I've figured that I will be living on my own shortly. The days will be filled with my son and school, puppy and walking...and then what?
Sure paying bills, buying groceries and cooking meals will be a part of everyday but what else? What do people do everyday? Go to work, take care of the kids, cook, clean...is that it? It seems rather, seriously mundane and a collection of trivialities.
I guess I don't understand what I'm doing here if it's so blah.
Eat, drink, sleep, exciting stuff.
I know that I'll be learning to live within my means. The disability check and food stamps will be my forever income so I'll get acclimated to that. My needs are few. My wants are few.
I don't want or need anyone to support me. It'd be like selling myself and my integrity all over again. What I can do is to find the right agencies to help me for life's little unexpecteds. I'm not sure I'll even qualify for casemanagment in this town, but maybe a different city. Insurance doesn't want to pay for much so I'm looking at cities with improved social service agencies and groups. Ideally, I'll live without extra assistance but it's important to know everything that is available.
Waiting feels like a slow death. I'm waiting to hear back from this, that and the other place.
I'm not worried, per se, I'm just impatient in my longing to live in my own place. Like a hidden dream that I dared never speak of has been spoken and all that hope and wish now floats at the surface, longing, longing, impatiently.
There are do many people I'd like to get away from and the painful memories inflicted. I don't want to be trapped anymore. Watch out, the lion is out of its cage and she be walking pulling me on her leash.
Life seems...funny, stupid, just one confusing embarrassing incident after another, you know? I think if I moved I'd get a chance to live in a place where I'm not known for this foolish antic, that emotional outburst or as the one who said that ridiculous thing or sent out that stupid email. Every time I reach out, communicate outwards, it's more likely to haunt me or slap me in the face than help.
I collect the negative memories real good. Getting rid of them, not so good.
There comes a point whereby everytime I look at someone my failures or errors just sting me and slap me down. I see epic fails all around and there is no free space, no place to look that doesn't hold one of my epicfails.
Guess I need to buy a better attitude or spend more time with my eyes closed.
Is life really nothing more than a collection of chores, food and watching tv?
No comprendo
