Being a Good Parent, The Aspergers Parent

One of the things, that I am most proud of, is being a good parent. This skill I learned completely on my own, as I had no positive role models.

Here's what I've learned:

The child always comes first ahead of my needs. If my son needs something, for me to listen or to help, I stop what I am doing. Yes, it's a no-brainier, but with my loops and monorailic trains of thought, this can challenge me.

My son eats healthy meals at regular intervals. It doesn't matter that I eat erratically and the same exact meals everyday. My child needs a variety and is always served a main dish, fruit or vegetable, milk or juice and sometimes dessert.

I compliment good behavior and work at building on his strengths and minimizing his weaknesses.

I lead, teach by my example.

I am generous with love and affection.

I am honest with my child regarding my autism. If there is some activity that I cannot do because of my Aspergers, I explain it to my son, in terms he understands.

I've taught my son that there are times I cannot speak. He has learned my various hand gestures so we can communicate. He is aware that I sometimes cannot talk and drive. My up raised hand is his signal to wait. Hugs and handholding reassure him that even though I cant speak, I am listening and there for him.

I correct and talk about negative behaviors and again, I lead by example.

I forgive indiscretions and have taught my sons to do likewise.

If we are both hungry, I make sure he eats first. If there is one sandwich, he gets three fourths. That's what being a parent means.

I make sure he gets outside, exercises and plays with other kids, as much as possible. It does not matter that I would rather lay on the couch or don't feel well. His needs come first.

I am teaching and learning about consequences of actions.

I stand up for my sons against teachers, school systems, rude and mean people All the Time!!! They know momma will always fight for their rights and their well being.

I say what I mean and I mean what I say, I Love my children:)

The World Within

Time to engage in inside trading, sharing some of the intricate, rarely mentioned small tales of what my inner world is like.

There are many barriers, invisible electrified fences between me and any other...it's just a varying degree of layers and thickness.

Picture someone standing at a closed window unable to break the glass...seeing, silently watching...unable to figure out how the window opens.

The outside world is alien....and sometimes I am an alien onto myself.

Feelings, emotions are these estranged, sticky, foreign thingies...that are either too far away or consuming me.

Because I am unable to easily ascertain how I am feeling, emotionally speaking, I get visual clues of pictures and scenes. If I look at the scene and analyze, I can tell how I am feeling. The post Where the Walls Live, goodness, I love that title plus it is extremely apt.

I see a version of me skipping through a meadow, which indicates that overall, I am feeling pretty good. In the vision I am not trudging nor do I carry any baggage or worries. The sky is clear, blue with a spattering of bright white, distant clouds. Then that damn wall appears, out of nowhere, unexpectedly, telling me what I already knew, I have reached a block, a place I cannot go or get through with any sense of ease.

I could stand there, stuck and stymied, for days if I so desired...the wall isn't moving, so I do.

I've learned that I can muddle through paths awash in heavy rains, over small boulder strewn roads, out of pits, wells and crevices deep...one of my specialties is going over, around and through barricades...many, many barricades have there been, but I've not mastered the walls. They be too thick and fortified. There are some, albeit few, places I cannot travel. Mostly, I respect that. Sometimes I grab hammer and chisel...often I just have to wait for the wall to melt on its own accord. Timing can be everything.

Sometimes I don't know where I'm going...but the direction feels right. I started a brand new art project...and I'm not sure what it will be when I'm done.

She was a tornado, churning and twisting upon herself....safe alone in the fields, dangerous to those caught too near...knowing not her own strength or impact. Few dared draw near...fewer still, could withstand the wind....

It is very weird, at times...to suddenly find my self autistic. Hmmmm, very weird indeed.

Where the Walls Live

I am always autistic, but the symptoms outwardly show only 5-10% of the time. My life is like running in an open meadow and suddenly being stopped cold, by a ten foot tall wall, in all directions.

Those times, wall encounters, when I remember I have Aspergers and need help or am unable to function "normally", are frustrating. As I stand affixed to the ground, transfixed on some far way vanishing point, I remember that I am different.

I've been doing a helluva lot of passing for normal these days. Sometimes I have to work at it, other times it's a natural flow for me. As my fears and phobias have shrunk from large, looming monsters into small, muffled barking dogs, Life has become less tense....at times I may even call it "easier" and more manageable.

