I watched the movie, "The Walk". It made me cry in that the onscreen terror mirrored what I feel inside each day.
Some people perform extraordinary feats wide open, out in public, whereas others, like myself, do marvelous feats every day that no one sees. Look at me here. How did I get through a day, a week, a month and the years of living with my parents?
There are no words to affix to such challenging, oh so not the right word, tumultuous circumstances that needed to be overcome regularly.
My feats of grandeur have never had an audience but I sure as hell feel like a victor.
To some childhood is this far off, foggy series of memories. I'm more in touch with my childhood, as it can recreate, replay bits and pieces in the blink of an eye. I don't know that I'll ever feel a degree of being removed or distant from childhood.
I watched all the meticulous planning for the "coupe", the main event and it reminded me of the forethought that goes into certain days or out of the house events. I found it exhausting to watch onscreen. No wonder I can tire easily.
I've discovered that I like being able to sleep. My new medication has given me this gift called "awakening refreshed." It is an odd feeling fer sure. I haven't quite gotten used to how it feels, as it is so foreign. The meds seem to calm my perennially agile mind. I feel more in my body at night, like I can sense where my skin touches the sheets or how my feet feel against the covers. Grounded, being grounded is way different. Kinda bizarre. I guess I didn't realize how far away, dissociative I have been.
The days seem longer, slower and have more hours to them. Time drags and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. My son keeps asking if I'm okay. He says I'm quiet and I'm guessing I don't look happy. Things weigh heavy on my mind.
It feels like I'm between things, in no-mans land.
I've noticed, just recently, how every event seems to be a precursor to the next. Things that appear bad or unfavorable turn out to be nothing more than the natural order of things. It's like I'm progressing down a prescribed path and my awareness of this path is growing.
Events don't always make sense when they happen but if I wait a bit, I'll see the whole picture.
I'm not sure where I'm moving to. There are forms that logically I should be filling out...but something inside just knows that this or that application doesn't need attention as it is not part of the path. There's this crazy innate wisdom that has a voice, or at least a strong presence, that leads me in specific direction. Maybe it's my own inner voice of reason, higher consciousness, spirit or soul. Can't say that I know what to call it. Awareness, paying attention to this subtle inner feel seems to be the True. I'm getting better at listening to myself these days. Bout damn time.
