Social Situations are Uncomfortable, I see too much

  I've been well enough to get out more, waiting room, grocstore, errands and church. I am figuring out that one of the reasons the social environment is sooo painful, is that I see too much.
  I see the long-married couples who can barely stand to be next to each other. I mean, are people happy like that? In relationships in which both parties look pained and as if they were two strangers who hated each other and they are forced to live together...to what end? Is this for the kids, the inlaws, work, status or simply because they don't believe in divorce and are big on long-suffering? Am I the only one who sees the eye rolls, the pushing aways, lack of kind words, caring touch or talking as if the other doesn't exist? Sad.
  I see the people who are struggling, bogged down in diseases of body and mind, the addicts that can't sit still, the elders who strain to hear and walk with great distress. It's hard to see others hurt. And I don't think they know...let me rephrase that...They wear their pain for the sensatives (people like me, autistics without filters, those who care and can't make it stop) to see. I try to look away, look down, out the window, as there is only so much hardship I can witness. It's a helpless feeling, to see suffering and not be able to say or do anything.
  I observe those intrinsically lost within themselves. They are pretty easy to spot because I often dwell inside, also. I know the signs...it's like looking in a mirror.
Kinda haunted by one elderly gentleman I was near. His eyes just begged for...I don't know...assistance, salvation, a way out of his pain.
There is a reason, heck, a number of reasons I don't go out. These are just the two major ones that struck me more than once this week.

Lyme Diary entry #104 Chlorella

My latest weapon in my arsenal battling Lyme is Chlorella. I spent some time researching it today and here are my findings:
Chlorella is a super food composed of single-cell freshwater algae. They call it a super food because it is one of two foods that you could live on Exclusively. If enough Chlorella is ingested, there is no need for any other nutrients and you can be healthy.
Chlorella is composed of 60% protein, 16% carbohydrates, 5% fats and 19% fiber. Yes, that's a lot of fiber. The one big issue, if you take too much too often is digestive cleansing in excess of comfort otherwise known as cramps, diarrhea and gas.
Healing with Chlorella is a marathon, not a sprint. You start off slow and gradually work your system up to 5-10 grams a day, divided throughout the day. Real progress is seen in 3-6 months.
Benefits of Chlorella: improved digestion as the algae causes the good intestinal bacteria, Lactobacilli, to multiply 4 fold, 4x. Also helps eliminate bad breath and excess body odor. The main benefit of taking Chlorella is for its heavy-metal detoxifixation, notably mercury along with lead, aluminum, etc. Mercury is found in dental amalgam fillings (of which the average adult has 8, thus the body absorbs approximately up to 120 micrograms of mercury every single day.) and seafood. All fish have some degree of mercury.
I had all my old amalgram, mercury-ridden fillings removed about 5 years ago, one or two at a time, by my certified dentist. The new porcelain fillings are expensive but I figured my health was worth it.
Chlorella is grown only in approved freshwater ponds in Taiwan. In its natural state, it has a sturdy cell wall which would prevent absorption. Thus, only "broken cell wall" Chlorella is absorbed and utilized in the body. If it doesn't say those three words, the product is completely useless.

 In regards to Lyme and the neurotoxin build up from dying off Borrelia parasites, I have to wonder if the big C would, does remove some of those toxins as well. I need to do more research.

 I started taking 500mg once daily to see what effect it had on my system. No issues so I moved up to 1gm/ 1000 MG daily. After a week then it became 2 gm daily. I did notice healthy intestinal. ..cleansing and some stomach cramps the first couple days. Now, I am comfortable at 2 gm a day. In another week or two, I will move up to 2 1/2 and so on, until I hit a maintenance dose of 5-7 grams daily.

 I read that for people with chronic illnesses that15-20 grams is okay, ideal. I am not a doctor but due to my cathartic intestinal cleansing, I would highly advise working up to this max dose slowly, noting if any distressing side effects occurr. The average time frame in which positive effects are readily seen is 3-6 months. You cannot overdose on Chlorella, or so I read, really I am not a doctor and am not prescribing this supplement or what dose you should take. That is completely your decision.

 I take mine in divided doses throughout the day. The one big rule I read was to avoid any and all caffeine, coffee and soda around pill taking time as it is detrimental.

 Chlorella can assist with repairing nerve tissue, increasing energy level, enhances the immune system, big detoxification, promotes healthy ph, normalizes blood sugar, improves digestion, and helps with weight loss. I kid you not, my appetite has gone down tremendously since I started taking 2gm per day. I simply feel full.

 After 1 year, there will be an increase in healing time. The soft pill shaped supplement can be crushed and applied to cuts, scrapes, rash and wounds. I'd really like to try this!

