At a Public Event, Being Autistic Sucks

I'm rarely around people, Autistic and not. Today, I sat at a 6 hour event amongst others, half sitting, half walking by.

At first, I kept thinking they were all friends, all relatives or even that they all went to the same church.

They had a familiarity like I picture a large extended family would. But I don't think they were any of those things. They were just not Aspies. They interacted easily with many words, similar questions and in an easy back-and-forth motion. It was truly a bizarre scene to witness for all those hours.

Me, this quiet, nonverbal ogre in the corner could only observe this communicative feast taking place before me, all around me. Cousins greeting cousins, long lost and those from next door exchanging pleasantries, opinions and advice. 

When the few would speak to me, I'd tumble over haphazard words in nonsensical, unrhyming patter. 

Do you know, has this happened to you, whereby someone is speaking to you and you can find no words so they turn and walk away? (Rightly so, mind you) Yeah, this happened to me today. It's like a slap in the face without that knee jerk reaction to duck. No open hand visibly flying towards me, but same effect. 

I do not have the social skills to do simple things like being a vendor at a craft fair. The only thing that kept me from running out the door after Hell's first hour was the resounding thought that I never ever have to do it again, in my lifetime, like neverevermore. The promise made to myself that kept me somewhat sane and able to complete my 6 hour sentence.

I have moments of raging infuriation that my ideas of doing normal things are smashed, deranged and ridiculous And I Do Not Know Those Ideas Are Well Away From My Actual Aspergian Abilities.

I'm mad at the people around me, when I was growing up, telling me I "just wasn't trying hard enough" and castigating me for undiagnosed autism traits.

"You can do anything you set your mind to" is pure non-autistic bullsh*t that I ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday because all my other siblings, all the other kids in my class could all do simple, everyday things that I Could Not Do. I paid a price Every Day because I was undiagnosed, slow, learned differently, excelled in some areas and spectacularly failed in others.

I'm mad. And I'm hurt. And I tried my best. And I spectacularly failed at what an entire room of people could easily do.

Autism Sucks often and hard and don't let anyone, any non-Autistic tell you otherwise.