Then this wall appeared, out of nowhere. Hmmm, struck mute, yet again. Seems I've come across a situation that....that is emotionally painful to the point of all-stop. I am at a loss to describe it. I have no words for it. When I attempt to think about it, my mind goes blank and carries me away...like to that cherry blossom tree, over there.

I cannot address or fix, what I cannot think about or say. This Is Autistic Behavior. I'm not trying to be rude or bad, difficult or cryptic. It is a sticky place, a stuck point.

I cannot even begin to fathom how to move beyond this wall. So, like the good Aspie that I am, I turn around and find another road to travel.

It's just me. I'm okay

Unspeakable Dreams

Who would have thought I sometimes hang with liers and thieves. Lately, I dream of aggressive venomous snakes and shiny black guns. My dreams, once again, flow rich with symbolism. So much I am not at liberty to say. Uncomfortable be the princess in the tower...for Rapunzel, Rapunzel has no hair...she had to shave it off when the tic bit and her body fell into an unpleasant, heavy stupor, but at least, she still remembers her name,

Dreams are fluffy, white bunches of clouds pulled from the sky, then molded and shaped to whim. Yup, my hands be full of cloudy bits and pieces.

Today was a Mighty suck...three strikes, three sins, three mistakes and I retreat to the dugout built in the side of that hill where the sun doth shine unless I ask it to.

Ahhh, feeling helpless and small...trampled and stepped on. Damn you oh accursed elephants! If only I could find the key, that I freely gave away. If only I could muster...a charge up that hill...but I have no idea what is on the other side...but whispy dreams and fairy tale wishes.

Realigning my strength, trying not to think...too hard about that present.

I really feel my physical hiatus should be done now...really. Three weeks and counting..searching for even half of normal. Sigh..very, very frustrated. Someone start this carnival back up so I can mess with the carnies. And enjoy elephant ears and weasel-on-a-stick. The princess demands it...oh, if wishes were horses...ride, ride, ride

Nough said

Not much...how about you

I'm still deeply ensconced in this swinging pendulum of Lyme induced freakish sleep patterns. It always carries an insomniatic twist and is unlike anything that I have ever experienced before. The most probable nighttime pattern, is to sleep for an hour or two. However, this week has proven to take sleep disturbances to a whole new level. I can be awake for two entire days and nights without feeling tired at all. Then what follows is almost two days of solid sleep, or wanting to anyway.

Thank heavens my arthritic knee pain has abated. It is still around just to a very minor degree. The fatigue seems to be omnipresent. I have little energy the majority of time. I'm just happy when I have the ability to keep little guy and myself bathed, fed and somewhat entertained.

I've spent considerable resting time listening to chakra singing bowls by 12soundsolutions on YouTube. Omg, my chakras are opening and healing in pronounced and dramatic ways. Thus, my time really hasn't been wasted.

I've pondered and learned A Lot about where I am in this life, how I got here and where to go next. I love it when the mindfog clears and I can clearly see the chess board before and who has played what. Developing a strategy for healthier living:)

I'm listening to my body and doing what I can to heal. Currently that means big time rest. I am happy to report that I do feel progress and I feel less sick inside, if that makes sense. I be ambling up that road to recovery slowly but surely:)

Be Well

Eye Contact and Body Language

I'm really more in belief of the theory that Aspies don't make eye contact because we see too much. Being a visual species, eye contact contains a plethora of often overwhelming information. I can see when people carry deep pain, or when they are bored, angry or disappointed. I can see when they are happy to see me or wish they were somewhere else.

It's a gamble, eye contact. I want to see all the positives, but the negatives can be too saddening.

I have seen a number of things. Someone wore "dead eyes", telling me that I was unworthy, disappointing, of no worth or value to them.

I see sparkles of happiness or " I'm glad to see you" in the most unlikely places, often times those clerks at the store that I enjoy chatting with.

I can see where peoples are satisfied with their life and the direction it is going.

Troubled eyes bother me, when I don't know if it's at all about me or some other facet of ones life.

So many people have such pain. Hmmm, I wonder if that is one reason that I couldn't look in the mirror for lo these many years.

