Having lived the DID\ MPD life for over half a century and completing 20+ years of intense psychotherapy, I can look back and see when it was the most difficult...when I was first diagnosed.
Learning of the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder in my time, sent me into a chaotic tailspin. "What could have happened to me that I was so traumatized that I fractured and fragmented? How many parts of me are there and what memories do they hold? Are parts of me dangerous, mean, vindictive or hurtful? Who am I?
First off, remember this...you have been DID most of your life. DID is a normal, extreme response to life-threatening trauma. You lived through it because of your system, all your DID parts. You Were Made for Survival!
Yes, the diagnosis is distressing and upsets the apple cart/ your entire way of thinking but it is your normal.
I remember being overly preoccupied with the number...how many people (I've always called my parts people as most have names and ages) are in my system (the entirety of me)? I figured if I had, oh, 5 or 10 then it would be easier than having 50 or 100. Wrong. The number doesn't matter one iota.
I'm guessing I had about 40? People at one point. Some had nothing buy a single horrific memory or was present at 2 traumas. Others held the memories and feelings of dozens of rapes or beatings because that was their job and they knew how to deal with that specific, weekly abuse. It was only in the past year that my therapist and I discovered two entire layers of deeply buried memory people that I didn't know existed. Just because their memories were more painful, they were kept hidden much farther away from the surface. I knew enough not to panic at these newbies. I wasn't regressing. I was healing and in healing things come to light.
Flashbacks are awfully distressing at first. Remember that you lived through them once and You Can Live Through Them Again. Understanding that a flashback generally occurs when you are able to start dealing with it, helps a tiny bit. It Does Get Easier. Flashbacks are your brains way of healing. Find tips to help you get through it. Write then down, call a therapist or crisis line, learning how to "put flashbacks on hold" until your next therapy appointment and stay as calm as you can.
When I lived alone, I could keep a notebook out so that any of my people could write when they wanted, whatever they wanted. It was an outer bulletin board, in a sense. Internally, within the structure my people lived in, I installed a large bulletin board directly before the hallway leading to outside reality. Upon this I put photos of therapist, loved ones, pets and anyone could put in a request to see therapist next visit and it would try to be honored. When there were to many things that needed discussion at therapy, I'd work to prioritize so that the most disruptive issues would get attention first.
You have internal helpers and protectors. I used to see my people with these jobs most often in dreams. I remember a couple of elderly people, babysitters and even knights and soldiers. Each system is unique but you probably have people like this.
I don't want to overwhelm you anymore than necessary. I wanted to point out some of the more valuable and hopefully helpful things that I have learned and wish I knew back then.
It's going to be okay.
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