do it, over and over and over again. I fight through it. Its just another item in the very large backpack I carry around everywhere with me, under my coat so hopefully no one can see.
This would be so damn funny if it wasn't so fucking true. Part of me Is in disbelief...and looking back..omg, there is a reason I lean towards anxiety..to put it mildly. Shit..I don't think anyone deserves this much baggage, really. And part of me is relieved...because it all makes perfect sense, now...perfect fucking sense.