Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Why I smoke...

1) because when I was 13 years old, everything else in my life was completely out of my control.
2) smoking gave me a reason to hide, find a space all my own
3) since I had no control over my life, maybe I could have control over my death
4) I could fit in with the misfit, school skippers
5) it was a wall that insulated me from what I was feeling
6) my only friend, that was always there for me
7) something to run to, that never rejected me
8) something to hold onto when I was scared
9) my friend that never would leave me, that I wouldn't have to explain anything to
10) smoke always listened and didn't judge
11) I wasn't alone anymore
12) when people hurt me, smoke comforted
13) I wanted to die but was too squimish to do it blatantly
14) I felt worthless, ostracized, smoking pushed me out of acceptability, made it okay to be socially stigmatized.
15) smoking pushed people away without words
16) felt like the only thing I really ever controlled in my life
17) just wished it had killed me sooner, quicker
18) it hid the hopelessness..god, I felt so completely hopeless
19) I was hoping it would eventually hurt me, just like people
20) I didn't care the damage it did
21) I figured I deserved a slow and painful death
22) I liked the way it hurt me
23) felt so lost and alone without it, stranded, adrift
24) emotionally tied to things, not people, my emotional connection
25) don't know who I am without it, without something to hold, look forward to, it's like the world stops
26) I don't ever regret was my lifeline, my only true friend
27) it hid the sadness, pain, hopelessness
28) kept me in a fog and more removed from reality
29) I've never been fond of reality...always trying to find a way out
30) it hid the rejection, knocking on doors, when no one would answer
31) if I smell bad, people stay away.
32) when I get nervous or uncomfortable, it's something to run to, always open arms
33) when I was beaten, it soothed
34) don't know what I'd do without my only friend
35) don't know what I'd feel, if I took away the smokescreen
36) I've ostracized and pushed everyone away already, what then, how can, I live with just myself
37) blocks the hurt, I like that
38) helps me not feel so much. When I quit, I feel so much.
39) what then? With no one, no thing to run to for comfort?
40) don't want to be so alone, again...I reallyreally don't...guess I'd rather die a slow, painful death
I'm not worth it
41) how can I walk through this world so scared, scarred and alone?
42) I'm grateful I got me through many tough, dark times
43) don't hate it...don't hate me for doing it
44) it's hard to quit when there is nothing else to hold on to....when the friendship has been so beneficial, comforting, a survival help
45) I always get morbidly depressed when I quit....Now I can easily see why...I don't want to leave the only friend who has been with me through all the terrible experiences. The only one who knows, we share the past...always been together....something to unfailingly count on.
How can I let that go? There can never be any replacement. Without it, I would be totally, completely, utterly alone.

Ask me again, why I smoke....why it's so hard to quit...I dare you

1 comment:

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