And the Aspergian, upon stumbling out of the muted dankness, finds her treasured lockbox of words, open and spewing and spilling forth, tumbling like unpolished gems of all colors, shapes, sizes and sounds..
Does she makes sense?
Probably not
I'm not interested in politics as much as I am keen on not starving. To that end, I entered a plea, a slightly demoralizing plea for assistance on the platform of the public social media.
I wanted to be able to eat. I wished to be able to pay my rent.
But, alas, the valiant effort, one of the few noble overt gestures this being has ever uttered aloud, was met with muted silence amongst the 50 or so odd "friends and family".
Sigh.
I had not gotten my hopes up yet, I was disappointed. I thought that if I needed help to sustain myself, that, maybe there was a being or beings who might want to help me.
Sad but life.
Being alone is grand if your greatest desire is to be able to walk around naked and sputter insanity aloud but, those are not my desires.
I could tell the air outside was bad the moment I peered out the glass. Yellowish, fog tinted, and hanging heavy in the atmosphere told me to check the latest forecast before venturing out. The leaves droop, listlessly blowing in slight breeze. You can practically hear their angst and dismay as they slowly suffocate, but just a little, not enough to cause choking death and the morbid spiral from limb to ground.
Sure enough, unbeknownst to me, forecasters and half of the applications on the comphone device, the air quality has fallen to above danger levels but below deep, easy breathing markers. It appears a combination of nearby Oregon fires, as this Is fire season (a valid, noteworthy and dangerous season of the year within the state), mingled with high temperatures, a stagnant, stubborn wind, and the handfuls of smog have produced a less than ideal mix and tint to the surrounding air.
It is advised to stay indoors and limit outdoor activity.
I procured a delicious lunch. The blessing of food stamps allowed me my final incursion to the grocstore for vittles yesterday. I selected the finest of broccoli, as it has been days or weeks since my last green veg crunch, along with celery and canned salmon for salmon cakes to be made, in addition to a pound of hamburger for four scrumptious patties that had not been formed, cooked and et in this kitchen in a month, and two bananas and two apples, for I have always felt deliciously rich and wealthy when I can devour Both an apple and a banana within the same day. Ahhh, indeed, I Am Rich for two days and starvation is yet again kept at bay with whip, chair and an ounce of hope.
Now, now, I sit and write as the once locked verbiage flows and runs fast and deep. It's almost as if all the thoughts I was unable to spew forth verbally the past seven or so days, simply were displaced within a back room for me to find once the key was obtained to open the lock.
I was deeply awash in the depths of emotional wells. The Dark Night of the Soul seemed to be the preferred wording for the putrid pain inflicted, felt, relived and cast off and out.
When one relies completely within and withon oneself for all that one needs, requires, hopes and can live with, one must be exemplary, and oh so extremely capable. This Autistic....this extremely alone, living on a small disability income from the blessed state, without resources or any being to turn to...this Autistic struggles. Sometimes the struggles are so heavy, I am weighted down unable to get up off the floor or venture out the door or out from under the potential heft of daily functions that prohibit my rising from bed, couch or ground.
Asking for help has proven to be an exercise in futility and, to be honest, highly depressing. Tis be much easier to imagine help is available if needed than to test the theory and find out it is false, nonexistent. And that is where I am at.
I have fallen and I have to figure out a way to pick myself up knowing it is just and only and singularly Me.
The aloneness, remote. The depth, beyond measure.
Yeah, when you discover the truth about the help...devastating.
Truth be told. Now you know. Move on and deal.
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