Being Multiple with MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder, I only am aware of a small piece of my personal history, as my extensive trauma memories are walled away from me within my alter personalities.
I only know a fraction of my life.
Being Autistic, I am unable to comprehend and interact with others outside of myself. It's like there is an invisible wall which keeps me separated from everyone outside of myself.
In addition, being Autistic is like having no reflection in the mirror. I can't see myself or how I am the same, or different than others.
Add to this the fact that my traumatic life experiences which engulfed my first 26 years, are prevented from being shared because society cannot tolerate or stomach the true life events rampant with incest, child prostitution, torture and hideous sexual abuses. There is a wall of taboo that encircles me.
Then there is the fact that other victims, you know, the one in 5 women and 1 in 6 men, that would be potentially triggered by my stating my truth. Thus they avoid me.
Plus there are the perpetrators and coconspirators who are made uncomfortable with the mention of acts that they themselves committed in similar fashion.
I am a pariah. I am avoided, blackballed and hamstrung.
If I were to write an actual post about one of my incidents, it would be disturbing, unsettling and unpleasant due to it's very sick nature.
I cannot write my full life story as no one has the stomach or emotional stability to be able to read about the things that happened to me.
My life story is too much for anyone. It is too much for me, hence I have alter personalities whose job it is is to keep those memories out of my consciousness so that I am quasi functional.
I have wall within. There are walls with out. And there are societal walls.
My life story is about sick, depraved acts that I was forced to keep secret to protect my family and to allow me to live.
Here's the thing...even with all these walls, barriers and social taboos, I refuse to be Silent. My story, as distressing and hideous and vile as it is, will be written, read and heard.
Part of this ongoing project involves finding the words to convey the unspeakable. To that end I have started working on a glossary of terminology to help me understand myself and to inform, enlighten the public.
I've started a facebook page called Living With Multiple Personality Disorder and I have condensed definitions as well as other insights on that page.
I'm working all the time to survive, become aware, maneuver within all these walls and get my story out.
My life has revolved around pure survival and maintaining sanity after having been dealt a huge ration of the unimaginable, the most depraved of criminal, in human acts. I will write and speak about these disturbing events.
It's no wonder I feel invalidated...my story is hard to hear...but I'm real...my story is real...what happened to me happened and Is happening to others...and I Will Be Silent No More.
I only know a fraction of my life.
Being Autistic, I am unable to comprehend and interact with others outside of myself. It's like there is an invisible wall which keeps me separated from everyone outside of myself.
In addition, being Autistic is like having no reflection in the mirror. I can't see myself or how I am the same, or different than others.
Add to this the fact that my traumatic life experiences which engulfed my first 26 years, are prevented from being shared because society cannot tolerate or stomach the true life events rampant with incest, child prostitution, torture and hideous sexual abuses. There is a wall of taboo that encircles me.
Then there is the fact that other victims, you know, the one in 5 women and 1 in 6 men, that would be potentially triggered by my stating my truth. Thus they avoid me.
Plus there are the perpetrators and coconspirators who are made uncomfortable with the mention of acts that they themselves committed in similar fashion.
I am a pariah. I am avoided, blackballed and hamstrung.
If I were to write an actual post about one of my incidents, it would be disturbing, unsettling and unpleasant due to it's very sick nature.
I cannot write my full life story as no one has the stomach or emotional stability to be able to read about the things that happened to me.
My life story is too much for anyone. It is too much for me, hence I have alter personalities whose job it is is to keep those memories out of my consciousness so that I am quasi functional.
I have wall within. There are walls with out. And there are societal walls.
My life story is about sick, depraved acts that I was forced to keep secret to protect my family and to allow me to live.
Here's the thing...even with all these walls, barriers and social taboos, I refuse to be Silent. My story, as distressing and hideous and vile as it is, will be written, read and heard.
Part of this ongoing project involves finding the words to convey the unspeakable. To that end I have started working on a glossary of terminology to help me understand myself and to inform, enlighten the public.
I've started a facebook page called Living With Multiple Personality Disorder and I have condensed definitions as well as other insights on that page.
I'm working all the time to survive, become aware, maneuver within all these walls and get my story out.
My life has revolved around pure survival and maintaining sanity after having been dealt a huge ration of the unimaginable, the most depraved of criminal, in human acts. I will write and speak about these disturbing events.
It's no wonder I feel invalidated...my story is hard to hear...but I'm real...my story is real...what happened to me happened and Is happening to others...and I Will Be Silent No More.
