Do you think that everyone is born with an identical golden coin that is the physical embodiment of "the will to live"? I wonder. Is everyone given the same sized coin? Is it a conscious or subconscious desire to want to live from day to day? I wonder if external factors are a consideration or if it's just a token we each have.
I say this because I seriously wonder, if I ever had a conscious desire to see the next day. I lived precariously, struggling within each moment, never having a handhold or a vision of hope or of anything better. I strongly question how I survived to this point. It almost seems a cruel, sick joke. I don't recall ever feeling a desire to live. A desire to die, well, yeah, that was always present. I felt it inwardly since I can remember and it manifested, strongly, when I was nine. It's been a conscious and subconscious force within, ever since.
I just wonder.
What if I found this mythical, hypothetical gold coin of desire to live? My, wouldn't that have a strange, heavy feel in pocket or hand.
Somehow, for better or worse...I got to this point. It continues to stymie me. Life has ever even a gift, just a painful struggle.