There is forever an unseen wall, a barrier if you will, between myself and those I interact closely with. Today the walls were thicker, denser and more perceptible.
I had an appointment with my doctor. Everything went wrong from the new receptionist, to the offices under construction to the never before entered treatment room. I felt terrible and inconsolable. I couldn't sit still. I continually searched for my friend, the shoulder high window if the other offices. I felt enclosed, trapped and highly claustrophobic. I wasn't sure that I could find my way to the safety of outside and my vehicle in the expanded parking lot.
My doctor seemed distant, a football field away even though we stood no more than a foot apart. I was rattled and rushed. My brain speeding around hairpin turns. Doctor seemed curt, rushed and short. I spewed all the things I wanted to say and forgot half of the ones unsaid.
The wall so thick. It's as if I didn't even have an appointment as I felt invisible like chalk melting in the rain and doctor never looked up to see the chalkboard.
I was lost and on my own again, still. Wasted time in a scary, unsettling, foreign room. Disconcerting. Had I known about the construction, long and strange hallways and rooms, I never would have showed up.
Had I been aware that my doctor was that distant and unreachable, I would have better spent my time in bed. But I never know how I will feel or what the conditions will be like when I go to an appointment, a store, a necessary errand place.
Unpredictability is Unsettling.
Flapping and pacing my way through this appointment reminded me of the futility of comfort and the ability to actually make useful contact with someone that has the power to assist me.
I was invisible, a talking head and persona non grata.
It's such an empty, helpless feeling to seek help and be unable to connect. Futility.
Yet another frustrating day in the life.
Hear my sadness
Feel my pain
I am so very alone
Behind thicker walls
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