I think I avoid eye contact when I don't want to see too much into someone else's life, or it hurts too much. Often I don't want to share, give away so much of what is going on inside of me, either.

Body Language, BL

Again, being a visual species once learned, BL can be mastered by the Aspie. I remember reading quite a few books on the subject in high school. It is quite interesting and fairly easy to learn, once you acquire the basics. Of course, sometimes when I am passionately engaged in speaking, I completely forget to look for clues and I have been known to misread them. Overall, I find it, BL a useful indicator of a persons mood and feeling. I highly recommend reading books or Internet articles regarding body language.

Eldest wrote and said that he is enjoying the television show "The Mentalist" because there is a lot of information regarding body language and postures.

Body Language signs and meanings can be learned and are a useful tool for autistics.

I'm Sorry...regarding apologies

There are some people, who are polite, who easily apologize. There are others who apologizes way too much, to their own detriment. Usually it's those who have low self-esteem and feel unworthy.

I would have previously, fallen into the latter category.

The people to be most weary of are those who never or very rarely, apologize. They are the control freaks who crave power and are never wrong.

Just something I've noticed

Lyme Disease and Insomnia

I slept 1 hour last night, Seriously. I haven't even been tired today. Bedtime approaches and I am nothing near feeling sleepy. Methinks I shall phone my doctor in the morn. This symptom feels so very bizarre.

I did lookup on the inet and this is a rather common complaint with having Lyme D.

I'm too weary to be anything near productive. I rest as much as I can to help me body rid this ill.

I've been thinking quite a bit...all those hours awake and all. I have faith that the wind is blowing with me, not against me. I know that I am more capable than I have been. I am a series of ready-to-be-tapped resources.....good thing as opportunity is knocking.

Take Care Friends....sleep tight. Lololololol

Gluten-free Crackers

I had my first cracker in over a year and a half, yesterday. Or, dare I say, my first cracker that actually tastes like a cracker.

Schar GF free Cheese Bites are crackers that taste Great. I had tried a number of other crusty, crackly, cardboard-like thingys that called themselves crackers, but they weren't edible by any stretch of the imagination.

I am so happy! I cracked open a can of my favorite chicken and rice soup and through a handful of Cheese Bites on top.....Heaven!

I'm just sayin

Generic vs Non-Generic, Not The Same, Medication

I started my antibiotics last week. My pharmacy didn't have enough doxycycline, so they gave me enough for a few days. When I returned to get the remaining pills, they were generic. The first batch was a brilliant blue color. These last ones are pale beige. Supposedly the beige is the generic equivalent. Not true.

When I ingested the blue, my hypersensitive system registered a reaction. About twenty minutes after taking blue, there was this little inner heat wave along with some subtle nausea. My intestional system also registered the standard antibiotic reaction and became....freer.

I take beige...and I get absolutely nothing. My body has zero reaction. In the three days since starting beige, my Lyme symptoms have all returned. Blue actually stopped, temporarily cured my arthritic knees, painful joints, headaches and swollen lymph nodes.mi could be up, semi-functional and moving about.

Since taking beige...the generic....I've gone completely downhill. I'm back where I started. I feel cheated and frustrated.

Once again, what someone says is perfectly sound and alright, in this case the FDA, is Absolutely Not.

Once again, my body speaks truth and I listen.

My Lyme Disease will not be cured taking the beige sugar pills. I'm not sure about my rights but I will march to my pharmacy with a smile on my face, a gentle voice and a determined nature. I will, once Again, be in charge of my own healing. I will see if I can get the beige changed to blue.

You know, it really makes me wonder...how many perfectly legal but completely inept generic meds are out there being ingested by the unsuspected public. How many people are failing to heal because their medication is inferior? Superbugs makes sense.

Damn, this seems so epidemically Wrong and downright criminal, but it is all perfectly legal.

Be wary, listen to your body.

The One Friend Theory...loneliness

Aspies highly value their friendships. To find someone with whom they can completely be themselves, to allow the walls, barriers and barricades to drop, is such a blessing, a relief.

The years, the nights spent in the thick fog of loneliness, praying and pleading for someone of worth to come along and hold out their hand.....an Aspie only needs one true friend for that entire realm of loneliness to go away.

