The everyday minutia of Life is a series of challenges, jumps and hurdles for the average Autistic Aspergian. Case in point, the giving of gifts.
Recently, I happened upon some extra funds to buy gifts for my Aspie son. In describing this procedure I think I can enlighten others into the difficulty of this relatively mundane task.
I wanted my son to pick out gifts online totaling a specific figure, 100$. The first thing I had to do was figure out how to ask him to do just that. If I were to just drop on him, "pick 100$ worth of stuff you'd like", that would be met like a sudden jumpscare, a surprise, an unexpected detour, a mic drop in the middle of a sentence. It would have caused him stress and confusion as this gift giving without specific reason was unanticipated and unwarranted. Kindof like if I showed up to your place of work with a birthday cake and dropped it in your lap, and it wasn't your birthday. You would feel some sort of confusion. Well, any self-respecting Aspie would feel that confusion similarly and at great depth.
I had to explain why I suddenly had the means to buy him this. So, I succinctly told him where the money came from. I don't know how many people question the whys of unexpected giving but for these Aspies, myself and my son, it is a requirement. One of the many positives of being Aspie and having a child with the same is that we do innately understand each other and there are a great many rules, regulations and protocols unspoken that we share and automatically adhere to. Notification of the gift was step number one.
Step Two was letting him know that I had a specific timeframe in mind without him feeling pressured. After not hearing back from him in a few days with my offer, I became concerned that he was either overwhelmed or that he did not understand my directions. I had to figure out a way to word my concern in a nonconcerning, nonstressful way. I ended up writing him something like this: I am worried that my funds may inadvertently disappear or get used in a different way if I don't hear back from you. Something blase, putting the onerous and responsibility on me not him. Not sure I explained that right but I hope you understand. I made sure he was not to blame and that the worry was my own. I was "testing the waters" sending out a line to see if he was doing okay with my request. The manner in which he worded his response would provide me with the state of his being and the request.
He did respond back that day which told me he was still pondering and cognizant that the offer was still on the table and that he was okay with it. He affirmed that he was working on it. Great! He was onboard and figuring out what he would like. Whew.
The next day, he sent his list of items. He also indicated the order of importance which I found very valuable. Good thinking Son. I placed the order and sent him the tracking verification numbers so he could monitor the packages progress. Almost there. One more step.
Acknowledgment. I'm not sure why but some Aspies like myself have difficulty acknowledging receipt [what an oddly spelled word] when a gift is involved. I think it might have something to do with, okay, I received your gift, now does that mean I owe you one? Or do I owe you a response? What type of a response, written, text, card? Do I write and try to explain the surprised look on my face? Or what glee feels like? I want to know the conditions of reciprocation that is required to the individual who sent it because each individual neurotypical may have a different sense of what is required in return.
If I were to lol (laugh out loud, which I rarely ever dare to do) shout what I feel at times upon receiving a gift it would be, "What do you want from me?" Yes. Probably that is my first and strongest sense when I receive a present. What do you want from me, in return for that which you have given to me, is a huge, complex and convoluted question that I actively work to avoid whenever possible as it can stymie me and stop me in my tracks for days as I try and figure it out. Avoiding presents is one unpleasant thing about my being Aspie. A usually joyous event turned to stress and grief.
I was aware that my Son may not send me notice that he had received the packages. The online service did provide me with updates so I did know when the packages reached his address but did he actually get the packages or were they misplaced or stolen off his porch or some such similarly disastrous malady had befallen them? Sigh. After I had the notification that they were delivered, I decided I would wait two days before writing him and asking if he had the packages. That gave him time to let me know on his own without it feeling pressured upon him. Day One passed. Day Two and YA, he sent a text saying he had received all the gifts along with a Thank You. Whew! Mission Accomplished!!
It was quite a well-thought out and somewhat stressful process. I am so pleased I could send him gifts of his choosing. I am relieved that I had enough forethought and AspieSense to get it done with the least amount of stress.
Working or interacting with Aspies is no small task. Every word, phrase, action and reaction, has to be a certain way in order to effectively and nonstressfully communicate and interact effectively.
Gift Giving is a high stress arrangement.
