Sometimes I question whether outside influences are a good thing. Seriously, I rarely interact with the external world and actually sit and talk with peoples. Oft times it raises more questions and issues than I care to address at once.
So someone asked me, the other day, who was my role model growing up. Another quick, kinda sad answer,"no one". Why would I have wanted to "model" after anyone I knew? Not sure I even would've if I could've. Looking back, I have been pretty much disconnected from all around me. I have always been the island onto myself. With neither the inclination or knowhow to make connections with others. Perpetual barriers be me.
I did have bouts where I thought peoples liked me but that was always quite short-lived as i think of this teacher or that, but it turned out i was just another face in the crowd. I'd rather not get my hopes up as it is extremely loud and disconcerting when they come crashing down. As a child, adults were these big, bad, two-faced lying things who forever managed to let me down or fail to meet expectations. As an adult, friendships are these intense, short-lived bursts that always fade due to either my intense, unconventional nature, external factors or my pushing and shoving of peoples away. They are gonna leave anyway.
Well, some ships do survive for awhile, on long opaque tethers. But....no one really wants to hold my hand for long...I get that. My Partner and sons are on my short list of permenant fixtures, when I'm awake and attune enough to interact. But really, so much of this....is all about me because I have not the capability to form healthy attachments, friendships and whathaveyous. Thus I have learned and gotten used to this way.
I, um, did actually form one serious link to the outside world. That would be with my Eldest son.
The person with whom I have the strongest connection. Hmmm, that would explain my devastation and sense of complete and utter loss whilst he be incarcerated hundreds of miles away.
For awhile....I wasn't alone in this world
I can't say I enjoy being so disconnected. I just have no choice in the matter. Another one of those things I could beat myself up over for failing to achieve...till I realize, I don't think it's within my capabilities.
The outside world is lost on me
And I stand and twirl in the bright light spinning my tale, my reality