  It is safe for children at low daily doses of 1- 1 1/2 gram. 

 I am quite intrigued by this super food and the positive effects that I feel taking it for a couple weeks.This is a new Daily addition to my cupboard! I really wanted to share.

  

One great thing about owning a Boston Terrier

Ah, one thing I forgot to mention...Bostons don't smell like a dog. I read it somewhere recently and it is true.
Rosebud has very, very little odour de dog.

Hope is

Despair

Stillness is...

Autistics Riding in Cars, Old, New & Stressful

I've never been comfortable with someone else behind the wheel. Maybe it's an issue of trust, or I relish being the driver of my own destiny, or maybe roads are scary, fast, unpredictable venues.
It takes a good deal of courage, a heavy dose of trust and feeling like taking a risk to be a passenger in someone else's car.
There is no control. There are dozens of decisions to be made and a hundred moving objects to watch out for. Driving is, simply put, stressful.
So my friend picked up a new car. I kept eyeing it, checking it out whenever I could. Everything about it was foreign, new, scary. The color, door handles, seats, controls...yikes. My first ride as a passenger was a sensory overload. I couldn't reckon the new seat. Every cell in my body was on alert, deciphering.
The sounds, engine, tires, brakes, alarm indicators all unfamiliar and sources of puzzlement. The way the car moved, the height from the ground, new fangled lights and sensors made me positively dizzy.
  I couldn't locate, find anything familiar to hold onto. No anchor, solace, familiar hum or vibration. All the muscles in my body tensing, teasing, way overdone.
It was a short ride but I kinda lost my mind. It felt like a cross-country airplane jaunt where I continually worked to orientate myself, whisper that I was safe and calm the internal alarms.
Riding in cars...few people probably ever give it a second thought...but, they aren't Aspie.

She didn't dream

People that Don't Wear Socks Freak Me Out or Socks with Sandals

Sandals, scandals, lol...I have issues.
First off, when people wear scandals, unless it's at the beach, it freaks me out. Something just is wrong with this. Call me autistic but sandals just expose so much, too much skin, body, you know, things that should be kept to oneself. Maybe I'm a prude, okay, I've been called that more than a hundred times in my life, but sandals only belong at the veach, not at the office, store or anywhere else. Alarms going off in my head when I witness this infraction.
You can wear whatever you like In the privacy of your own domain, but when you go out in public, try not to upset the sensible autistic.
It feels like it's some sort of sin, broken law or rule of etiquette that spontaneously throws me into a panic.
I always want to say, "Oh oh, you don't have any socks on!!!! Did you know that? Are you poor and can't afford them?" or some such drivel.
On the other turn of the coin, people that wear socks with sandals Freak Me Out. No kidding. Especially when worn to work.
(Okay, I'm starting to see that I have this weirdy idea that professionals, workers need to dress in "appropriate" attire.) The first time I ever saw such nitty-gritty feet  wear was on one of my "mental health vacations", aka, the funny farm, aka the local psych hospital visits-extended stay and a Nurse, yes, another one of those professionals that no longer wears a uniform or proper footwear, was wearing sandals with multi-colored socks. My detail orientated eyes were immediately drawn to this egregious error and I loudly, profusely declared to her my thoughts and that she should seek immediate redemption and correct this sin. Yeah, it being a psych ward she took me as seriously as a...well, a destabilized mental headcase, lol. Then, she proceeded to continue to wear this noxious footgear for days. Maybe she "liked to irritate the inmates, lol." Or she was comfortable, even as her feet screamed, "this is soooo wrong!!!" Oops, maybe that was simply the scream in my head. Too funny.
Anyway, try not to freak out your local autisic...wear a good pair of socks With your shoes!
The detail orientated Aspergian thanks thee.

Lyme Diary entry 103

The reason I started talking about exercise is that since I started "working out", incorporating stretching and strengthening, I have had insane, constant protein cravings.
I used to eat quite a few fruits and vegetables but now, all my body wants is protein. I cook up a pound of hamburger and eat a small bowl, liberally sprinkling Parmesan cheese and calling it a meal, one of 5 small meals everyday.
Gluten free graham crackers with peanut butter, peanut butter toast and slabs of melted cheese on toast, lightly salted almond, along with occasional banana and chocolate donut have been the totality of my diet this past week.
I can only surmise that my muscles require it and I oblige. Protein is the only thing that tastes worthy, tastes delish. Maybe that's a good sign.

