It was discerning to discover that my dad prostituted me to old men at the neighbor's house when I was 7 years old. I had buried those memories very deeply. It'd be easy to tell myself that it simply wasn't true, if I didn't relive the memory, feel it and see it clearly as day. Flashbacks can be validating and always inform.
Unsettled feelings about finding this out. My dad trained me to do certain things, like a cocker spaniel, at 7 yrs old, and I was rewarded for my work with cake and coins.
Yeah, it really hasn't sunk in yet. I mean, I did remember the one instance with the guy at the aluminum and paper recycle place when I was 10. That was gross and grimy but this new stuff was earlier. I don't know how often it happened. Based on current data, it seemed like a commonplace occurance. I was well-trained and never even questioned what I was doing. My dad was truly a master manipulator and he started grooming me while quite young.
Honestly, it was normal, and icky for my dad to molest me. Just a normal every day event. If you experience something practically everyday, you tend to perceive it as normal, especially as a child.
Yeah, I'm still processing this latest piece of shit flashback/ memory.
How did I ever live through this much shit? I'm starting to see the scope of the abuses. The frequency and different type of infractions. The sheer volume is overwhelming. I get it. I survived. I split.
Trying to put the pieces back together, sorting out the intense emotions and depressing feelings, the physical symptoms and painful body memories.
I'm fucking amazing.
Pour me another drink, Maurice. It's going to be another long night.
Unsettled feelings about finding this out. My dad trained me to do certain things, like a cocker spaniel, at 7 yrs old, and I was rewarded for my work with cake and coins.
Yeah, it really hasn't sunk in yet. I mean, I did remember the one instance with the guy at the aluminum and paper recycle place when I was 10. That was gross and grimy but this new stuff was earlier. I don't know how often it happened. Based on current data, it seemed like a commonplace occurance. I was well-trained and never even questioned what I was doing. My dad was truly a master manipulator and he started grooming me while quite young.
Honestly, it was normal, and icky for my dad to molest me. Just a normal every day event. If you experience something practically everyday, you tend to perceive it as normal, especially as a child.
Yeah, I'm still processing this latest piece of shit flashback/ memory.
How did I ever live through this much shit? I'm starting to see the scope of the abuses. The frequency and different type of infractions. The sheer volume is overwhelming. I get it. I survived. I split.
Trying to put the pieces back together, sorting out the intense emotions and depressing feelings, the physical symptoms and painful body memories.
I'm fucking amazing.
Pour me another drink, Maurice. It's going to be another long night.
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