Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Saturday, January 4, 2014

My Parents Never Loved Me

It's a no-brainer to anyone who has read about my childhood. As I sat hugging and kissing my son, it suddenly struck me that I cannot remember a single instance where my mother was warm or affectionate. Oh, she vehemently, loudly would proclaim how much she loved me, in addition to hugs and occasional kisses goodnight, but I never felt anything but hollow, cold, emptiness.
 There were many outward signs of this mythical "love" that she supposedly had, never once, not even for an instant, was the actual emotional feeling of love felt by me. My mother lived in a warped delusion. I didn't buy it. I felt nothing at her words or showy gestures. Mom taught me that words and gestures are completely meaningless and only for show.
 My father, well, that's another story, as he showed me great love and affection, all of it only sexual. That was the extent with which he "loved" me. His "love" never felt right either. It is with great ease and honest truth, that I say I grew up completely unloved.
 Feeling unloved is like feeling unwanted, valueless, a trinket mounted to the wall. I was something to look at, not someone to hold.
 Parents are supposed to love us, ground us, anchor us to reality, trust and love. Instead, I turned into a makeshift flounder, uncertain of my own boundaries and having no self-worth. Never sure if I belonged here or what exactly the purpose of life was. I grew up profoundly depressed and a native of unhappiness.
 I never thought I would ever find self-worth, or someone to love me. Two miraculous incidents took place in a few years time that completely changed the world and my place in it. First, I decided to have a baby. Ahhh, so this is what giving love feels like. Second, I met my Partner (of 18 years now) and oh, this is what it feels like to have someone love and care for me.
 I'm not sure why the Universe smiled on me so, but I am grateful.
  I've learned that my parents failure to love me, was no fault of my own. They were both severely abused and disturbed individuals. It was beyond their capabilities to love their eldest daughter. I did nothing to deserve it. Children believe they are responsible for everything, for their parents mood and abuse, among other things. I was no different. I thought something was inherently wrong with me....for decades. Therapy and introspective and the grace of God have shown me that I am worthy and lovable. I believe that now.


Stop blaming yourself. Every child deserves and is worthy of love. Many adults are too damaged to actually be capable of pure, genuine love.
  I understand the pain of not having a parent love you. It hurts. I'm sorry so many have this similar issue.
  You are worthy and lovable:) Amy



2 comments:

  1. I'm so glad that the Universe finally smiled on you, Amy! :)

    The only thing that my parents ever taught me was how NOT to be a parent.

    I learned that lesson well.

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  2. Thank you, John! I didn't have my first child until I had years of therapy under my belt.
    My parenting style is the same:) It continues to amaze me how easy it is to love, nurture and care about my kids. It's so natural:) i never would have thought I had it in me, but I've always had a heart:)

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