A prayer answered is highly cherished. Aspie doesn't need a dozen, a handful or even a few. Every Aspie craves one person in this alien world to be able to communicate with. It seems like such a small, small request...but it's near impossible to accomplish.

It's hard to see and hear others doing this, going there, engaging in that....when one was not born with the mechanism or know how to inquire, to speak, to exchange pleasantries, share a joke, go out to eat.

I used to kinda talk down about my son who had just the one friend...hmmm, now I get it. Now I understand why one friend can mean so much.

Because that was all he needed to feel good about himself and his place in the world.

One friend cures loneliness. That simple.

Friendship is such an enormous gift. I wish I knew the secret formula

Must be feeling rather isolated, locked in.

I mean, some, probably most have family members available,that care or that they can count on. I don't...haven't for years...but I do remember what it was like.

Hmm, I used to have a half dozen people's I could drop in on, call or see a movie with. Damn, just guess I felt like suffering tonight. Damn, that was probably the best thing about my immediate and extended family. Someone cared, someone wanted to talk with...sometimes even asking for advice or my Opinion. Wow...why did I give that up again? At this moment that seems like heaven.Damn. Something just isn't working for me. Frolicking in the depths of despair. Remembering...wondering...

I know I'm not the only one

I just wish I could make me and every one who feels like this better..because god its awful.

Nothing like pouring my heart out at 5am

I wonder if anyone knows I'm here

Find Me

I used to play a game...I'd go outside, to park or woods and wait for someone to find me...or notice I was missing. Those summer days, as a child, completely off and alone...and no one ever came looking.

I used to play a game, when I was a teenager. I'd walk off to the playground or woods, sit and wait to see if anyone noticed I was gone. Those summer nights long, dark, peaceful, lonely. No one ever looked.

I used to play a game, when I was married. I'd drive off to the store, for hours. Returning I was not really missed.

I used to play a game, when I was an adult...because I learned it as a child. No one calls or comes looking. Nothing has changed.

True story

Too much time awake

Methinks too much with mind awake and body tired.

Strange, dark and gloomy feelings in the midst. It took me a few moments to realize that it is my old and cherished friend, loneliness.

Loneliness: the want of another; wanting someone who likes you to be near, to converse with, to share with...hoping it will be awhile before they get really irritating and you have to send them off.

Damn, hadn't communed with loneliness...for awhile.

Just realized that I have had one outside conversation that week. It also dawned on me that no one has called. No hounds of love or like looking for me....again.

Guess summer is a busy time...peoples want to spend it with family.

So if you don't have family, you are kinda screwed. If you don't rake high up on that ladder of priority And tell me...how many friends can rate anywhere...even close..to beloved family?

Is it so much to be wanted?

I don't think I was ever wanted

Came into this world, arms outstretched....no one on that receiving end. There was no one there. Guess I have a little predisposition to loneliness, feeling lost and unwanted. Sigh

Not sure how to fix that one

What kind of rug or lumber can you buy to cover up That hole.

How do you make peoples care about you?

How do you get thems to want to be around you?

Seems a lifelong problem I haven't figured out yet

I have never felt wanted...unless someone wanted to use me

Few value my company

Very, very, very few

Lyme and Whine, Festivals and Frenzy

I'm rolling with the unexpected bouts of insomnia or sudden tiredness. I'm not entirely convinced my now generic antibiotic is working as well as the non-generic pills I started off taking. The arthritis in my news has flared with a vengeance. My energy level has fallen as well. If this keeps up overthe weekend I'll check in with my doc and see what she says.

My little town of 7,000 has doubled in size with the summer residents and tourists. All of my familiar haunts and stores, even the streets are filled with uncertainty. It's like all the normal, predictable patterns from traffic flow, to where to park at the grocstore, the sights and outfits people wear, even the very sounds of different voices, pitch and accent have all my Aspie senses ..well...upset and confused. I don't like it one bit.

I'm hesitant to go out anywhere. The craze of chaotic traffic patterns from those unfamiliar with our town layout, is so obvious to me. Nothing moves as it used to. It's like I'm standing, driving in a foreign city where all the rules, sights and sounds have suddenly changed. Somewhat discerning and distressing, no doubt.

