There were many outward signs of this mythical "love" that she supposedly had, never once, not even for an instant, was the actual emotional feeling of love felt by me. My mother lived in a warped delusion. I didn't buy it. I felt nothing at her words or showy gestures. Mom taught me that words and gestures are completely meaningless and only for show.
My father, well, that's another story, as he showed me great love and affection, all of it only sexual. That was the extent with which he "loved" me. His "love" never felt right either. It is with great ease and honest truth, that I say I grew up completely unloved.
Feeling unloved is like feeling unwanted, valueless, a trinket mounted to the wall. I was something to look at, not someone to hold.
Parents are supposed to love us, ground us, anchor us to reality, trust and love. Instead, I turned into a makeshift flounder, uncertain of my own boundaries and having no self-worth. Never sure if I belonged here or what exactly the purpose of life was. I grew up profoundly depressed and a native of unhappiness.
I never thought I would ever find self-worth, or someone to love me. Two miraculous incidents took place in a few years time that completely changed the world and my place in it. First, I decided to have a baby. Ahhh, so this is what giving love feels like. Second, I met my Partner (of 18 years now) and oh, this is what it feels like to have someone love and care for me.
I'm not sure why the Universe smiled on me so, but I am grateful.
I've learned that my parents failure to love me, was no fault of my own. They were both severely abused and disturbed individuals. It was beyond their capabilities to love their eldest daughter. I did nothing to deserve it. Children believe they are responsible for everything, for their parents mood and abuse, among other things. I was no different. I thought something was inherently wrong with me....for decades. Therapy and introspective and the grace of God have shown me that I am worthy and lovable. I believe that now.
Stop blaming yourself. Every child deserves and is worthy of love. Many adults are too damaged to actually be capable of pure, genuine love.
I understand the pain of not having a parent love you. It hurts. I'm sorry so many have this similar issue.
You are worthy and lovable:) Amy