Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Forgive my deep depression

Today, for almost an hour and a half...I recited the most disturbing series of flashback memories within my system.
They consisted of the very clear, extremely painful frames of the incident in which my dad forced me to help skin alive, torture and butcher my first pet rabbit. It was excruciating like pulling a pin from a grenade and smothering it within my chest.
Startling was the clarity of the images, the ease with which I heard my father's nonchalant voice and the feel of things that were done.
No, I'm not like you. Yes, I've been seriously damaged and horrendously scarred.
At the end of session, my clothes were close to soaked with tears. I heard my therapist cry and choke back tears, swiping handfuls of tissue and responding to my queries with thinly veiled, sobbing answers.
Everything has changed.
The memory that has haunted me since I was a girl of eight, wrapped like a constricting thick chain strung round my chest, no longer consumes me from the inside out.
The air between therapist and me, likewise, has changed. As she is the first and only human to hear of this most violent experience, there is some type of bond, I guess, for lack of better word. She bared witness to a deep, dark, lurking, blood soaked and horrendous incident. No one else has ever done that. The very air and energy in the therapy room changed and we were no longer strangers both doing their job well.
The hours that have passed...the processing...has brought much to bear. Mostly, I'm deeply saddened, my heart filled with grief.
After the incident, in the middle of the night, laying awake, stunned and heartily traumatized, I dressed for school in the morning having to behave as if nothing had happened. Having to look surprised as my brother ran in stating Snowballs cage was open and he was gone. And I walked to school pretending, stoic.
I don't know how I lived..through the event, through the next day, through seeing white rabbits, all with the memory solidly embedded, in its entirety, within my chest. I was 8 yrs old for God's sake.
And I weep for the child me that had to hold Snowball down, that had to use the knives thrust into my hands, that saw and readily felt Snowball's fear and pain. No, I'm not okay and I don't expect to be...for awhile.
There are a handful of egregious events that thoroughly impacted me...this is one.
Poor, innocent Snowball.
Poor, innocent me.

1 comment:

  1. you survived because you had the most amazing and marvelous coping mechanism...the ability to dissociate and create new alters to hold pieces of the daily trauma of your life. and now you have a safe place to bring those traumas to life.

    you are brave, you are strong, and there are people who love you. :-)