I wasn't make it into the actual grocstore. My usual parking spot was unavailable, lost amongst a sea of RVs and trailers with boats. I saw no familiar patterns or manner of dress in those crowds walking to and fro the store. I found absolutely nothing familiar or safe...so I left. Same story at the only other grocstore....so I went home, empty-handed...didn't need that hamburger anyway.

I don't feel like doing anything, so I won't.

Enjoy your weekend:)

Living alone

Circumstances are such that I have the house completely to myself, going on three days now.

I really like it. I have no expectations and no one to answer to. I'm not working to appease or please anyone but me. I sleep, eat, dress and do whatever I fancy. I've found out a lot about me. I like who I am.

There is no hurry, no stress or worry. I don't believe I have ever, ever been in this place before.

I've been rudimenting...happily on some recent experiences. I have been making peace and understanding the part of me that was three years old and disconnected from the outside world. I comprendo. Normal likes noise. Most people seem to relish or have become accustomed to incessant, irritating noise, televisions and such. Ninety percent of my alonetime has been in absolute silence, save the sound of my own breath and quiet murmurings to myself. I like quiet.

My appetite and sleep "schedule" are still very skewed due to the Lyme D. Seems I wait until dawn to even attempt anything resembling sleep. Methinks Lyme + nightly childhood incest are equally responsible for the heavy insomnia.

I eat when hungry and sleep whenever, as long as its after dawn.

I realized that I am attractive, fun, niceable, desirable and a very good, caring person.

I found someone who cares and loves me For No Reason...not to use, abuse, manipulate or tower over. It's earth shattering, heaven quaking and extremely cool.

I can feel love....another newbie as the mechanism for lovelove was previously seriously broken, busted, clogged and not at all working. I spend a lot of time in this awareness.

Angels walk the earth, in human form. I should know, I've met at least two.

Trust is a two-handled glass. Trust is the basis of any good, healthy relationship. I almost lost someone I cared very much about. It wasn't that her handle on the glass was slipping, rather, due to questionable circumstances, I was getting ready to release the handle on my end. I did not want this relationship to end and addressed the issue much satisfactorily. I feel good about that.

I'm not afraid of ticks or going outdoors. I refuse to allow fear to run my life anymore. I have a new regiment that includes tick checks, insect repellant and better hygienic practices.

I know not what tomorrow brings, but I ain't gonna worry about it.

I'm adopting healthier mental attitudes as well.

Since my medication disallows exposure to sunshine, I took Lady Abigail, my SUV, to the shaded cemetery and walked a bit till it became too hot. It's been around 90 the past couple of days.

What I notice most these past few days....calmness and absence of rush. I feel pretty darn pleasant, overall:)

Just wanted to share. Thanks for reading:)

I understand Fatigue

Since I've come down with Lyme Disease, LD, I have finally realized what "fatigue" really means.

Without benefit of a looksee in Webster's, I'd like to try and define fatigue.

It's a physical heaviness, weariness, trepidation. It's a body-bone-muscle, purely physical tiredness where my body craves inertia and rest. Every movement has to be precalculated...is it worth the aftermath? The intensity of fatigue after the deed/ exertion is done? How hungry am I? Can it wait? What is quickest to grab and snarf down?

Most important is rest, strictly timed medication and fluids.

Hmmm, I went out in the yard and played, laid in the grass...listening to the birds, feeling the sun through the leaves, carefully examining blades of grass and blooms of colors. I desperately needed to be off the couch, outta bed and into natures soul and solace. I can only dirge four walks and television duo for so long before it makes me numb and crazy.

The insomnia is odd, as well...completely not of normal symptomology. My mind is always casually awake. I can drift off for small intervals of usually an hour or less. My normal dose of meds hastens not sleep. I don't fight the insomnia...just accepting it for what it is....a minor symptom of the LD that will abate soon.

Ahhh, I've started watching weird late night television, when holding a book is too much work. I've started watching "Breaking Bad"...quite strange, "Wilfred" even stranger, perplexing, a constant questionng of what reality Really is. That's about it. Mostly I lay and drift, resting my body on its way ack to health.

IDK...just felt like writing, sharing...Be Well