Today was "Therapy Monday". I swear, half the time I have no idea what we will end up talking about. I was positively clueless as to the revelations that manifested today.
The past few days I had been in a horribly depressed, morbid mood....and I really had no idea why. My eyes kept leaking. I was restless, over tired and had to force myself just to get up and function. I knew I had a recent flashback about being 13 and raped by my dad, but I couldn't realize this flashbacks wide ranging implications and effects on me.
When a multiple (person with MPD/ DID) splits (the main persona splinters off forming a new personality/ part) something overwhelmingly traumatic has to be happening, physically, emotionally or both. Whilst my dad had been molesting and raping me since at least 3, when I became older, in my early teens, he became a violent rapist. When I was 13, such a mentally catastrophic event occurred. Fair warning....graphic, disturbing content.
I remember my dad coming down to my basement room. He took my right arm, twisted it behind my back and kinda threw, forced me, face first, up against the freshly painted cement wall. He pinned me there, brutally. Then he quickly, viciously raped me. I don't know which pain was worse, the od, heavy twist that felt like my shoulder would break or the furious, brutal force of his dick.
I was in shock. He hadn't been vicious or brutal before. This whole gabbing me, arm behind back, pinning me with his forearm snugly, suffocatingly against the cold, moist basement wall...the lack of preparation before he raped me...was all too much for me to handle. It must have only lasted 5-10 minutes but it was damaging.
After he left, I sat on the bed, not so much numb, hell no, not numb, just dumbfounded and shocked. I actually felt incredible pain as if every cell in my body was screaming, crying. I felt such intense pain as if trapped in a swirling vortex of fiery, hot. I heard my father, upstairs, joking and talking with family members. I remember feeling very different...like my world had just ended. I don't know how long I sat there, dumbfounded, unable to process what had just taken place. My legs were weak and shaky. Every step required great, concerted effort as I walked gingerly up the stairs.
I walked through the kitchen toward the living room. To say there was a crowd in the living room, is no exaggeration, as there must have been nine-ten people in there. Both parents and assorted siblings sitting about. I walked through the entrance and just stood there, observing. My dad looked at me, laughed and made some derogatory "funny" remark. My mom, siblings looked at me...or rather right through me. One of my sisters caught my eye...she knew something had happened.
I had many realizations in this moment, this experience. The tide had turned with my dads sexual molestations. He now would employ surprise and violence. He could get away with raping me, in broad daylight, in my own room, with the entire family right above on the next floor. He showed no remorse but rather chuckling bravado for his new thrill. He mocked me, humiliated me, in front of the whole family and it was acceptable. No one came to my aide. No one asked me what was wrong. No, I became invisible, a nobody, degragated, a thing, and dad could get away with it.
I became morbidly depressed. Who wouldn't, in my situation? I realized that what happened that day, in my family home, was identical to how I would be treated outside the home. No one would care. No one would offer to help. I truly became nothing, just a rapists victim. I quit life, that day. There was no hope of me ever escaping, I had no where to go. No one to tell. No one to shield me.
I was trapped in the family home, oft my own room, with my sadistic, rapist father. He could, and did, attack me, night or day, now...with no warning and without regards to whoever was home.
My life was over and I wanted to die.
That was my life at thirteen.
That's when I started smoking, drinking whenever I could, and cutting. Go figure.
These emotions, the depression and pain, had remained dormant all these years...until today.
I'm still processing.