I have moments wherein I'm confused and overwhelmed and I Bolt, run very fast, without thinking, banging doors, knocking over things, as I run to the nearest exit.
I don't know if this could be classified along with an Autistic Meltdown but it has similar characteristics.
For one thing...I cannot control it. Damn, it brings a tear of realization to mine eye as this is one aspect of my Autism that I need to be acutely aware. I lose my sense of time, place and space as I plow through anything in my path. I have dented walls, almost run over other people and have definitely knocked over stuff more than once.
Bolt is a blind, physically running away type of rage and confusion.
It hurts my head. I ended up bolting at therapy this week and I've been trying to analyze it. I need to know the triggers and how I handled myself because this is one of those times I become a danger to myself and others.
I remember feeling overwhelmed emotionally. I felt trapped, sad, mad, let down, disappointed, hopeless, like I'd lost. All these emotions leaked out of the corners of my eyes, and emotionally soaked words came out in sputters. I couldn't say what I wanted. I really wanted to keep repeating the same thing over and over but I felt stupid; I sounded stupid to myself.
It's like the boat overturned in deep water and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't right it.
I knew everything that I had hoped to accomplish in that therapy session had scattered in the wind and was completely lost. My agenda, my words escaped me and all I could do was cry and want to leave. When overwhelmed I just want to get somewhere safe; I need to get home, fast.
I just grew more agitated the longer I tried to make sense of things. My head swam and I was completely lost within my self.
Finally, I bolted. It felt like a cannonball being shot. Almost more of a reflex, definitely a reflexive action as I did Not plan it. Nor could I stop it once the Bolt mechanism "fired" in my head.
It felt like I needed to run for my life. It felt like an innate survival reflex. Looking back, there wasn't anyway I could stop it, but I did try to slow myself down. I was barely aware enough to try and slow my footsteps. Funny, I do remember paying attention as I opened the doors in my path. Something in me remembered all the things broken and busted from my slamming doors.
Wow, that's the first I've ever been able to write about such an emotionally charged event. It's really quite an intense experience. That would explain why I've been down and out on the couch these past two days. With meltdowns its exhausting and I'm in recovery time, sleeping for insanely long hours and having no energy.
I don't know if other Autistics Bolt or if it is considered a meltdown. Anything that is out of my control, emotionally charged and violent or potentially violent, I call meltdown.
Once I've Bolted from a place, I sometimes have a difficult time returning to that place. I'm not sure if it's because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, or if being in that same place triggers all the overwhelming feelings that precipitated the meltdown. The thought that arises as I write, maybe I avoid going back to places I've bolted from because of the survival instinct; because if I ran away like that, it means I was in danger. Yes, the theme of imminent danger keeps coming up.
Bolting, Meltdown, Survival and Danger are the four words that seem to sum it up.
I don't know if this could be classified along with an Autistic Meltdown but it has similar characteristics.
For one thing...I cannot control it. Damn, it brings a tear of realization to mine eye as this is one aspect of my Autism that I need to be acutely aware. I lose my sense of time, place and space as I plow through anything in my path. I have dented walls, almost run over other people and have definitely knocked over stuff more than once.
Bolt is a blind, physically running away type of rage and confusion.
It hurts my head. I ended up bolting at therapy this week and I've been trying to analyze it. I need to know the triggers and how I handled myself because this is one of those times I become a danger to myself and others.
I remember feeling overwhelmed emotionally. I felt trapped, sad, mad, let down, disappointed, hopeless, like I'd lost. All these emotions leaked out of the corners of my eyes, and emotionally soaked words came out in sputters. I couldn't say what I wanted. I really wanted to keep repeating the same thing over and over but I felt stupid; I sounded stupid to myself.
It's like the boat overturned in deep water and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't right it.
I knew everything that I had hoped to accomplish in that therapy session had scattered in the wind and was completely lost. My agenda, my words escaped me and all I could do was cry and want to leave. When overwhelmed I just want to get somewhere safe; I need to get home, fast.
I just grew more agitated the longer I tried to make sense of things. My head swam and I was completely lost within my self.
Finally, I bolted. It felt like a cannonball being shot. Almost more of a reflex, definitely a reflexive action as I did Not plan it. Nor could I stop it once the Bolt mechanism "fired" in my head.
It felt like I needed to run for my life. It felt like an innate survival reflex. Looking back, there wasn't anyway I could stop it, but I did try to slow myself down. I was barely aware enough to try and slow my footsteps. Funny, I do remember paying attention as I opened the doors in my path. Something in me remembered all the things broken and busted from my slamming doors.
Wow, that's the first I've ever been able to write about such an emotionally charged event. It's really quite an intense experience. That would explain why I've been down and out on the couch these past two days. With meltdowns its exhausting and I'm in recovery time, sleeping for insanely long hours and having no energy.
I don't know if other Autistics Bolt or if it is considered a meltdown. Anything that is out of my control, emotionally charged and violent or potentially violent, I call meltdown.
Once I've Bolted from a place, I sometimes have a difficult time returning to that place. I'm not sure if it's because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, or if being in that same place triggers all the overwhelming feelings that precipitated the meltdown. The thought that arises as I write, maybe I avoid going back to places I've bolted from because of the survival instinct; because if I ran away like that, it means I was in danger. Yes, the theme of imminent danger keeps coming up.
Bolting, Meltdown, Survival and Danger are the four words that seem to sum it up.
No comments:
Post a Comment