Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Friday, May 13, 2016

Things I Do Not Know...The Language of Aspergers Part l

In an ongoing effort to define myself, I thought I'd try writing out the things I can't do with any ease. Being autistic, it's tough for me to figure out what are odd or unusual characteristics. I'm hoping in writing that I gain some clarity whilst sharing Aspergian knowledge. I'm not putting myself down, mind you, I'm simply seeking clarity through external extrapolation. Although I feel quite neutral at this time, I will insert an "I do Know...." statement after each "I don't Know" lest I start sliding down the abyss that I seem to be forever perched alongside.
Yeah, my use of verbage and wording just isn't normal, is it?
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1) I don't know how to make friends and I never have. I am perplexed and oft jealous at the ease with which two people can become entwined in this twisted thing called friendship. Although I have experienced periodic, months long bouts of having a friend, the complex to and fro of words, phone calls, facial expressions and body language that goes into keeping two friends together, is completely lost on me.
I've studied books, formed mental algorithms, thoroughly tried to dissect each brief friendship I've partaken in but, I continue to be hopelessly confused and left out. At over half a century old, I don't know how much more time I want to devout to pursuing a rather hopeless condition. It just feels best to accept this fact at face value and to stop swimming against this strong tide. It is what it is.
I do know that I am a very dear, caring and loyal friend.
2) I don't know why my previous friends have left, most of them anyway. I fail to understand how non-autistics think. In trying to determine my failings or why others have left, these I have concluded, right or wrong, as I shall never know. (It can truly be maddening, you know...this perpetual unclear, foggy, no clear answer place that is a part of my life)
I guess that:
a) I'm overwhelming. Getting a friend once every year or two is like Christmas morning after living in a swamp. I get so uplifted, exuberant, ascending into this "happy place" and I love it there, and I know it will be brief. I know I will burn out the friendship, so it's like a rush, a race, to get as many answers to questions as fast as possible. It's like a lit match on a snowbank. It's like a junkie's high. I know it won't last so I use it up too fast. Maybe I become obsessive, I don't know, probably. Feeling good for a few weeks a year keeps me going. The remote possibility that I'll be able to  connect with someone again, takes up more of my daydreams than I will ever publicly admit.
b) I don't know the criteria for texting or making a phone call or stopping over to say hi. I may not be calling enough, texting too much or not realize that I've been invited over.
c) I go on silent running, underground, into the bunker. My need for silence and rest can last for days or weeks. I can't continually explain this odd fact. It's complicated.
I do know that I respect the boundries. When ex-friends leave, I don't want to bother them anymore. I'll keep a respectable distance. I don't want to be around anyone that is uncomfortable around me. It's okay.
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3) I don't know my place in this world. I don't know what a woman unable to work, who rarely leaves the house and contributes extremely little to the good of anyone, is doing here. What is my place? What is my purpose?
I do know that I have a rich and wealthy inner world.
4) I don't know if I have any value. This pretty much goes with #3, I guess.
I do know I need to increase my self-worth.
5) I don't know what others think of me. I'm not sure if I want to know. Sometimes, I just wish I knew what others saw in me.
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I spend a lot of time in deep thought, wondering about these cray things. I wish I knew when to let dreams die, you know, the ones that will never come true.
It's frustrating, all this daily, incessant uncertainty. I'm a person that loves concrete answers....and they are nowhere to be found.
Maybe it's just me.

6 comments:

  1. I can relate to just about everything you said. Most of the time I try not to think about those things. It's like training yourself not to want what you can't have too much. Plus, not being able to read people's intentions means you get taken in by people pretending to be your friend. It makes it hard to trust anybody even if you want to because you can't tell the difference between the sincere and the fake. At least that's been my experience.

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  2. Thank you, Sheila! I, too, try not to think about it as much as possible. I like what you say, training yourself not to want what you can't have too much. You said it perfectly!

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  3. Numbers 3, 4 and 5 are my life! The uncertainties, the speculation, the perceived expectations of others... Are there ever any concrete answers? You have concretely stated we feel. Thanks!

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  4. Thanks for the validation Anna!

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  5. We were friends. Aspie friends and I got busy... had a kid. I returned but I never understood why I never got a reply when I wrote again:(

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    1. My everyday life is a mixture of internal chaos (PTSD and MPD), being mom, and just trying to get from one day to the next. I spent two years barely able to move, let alone converse. Just struggling to figure things out and get to my appointments on time, on the right day. Autism is just one thing I'm dealing with on a daily basis. Friendships are these wonderful islands I run into for a bit before the roaring tide carries me back out to sea.

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