Had grown empty, sorrowful, wanting and hid away. From fertile field to fallow, no man's land. The easiest way to trick, turn and manipulate was the love sickly promise.
Everyone should be born with someone to catch them. To hold, cradle, nurture and adore. When that seemingly natural mission is lacking...well, the world becomes an unwelcoming, shaky and shifting place with no viable sense of stability. It's akin to a chop block where your legs get knocked out from under you as you helpless claw at the floor unable to stand, find footing or a hand to help you up.
I repeated my childhood patterns and chose a partner who was cold, distant, unemotional, unavailable, narcissistic, vile and disgusting, exactly the way the mother was. Funny, the ex even had the nickname Mother but for reasons of shame? embarrassment? Never told me that this was her nickname every single day that she went to work. Even denied it to my face with cold, dead eyes. A true lier as was my other mother.
It's no coincidence that patterns repeat until we learn from them.
I'm tired. This battle rages on with little respite. Having to defend myself from the selfish, disgusting one who misses the reins of control she once had over me. I pity those who fail to see the needless hurt they cause others. It's like running over a cat, over and over and over and not realizing what you are doing. Then one day you wake up...and see the mess, the pain and distress you caused....
I don't know...it just seems so odd, bizarre and inhumane that people consciously hurt and injure others.
I will never understand. ..but I'm learning what evil looks like so I can avoid it's unpleasant effects yet again .
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