That I am and forever have been and perpetually will be alone as the words that connect, convey and communicate are ever lost in the disarray of autism.
I realize that the majority of my speech sounds like gibberish to neurotypical ears. I Get that I will only ever make sense inside my own head and that I will be constantly stymied trying to find the words to express what I need...what I have always needed...
At times...autism is a prison...it's always a barrier just sometimes more negative than positive. I'll always be separate and only understanding onto myself.
Outside of myself is a murky quagmire where words are mutable pawns and laughter traps are everywhere, often next to humiliation pitfalls.
In a way, I can never get what I want...I know that..so the best thing is to try not to want.
Somehow, someway, I was put together to be my one and only trusted friend and confidant...the only one who can fathom me...is me. The effort to connect...like swinging an electrical cord around because there is no plug, no outlet to fit into.
Ten years of a really bad experience has left me a little embittered and disillusioned. I can only recall feeling like a nothing, day after day after day, as if I deserved it and it was all I knew. Struggling to release the chains of unworthiness.
Too much goes unsaid...too many secrets built upon too many lies.
I admire those who have even one they can trust on the outside.
Rabid vermin in thick, scaly human skin that prey on the weakened warriors and stomp them each and everyday like a stepping stool they need to feel extra good about themselves. Fucking heathens. Be cautious in who you trust. Unfortunately there always seems to be those willing to take serious advantage of the innocent and naive.
It's safer to be alone, and saner too.
Much safer to be single and alone.
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