Except for my first marriage, a wonderful friendship and a brief romance I have always been insignificant, a nothing, no one to be cared about or taking into consideration. It's been my legacy. It started as was strictly enforced throughout my childhood, improved when I started working and was off and on until 20 years ago when I became ensnared with a lying narcissist. It started going downhill from there to the point where I became invisible and a burden.
Once someone has their hooks in you, completely controls you, you lose whatever little self-respect and esteem you may have had left.
I'm not sure how to get back self-worth when I was so vigorously, vehemently and thoroughly taught that I did not matter in the least.
Where do you go to buy that elusive shit? What book tells me how to make something I've only known as a myth? Or seen overly and cruelly in others?
I've been seeing myself these days..in how I interact with others...it's like I'm lowly, less than, something akin to a worm, spineless, vacillating between invisibility and obscure substance. I don't like what I see or how I feel inside. I'm angry and bitter at those subhumans who treated me so poorly and got away with it. I'm mad that I was cheap ego fodder and never given the dignity and respect I rightly deserve. I remember the growing bitterness and anger that growled within, as I lay night after night upon the living room couch while the master slept in her queen size, high quality bed and she never once thought I, sick and barely able to move, was entitled to a bed like hers or a room like hers or to be asked if I needed something to eat or a little help. I guarantee she slept well and soundly without once thinking of her "partner" miserable, uncomfortable and in pain in the living room.
Oh, but it's so wrong to sat bad things about someone...bullshit. if she didn't want me to say the truth, to speak about the injustices and grievances then maybe she should have given a shot about the human suffering on the couch! I have so much...anger, disappointment, jealousy, embarassment, shame, loss of dignity in being treated night after night, year after year as a fucking nobody without Any rights, privilege, voice, choice or options.
The day my disability was approved I smelled the freedom and I knew I'd leave as soon as possible...I couldn't wait to stop being a piece of shit and become human again.
Strong words, strong memories and emotions that I was stuck keeping inside.
It was like being beaten without a stick, every single day.
It felt like being kicked under a rug, shoved in a closet or walked over like an invisible doormat. It was like having a noose around my neck and she was holding onto the end...and I never knew when it would tighten.
If you don't want to hear about cruel relationships, you better switch to another blog because I'll be posting my pain and all the thoughts and feelings I had to keep bottled up so my landlord wouldn't throw me out.
Thanks for reading, though. Thanks for listening. I blog to be heard as I rarely speak in the world.