I think one of the earliest feelings I had was despair, helplessness. I felt that anything I need, or wanted, food, comfort, safety, was beyond my reach.
No one responded to my requests, cries, asking, so I learned it was hopeless to feel, to need and to want.
The hands were forever closed in tight fists, never open nor willing to assist.
Despair is like a grenade has gone off in my chest, blowing a large, gaping wound that I keep trying to cover, bandage and subdue.
I keep my hands and arms, close to my body; my mouth tightly shut and deny my needs labeling them as instigators, rebels, on the losing side of a war.
I was thoroughly taught that my needs were inconsequential, and things to be ignored, swept under the rug, denied, Denied, DEnied.
So what's a child, an adult, to do to rectify this erroneous emotional abuse? How does one change such deeply ingrained thought and behavioral patterns? How can I dislodge, override and dispel those churning wells of despair and feeling not good enough to live, to breath, to need, have wants, deserve love, comfort and support?
My friends...I truly do not know.
Helplessness is having no legs and the only thing on the path is a shaky bridge with crumbling stairs and everything I want is on the otherside.
Helplessness is a chasm and you have no rope. And you are alone...you are always alone, as this is an inner battle, never spoken of before. And I hang my head, afraid of shame, stigma, being ostracized and ridiculed....because few can imagine...living with...a never ending sense of helplessness from that which happened so many years ago.
I sit in quicksand up to my neck...as I always have. I ask not for an open hand, a bamboo ladder or snake like rope...because..if I open my mouth...the quicksand will have a way to get in.
It's difficult, dangerous, self-deprecating to even acknowledge such a fatal flaw. It's as if my words give power to an enemy unseen.. to use against me.
Ah, so I struggle and question and continue to heal from the egregious,wounds of my oppressors. But I Am well. I am Good.
Thanks for listening
