Tuesday, December 13, 2016

What does it feel like to Switch with DID, MPD

A "switch" is when personalities change. Right now, "I" am out, some refer to it as "the front" or front or face. Lol, I often refer to it as "point" from the military's "being on point", the very front of the line.
So, I'm out. If another personality, say "B" wants to come out and front, then I kinda start fading and everything around me gently, or suddenly blurs and I'm gone...gone "inside", within my mind. I may or may not have knowledge of B or what she is saying. If I could hear her and be aware of her, I would be "coconscious". Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not.
When B is done talking and it's my turn to come back out to the front, it's often more dramatic, like someone shaking my shoulder and waking me up from a deep slerp. I'm almost always groggy and a bit disoriented, maybe dizzy. It's like I have to fit back into my body and feel like I'm in my body again.
It's pretty damn distressing at first and takes some time to get comfortable with the whole switching process. I mean, to switch I basically give up all control, to my body, my words and actions.
At this point in my therapy and for the past few years, actually, I only completely switch within that 55 minute therapy session or when I'm by myself at night. It's not a daily occurrence that interfere with this bland reality, lol.
Switching feels different based on whether I'm going, fading or when I'm waking up, going out front.

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