Upset

I'm just so upset over so much. When I say very sick, it means I can't function without help. I hate it. If my partner hadn't been off work yesterday....there wouldn't have been anyone to call to take me to the dr, the pharmacy and the hospital for X-rays. It's hard to think about.
 Feeling so ill, is feeling helpless. I spend a lot of time researching, doing massage and energy work, changing diets and supplements and for what? It never seems like I'm healthy, much less feeling any bit better. Rarely are my physical problems easily diagnosed, treated and cured. I continue to wrestle with the pain and discomfort, and worry of lichen sclerosus. No known cure. I'm not sure if my Lyme has improved or is just kept in check with the antibiotics. Not sure if my detox regiment is helping at all. Unknown variables. All I know is I'm fucking sick of being sick and not being able to fix this shit and fucking tired of being subpar and unable to do all the shit I want. Yes, it feels like I am being punished. And I'm damn tired of it.
 I keep beating myself up for not being healthier, not eating better food, or getting enough sleep and exercise. I Am Pissed That I Cannot Easily Tell When My Body Is Unwell. Here's my autsm again. I didn't realize that the Double Over pain I was having warranted a dr visit. HELLO? I'm a fuckin idiot.
 If I'm not a ten on the pain scale, I must be ok, or faking it, or it's a body memory.
Just fuck this shit. Fuck this shit. I'm tired of this.
 It's like I'm working my hardest and getting Absolutely Nowhere fast.
And I'm doing a real good job of irritating everyone around me because I feel like shit.....and can't get myself better. I am just so fucking pissed off.
 My emotions, oh shit, are a force to be reckoned with. If I even think, for a moment, about therapy this week, my eyes form droplets, pools, rivers and streams. And I cant control it. Seriously, how many hours can one cry That hard? Shouldn't I be dehydrated by now?
 It sure feels like every fucking aspect of my life is out-of-my-control. And I can't slow down the triggers. Not even going there....today.
 My dreams, oh, that seems to be my only relief as my sleep has been heavy and mostly dreamless.
Then I think..when Was the last time I actually sat and talked with a friend? Or had one to talk to? I get too bottled up when I go this long without conversation, open, honest, conversation. Everything has been this appointment or that one..this meeting or be here at this time. Running around. Completely ensnared in obligatory schedules. Yes, I feel trapped, locked it, no way out.
Can't help myself and can barely help those I'm responsible for.
Vicious is life. Unpleasant, an understatement. Beleaguered. Weary. Extremely frustrated. Way pissed off.