Lyme Diary entry 102

I started being concerned about my lack of muscle tone. Muscles start to atrophy after 3 days of inactivity, or so I read. Last week I realized how many weeks and months I have has physical exercise, aka, normal physical movement. So I began doing light, very light, active range of motion exercises for 2-5 minutes at a time.
Going up and down stairs, making sure I used my arms to lift and carry something, stretches, and such.
I know I've been getting up and forcing myself to move 100% but I realized I have to push through even harder, like 110%, to strengthen my body. Tears, yeah, every day so much struggle and effort and it's still not enough. Day after day after day. It really wears on a person.
  Anyway, it's just another change I've been working on.

Lyme Diary entry 101

I've posted often dealing with my Lyme battle, so if thought I'd find an organizational help by using "Lyme Diary."
Latest updates:
My 5th weekly acupuncture session was huge. It felt as if my entire right solar plexus/ upper abdomen released, opened up and now I can breathe in so much easier.
It's only been 2 days so I'm concerned I may fall into a big herx, but I'm trying not to worry and instead, enjoy these new sensations.
I've been taking the Chinese medicine, Five Mushrooms formula for a couple weeks. It's to help repair my immune system, adrenals and such. I definitely feel sunnier, more energetic on the inside.
I'm contemplating bee venom therapy, the old fashioned way, not via expensive dr. approved and injection administered. It's a thought I'm engaging.
  It's tough never knowing what the morning, the next hour will bring. Will I be able to walk, to stand, fix meals? So much uncertainty. When I do feel well, I have to temper my activities in case I go over this intangible, ever changing line of "Yes, I can get this done!" Or "I really should lie down to avoid a bad reaction, over exerting and paying a serious price tomorrow."
It's a truly wicked game of forever contemplating all the possibles. Never having predictable answers.
One minute feeling great and the next crawling on the floor.
Lol, flexibility is key, as is realizing I'm doing the best I can.
I'm so not a loser...it just feels that way sometimes.

 I found this pic, put on some text and thus is Really important! I was bit by a deer tick nymph. Nymphs carry Lyme just like the adults.

Seriously, it is that small. The engorged nymph is what I had found on my abdomen, no bigger than a mustard sees and feeling like a slightly raises scab.

 I insecticide spray my son and myself every time we go outside. If I'm out for a short time, I'll just carefully spray my shoes and pants below the knee. For my son, he always gets a head-to-toe spray and a tick check every night. I also check his clothing for the small, evil things.

 I have found ticks crawling around the house, most often in the bathrooms. I literally bust them apart with my fingernail..wait, not the best idea. I'll get a small jar and fill with rubbing alcohol. That will kill them.

 Ticks survive through heavy winters. They survive high heat dryers.

 It's sad but remember when no one wore sunscreen, no one always wore a condom? Once enough people got sick and died, then the reality of skin cancer and HIV prompted people to use precautions. It's unfortunate but, to be brutally honest, once enough doctors and/ or their loved ones and patients...once enough celebrities, politicians and "famous" people start getting infected (oh, please, I sincerely do Not wish this on anyone!!!) then the outcry will start, then the Lyme Warriors can really rally and inform and enlighten and be believed.

 Quite simply, one bite and your life, as you knew it, completely changed. 

 I pray for my Lyme Warriors, for doctors to become Lyme literate, for people to comprehend the danger and spray and do daily tick checks, for researchers to work at finding cures and maybe even a vaccine.

 I have hope, I guess. Chin up

Forever Thorned

How I Heal....MerQuotes

Perspective..We are here

Blood is Thicker than Water...MerQuotes

Lichen Sclerosis Treatment Update

I joined an online support group. One of the first things I learned was about this new cream, Estrace. It can be applied internally but I only use it on the external feminine areas. Once a day.
I restarted the clobetasol, also, once a day, especially if I feel a flare-up.
So I use Estrace in the morning and a small amount of Clobetasol at night.
I've definitely noticed some improvement, less pain and burning.
I'm also discussing my childhood sexual abuse with a therapist every week. I have a number of issues and negative connotations associated with my girl parts. I know that is helping a lot as well.
Just thought it was time for an update.

