On my way to the circus...

So, it feels like I'm living in a circus and riding the front elephant. Some days are just like that.
I've spent a few hours cleaning out sticky memories, otherwise known as my personal bureau drawers. It's nice to realize that I have a choice regarding what papers and pictures to hold onto...and which ones need to be trashed. I filled two bags full of trash and one flat box of keeps.
There is another very full bag of clothes for the second hand store. Two boxes of goods sit by the door to the garage, just waiting to be discarded to the store, as well. Letting go of who I once was, or thought I Had to be. Downsizing, it's good for my health.
I received an invitation to a dear aunts nuptials. Oh, no chance in hell of me showing up but I feel really good about just getting invited. Grateful for the kindness of my aunt as I'm feeling quite invisible lately. I swear, a branch fell from the tree not more than three feet behind me, but, just maybe, it passed right through me. I may be joking but it is how I feel.
Therapy has been tumultuous. I feel like I'm sealed in a barrel without cushions, and perpetually rolling over Niagara Falls without a rudder. Unsettling and somewhat lost and distance these days, even though I've been engaging in tons more grounding activities each and every day.
I currently have use of a real bed. Boy, it sure is nice to sleep in. I don't know why I believed for do long that I couldn't ask for and receive a bed of my own...oh, wait...that's right..I have no self-esteem. I'd laugh but it's too damn bad. I've lived the life of sewer rat for so long, I'd be lost without the stench.
Being a mom has proven to be a dismal challenge. It's like drinking from a poisoned pond and hoping to not get sick...it's all about the odds. Yeah, that visual doesn't make much sense to me.
Trying to build a walkway from nothing but thin air and puffs of filthy smoke. Some days I wish I was high.
I'm amass if images as I seem to be a little slow on the verbalization party. When I can't articulate well, images and visions firm that I simply have to write down and record. The pictures tell the story, in my case.
I'm tired. Time for my annual checkup in a week or two. I'll talk to my nurse prac about meds for sleep. Having a drink or two seems to be the only way to calm down the circus in my head.
Thanks for reading