The Sound Indoors

 Today ended the 72 siege of being forced to stay indoors due to the obnoxious, toxic outdoor smokesmog air. I like breathing and that wasn't going so well if I ventured outside for even a few minutes.

The sounds of indoors with air conditioner, shuttered windows had a sharp hum, a drone and blow. It felt or rather sounded isolated, muffled, muted, and confining. The blowing air conditioner coupled with the solidly locked windows was a barrier like a heavy wall of insulation against the outer world. 

I missed the noises of outside: the leaves rustling telling me there was wind; cars driving by indicating what time of day it was; the train rattling day and night giving me pause and a reason to stop and listen; the birds, the sad absence of any bird calls was obvious and forlorn.

Casually, I wondered how many days it would be before anyone noticed my car hadn't moved or my shades no loner opened and closed each day. 

As soon as the temperature dips below 70, I will actually be able to open the long shut windows. I'm sure it will feel foreign, if ever so briedly.

And trust, hmm, I have to go back to not trust the air to be pleasant and breathable. I have to check places online and take testing sniffs and whiffs when I step out. I'm leery. I forgot, you can't always trust the air quality. Damn, this seems to be a reoccurring theme playing in different avenues of my life. Trust, safe, choice all are taking turns center stage and needing my attention. That's what therapy is for, too. See the pattern. Talk about it. Move on. This train of thought station is a bugger to get out of. 

I like being sequestered when it is my idea not external, uncontrollable forces outside of myself.

I was kinda content, just short of happy, that I had a reason to stay in.

Outside is risky and unpredictable and some days I wear my armor better and stronger than others.

Choice. It is nice being able to decide whether I go out or stay in.

Oregon fire season, I don't think I'll ever like it or get used to it.

So much taking place in my internal world.