Realized it was hopeless that after years, decades really, without a sound, healthy love that it was improbable and not worth the wait, the worry, the wondering and wandering
She chose to be alone because it was the least painful option and one that she could handily realize
When your mother can't bring herself to love you, you know life is going to be pretty depressing and fucked
She wasn't wanted, after she was born, anyway and she felt it in their hands and saw it in their eyes, immediate reject, the parental love bond contract torn apart and set afire before her tiny, tear stained eyes.
Navigation, stability, safety, trust would quickly become rich foreign lands that she would never be allowed to visit.
I see a stray dog and I try and help it. I take her home, feed her, love her, search for her home.
When I'm the stray dog, I'm allowed to sleep near the garage, eat the scraps on the floor and chained to the electric fence, forever.
I'm not like you, her
Smart enough to see how fucked up this is. Dumb enough to throw up my hands and give up, at regular intervals.
I knew life wasn't fair....I just didn't know it harbored so many wounded who enjoyed abusing others. Too many bad guys. Too few caring and kind.
People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.
Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.
Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries
Friday, March 10, 2017
She just gave up, When your mother doesn't love you