How to Heal

Dealing with Lyme & Extreme Fatigue

Ugh, so I was down, having great difficulty moving and staying awake. So, I checked with my Lyme group, made notes and took the following:
  2 activated charcoal tabs
Power juiced with cranberry juice and water
no appreciative improvement, so then:
chlorrela
Claritin
Some relief, then:
glutathione
After about an hour, I'm able to get up and move around. Yeah

Comfort Zone Lost...MerQuotes

Awake at Night, Insomnia, Acceptance

Therapy grows uncomfortable, Living MPD

I wasn't sure what to title this post. The first thing that came to mind was, "Problems in Therapy": then "Issues in Therapy". Then I figured that I'm just getting darn uncomfortable with some changes that have been taking place the past few sessions. I know only others with DID will get it but I want to address this.
My biggest beef is that I feel less control over what is said and done in session. There's this new type of...unpredictability that is causing me concern and I just don't like it. Previously, I could have a vague or not-so-vague notion of what will be discussed. Now, I may have a half-a-glimpse, be completely clueless and totally shocked by what gets revealed situation.
Gosh, part of me is like, man, that was immature or outrageous or a little scary.
And I always come away with, "I had no fucking idea that that happened!" It's disconcerting, depressing, confusing, disjointed.
I thought I had dealt with all the shame...but today, I found more. Nough said.
I have to, have to trust Therapist so much more. And I have to trust the previously unseen parts of me that have never seen daylight, to behave appropriately, whatever that means.
So, yeah, it boils down to me being really uncomfortable and more out-of-control. I'm getting anxiety returning in, go figure.
Very unsettling. I don't like it a single bit.

Drunk on Love... MerQuotes

Lost in the Shuffle

More Anne Frank Quotes from The Diary of a Young Girl, part 2

"When I looked outside right into the depth of Nature and God, then I was happy, really happy."

* I only wanted to sleep to stop myself thinking.
 

- Oh, it is so difficult, always battling with one's heart and reason; in its own time, each will speak, but do I know for certain that I have chosen the right time?

"We shan't get anywhere by following an ostrich policy."

* Let the end come, even if it is hard, then at least we shall know whether we are finally going to win through or go under.

- We all live, but we don't know the why or the whereford.

"We all live with the object of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same."

* People who have a religion should be glad, for not everyone has the gift of believing in heavenly things.

Anne Frank "Diary of a Young Girl" Favorite Quotes

"I hope I shall be able to confide in you completely, as I have never been able to do in anyone before, and I hope that you will be a great support and comfort to me."

- I want to write, but more than that, I want to bring out all kinds of things that lie buried deep in my heart.

(regarding her parents) "I wonder if anyone can succeed in making their children absolutely content."

- Sometimes I believe that God wants to try me, both now and later on;  I must become good through my own efforts, without examples and without good advice.

"From whom but myself shall I get comfort?"

- Oh, so many things bubble up inside me as I lie in bed....

"I feel wicked sleeping in a warm bed, while my dearest friends have been knocked down or have fallen into a gutter somewhere out in the cold night....And all because they are Jews!"

- The children here run about in just a thin blouse and clogs; no coat, no hat, no stockings, and no one helps them. Their tummies are empty; they chew an old carrot to stay the pangs, go from their cold homes out into the cold street and, when they get to school, find themselves in an even colder classroom.

"Leave me in peace, let me sleep one night at least without my pillow being wet with tears, my eyes burning and my head throbbing. Let me get away from it all, preferably away from the world!"

- It is impossible for me to be all sugar one day and spit venom the next.

"For myself, I remain silent and aloof; and I shall not shrink from the truth any longer, because the longer it is put off, the more difficult it will be for them when they do hear it."

The Best Remedy....Anne Frank

Feeling Unseen, Invisible

I fall into these cracks in the sidewalk where it feels as if everyone has turned and walked slowly away into obscurity and I'm left pondering the night sky wondering if the stars will ever know my name again.
My footsteps no longer leave an imprint or a sound. Barefoot or booted, no matter, no diff.
I see the mindless chatter of others drawn in to small, tight, shallow world's where they play penny ante and plot their own fate, to engrossed to notice that I watch and can see.
I haven't faded away. It only feels like it.
No open hands, wide arms, listening ears, engagement of any sort. I'm left alone with my thoughts...at least they like me and we can agree on things.
Nothing strikes me. No flourishing passions, just the senseless drone of the agony, the boredom, of everyday life, except I'm obtuse, unnoticeable, as if they see right through me, around and over me. Weightless without density.
All is still and black; it is night...it is all nigh

Invisibility

Facebook and those who don't post profile pictures

I worry about people who never post actual photos of themselves in their profiles. I can only wager that they feel some sort of insecurity, low-self-esteem, some discomfort within themselves and they are afraid to show themselves.
I have fb friends that I've known online for years but I haven't a clue as to what they look like. It bothers me that I can put no face to a name. Seeing is believing, et all.
Are they hiding? On the run from the law? Relatives? Have they done things that they want to keep hidden, secret and unknown.
Do they choose to languish in obsecurity?  Or feel it best not to be seen for who they are? Do they frown upon their physical appearance, believing others will judge them superficially? Are their jobs top secret? Are they involved with the witness protection program?
I wonder