Observations from the Puddle called August 17, 2023
It's Wet
The journey continues. The outside unbreathable, smoke and smog filled air assisted in keeping me indoors the past two moons, however, I needed to force venture Out to get some food. I've noticed, over the years, that if I don't grab my anxiety by the collar and drag it out in the open and shake the Hell out of it, "air it", acknowledge it, what have you, then it grows like a decaying roadkill carcass until it explodes and becomes completely unmanageable and hella messy. Thus, I clutched my anxiety, put it on a strong leash and hauled it and myself, kicking and screaming to not one but two public stores.
If it looks like Rainman
and it doesn't talk like Rainman
Is she really Rainman?
Kindof, yeah. I walk funny these days, all stiff and non-swinging arms and upright and like ready to run or fight. My watery tears, crying situation, wherein I start crying sogging, opulent tears, continue to happen without warning and multiple times within each day. Today, I noticed whenever anyone was near me in the aisle or speaking to me, like the cashiers and clerks as are required, then I would be fighting to hold back them tears. Not fun, but whatev.
I heaved myself out because I fear this current shaky, fragile, nervous state I currently wear may very well be my near-normal and I must get used to it instead of "waiting for it to abate". It's been a couple of weeks and it hasn't abated yet. The eggshellic condition has improved a bit in that the tears seem slightly less in volume and occurrence. In a weirdy sense, I have a bit more control over the uncontrollable watery falls.
I've realized that I need to write out, figure out the "baseline" for our food needs. Like, what do I absolutely have to have, bare minimum, to sustain myself each day, week, and month.
My volumous public post for help was met by assistance from five kind souls. Therefore, the paying of of the debt card will continue for the forseable future and my disability check needs to be further stretched to success.
I have short term and long term additional finance ideas. Whether they work or not largely depends on how much ass I can kick out of this lingering, heavy, couch-worthy, depression and malaise. It's a lot of work to be me.
And, yeah, I get it, if I dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow, two people would notice. I get it that I am alone with my own resources and no one to assist. I get it, there are no friends nearby or to talk to and ask questions or advice from. I am well aware of my little cage I call home. And it is the exact place that I have found myself in through most of my life. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that this is where I am supposed to be.
This Is Where I Am Supposed To Be
because I keep ending up here. Because my current aloneness seems to be the most consistent, stable thing in my life. The pattern repeats For A Reason.
Do I like it? F*ck no.
Do I recognize it after time and time and time and time...ad nauseum?
Yep
So, the Observations from the Puddle, I lovingly (blech) call home is that It Is Indeed Wet but it is Indeed My Home.
peace out bitches
No comments:
Post a Comment