Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Despair, Life is about learning to deal with helplessness

I think one of the earliest feelings I had was despair, helplessness. I felt that anything I need, or wanted, food, comfort, safety, was beyond my reach.
No one responded to my requests, cries, asking, so I learned it was hopeless to feel, to need and to want.
The hands were forever closed in tight fists, never open nor willing to assist.
Despair is like a grenade has gone off in my chest, blowing a large, gaping wound that I keep trying to cover, bandage and subdue.
I keep my hands and arms, close to my body; my mouth tightly shut and deny my needs labeling them as instigators, rebels, on the losing side of a war.
I was thoroughly taught that my needs were inconsequential, and things to be ignored, swept under the rug, denied, Denied, DEnied.
So what's a child, an adult, to do to rectify this erroneous emotional abuse? How does one change such deeply ingrained thought and behavioral patterns? How can I dislodge, override and dispel those churning wells of despair and feeling not good enough to live, to breath, to need, have wants, deserve love, comfort and support?
My friends...I truly do not know.
Helplessness is having no legs and the only thing on the path is a shaky bridge with crumbling stairs and everything I want is on the otherside.
Helplessness is a chasm and you have no rope. And you are alone...you are always alone, as this is an inner battle, never spoken of before. And I hang my head, afraid of shame, stigma, being ostracized and ridiculed....because few can imagine...living with...a never ending sense of helplessness from that which happened so many years ago.
I sit in quicksand up to my neck...as I always have. I ask not for an open hand, a bamboo ladder or snake like rope...because..if I open my mouth...the quicksand will have a way to get in.
It's difficult, dangerous, self-deprecating to even acknowledge such a fatal flaw. It's as if my words give power to an enemy unseen.. to use against me.
Ah, so I struggle and question and continue to heal from the egregious,wounds of my oppressors. But I Am well. I am Good.
Thanks for listening

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  2. Your blog is currently included on our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please personalize your blog’s description by selecting "About the list/How do you want your blog listed?" from the top menu on that site.
    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

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