My tears and outward displays of emotion are not to seek attention or pity. I have no wish to be obvious or dramatic. It's fair to say that a substantial amount of energy goes into maintaining my emotions so that I appear stoic and robotic. I sequester feelings in the back corner, of the farthest room, with the most complicated locks, in the nether regions of my mind.
Since my appearance lacks affect, most assume that I do not feel. Quite the opposite is true. My emotions are thick, heavy, volital and hyper reactive. For the majority of my early years, I endured round after round of embarrassment and ridicule whenever I became outwardly upset. The only symptom that was allowed "out" was tears, whether I was angry, frustrated, ashamed, or riddled with anxiety, the leaking was all that shown.
I was unable to yell and scream to express anger or out rage, when others hurt me physically or with words. My fear turned deeply inward, as well, lest someone sense or smell it and use it against me. The first time that I ever raised my voice in outrage, was when I was 16 year old. Every feeling was kept within.
I remember sitting with my Gramma, in her living room as she read the paper. She was crying and I asked her why. She said it was because she was reading a story about a lost dog. She stated that maybe she should stop reading the paper because so many articles made her cry.
I'm a lot like her.
I've pretty much given up watching the news, as the sad stories outnumber the happy ones 10 to 1. I have no tolerance for tv or movies where people are screaming or experiencing pain...it hurts me too much. I avoid angry people with a vengeance. When I hear or see parents being unkind to their children in the grocery store, I hurt. I cannot look at animals or people in pain for very long, because I feel it too.
My physical state of health is directly related to my emotional well being. My emotions can be far more intense than most and I make no apologies. I deal with it the bestest that I can.
Just as my pain can be as deep as the ocean, so can my caring and love. I love fiercely, just ask my boys.
Maybe, someday, I'll grow to be more accepting of my emotions. Maybe I'll drag them out of the closet, one at a time if possible (problem is when I feel one emotation, I feel all of them..it's a cluster f***) and air them out in the sun and reclaim the part of myself that has always been unacceptable and forbidden for public fodder. It's like I was born with three legs but had to cut one off lest I offend someone. Deny, deny and hide. I've heard that tune before.
The great "cure" for hypersensitivity is low stimuli and managed stress, otherwise known as being a recluse or a monk. I always thought I'd make a great monk, naturally talented and all...go figure.
I am a very sensitive being...get used to it
