Stopped trying
Realized it was hopeless that after years, decades really, without a sound, healthy love that it was improbable and not worth the wait, the worry, the wondering and wandering
She chose to be alone because it was the least painful option and one that she could handily realize
When your mother can't bring herself to love you, you know life is going to be pretty depressing and fucked
She wasn't wanted, after she was born, anyway and she felt it in their hands and saw it in their eyes, immediate reject, the parental love bond contract torn apart and set afire before her tiny, tear stained eyes.
Navigation, stability, safety, trust would quickly become rich foreign lands that she would never be allowed to visit.
I see a stray dog and I try and help it. I take her home, feed her, love her, search for her home.
When I'm the stray dog, I'm allowed to sleep near the garage, eat the scraps on the floor and chained to the electric fence, forever.
I'm not like you, her
Smart enough to see how fucked up this is. Dumb enough to throw up my hands and give up, at regular intervals.
I knew life wasn't fair....I just didn't know it harbored so many wounded who enjoyed abusing others. Too many bad guys. Too few caring and kind.
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