Feeling Safe...Aspergers, Autism

I have noticed that I have been using the word "safe" quite a lot in some previous posts. So, since I "go literal" and mean exactly what the dictionary says, and since Most Nts have individualized and highly subjective dictionaries of their own that they use...allow me to explain myself....

Safe: free from danger, damage, harm

(and why is it such a big deal for me?)
I feel safe at my home. I feel safe in my own yard, but venture outside of that perimeter, well, anything can happen and safe level drops considerably.I feel safe in my own home, but only when someone else/ another family member is home with me. (a separate issue that I am working on). I feel relatively safe within my own vehicle. This last week, I felt safe in a strange, foreign environment, to a large degree for hours on end. The latter would be a big first for me.
I feel somewhat safe at my sons school, going for walks in my woods, going to the grocery stores and other local businesses...relatively, somewhat with the biggest unpredictability factor being people.
The more people that there are at any given location, the more likely it is that I will be unexpectedly accosted. (For the uninitiated the dictionary states accost: to approach and speak) I never know who will accost/ speak to me...people talking to me often, though, not necessarily always (I have a number of friends who speak to me and I welcome it and experience no fear) cause me to physically and mentally tense up, go on point, get defensive and basically, stress out. Its just the way it is. I feel that i have covered the whole people talking to me and why it is a stress in some recent, previous posts, so I will not rehash here.
New and strange locations are the biggest offenders as the variables are completely unknown and anything can happen at any moment. So, it surprised me that I felt so almost completely safe during my recent venture. And I really, really like feeling safe. Its nothing but a warm, comforting glow that engulfs and stabilizes. I think it is pretty cool that I get to periodically experience what most people feel on any given day.

One huge factor is the company I keep. Wherever I go with my Partner (and we have traveled quite a bit throughout the US) I experience a stronger level of safe than if I were alone. On my little tripy, I was with someone who I also deeply trusted. Environment..the company I keep is a very large indicator of how safe this Aspie will feel.
I realize now, that feeling safe is a given for most...and that my level of feeling that some people, new environments, different smells and unusual feels are dangerous is outside the normal scope.
I am aware that most NTs walk around wearing a degree of comfortability and that they don't worry that behind a closed door lurks anything other than the safe and familiar. I understand that when someone walks towards them they do not recoil or throw up defensive walls or start searching for the exit. And that every knock on the door is not an intruder, a threat, an accoster..it may just be someone handing out free cookies and milk. Who would have thought?
Its a strange and unpredictable place out there...but its not quite as dangerous and menacing as it was a couple of weeks ago...
Home is safe but once I step outside that door, past the end of my driveway, anything and everyone can happen and the entire ballgame changes. Call it social anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of peoples, general anxiety, whatever, its just the way it is

Travel, Hotels, Glass Elevators, Revolving Doors, Adapting

So six of my last ten posts have started with, "So I went to this conference last week...". And probably the next 20 posts will begin in the same fashion...
So, I went to this conference last week. Change and new things can be quite challenging.

At the hotel, within the first ten minutes, I was presented with three rather fearful and scary scenarios. Yes, three in those first few minutes.
The first threat was the automatic revolving door. I am familiar with the non-automatic kind. You know, the ones in which you control them all by yourself. Those I understand and have experienced.
Upon arriving at the front of this hotel, it was quite clear that this was no average non-automated model. It may have even said Automatic on a sign, either way, I was startled to the point of coming to a complete and abrupt stop. Luckily, I was with a small group of seasoned travelers and had they not kept moving, i surely would have stood there for a spell...just trying to comprehend it. Was it safe? How did it work? What if I got stuck? Is there another entrance?
Yes, there were a couple of other single, normal opening doors off to each side. I don't remember clearly but i think I took the side doors in and out for the first half dozen times or so.
All I kept thinking about was Will Ferrell as Elf and how he played, running and screaming in the revolving door until he got ill and threw up,only to jump back in the door again. It looked much less menacing on the tv screen.

Moving on to hurdle number two. As we were checking in, I noticed that there was a glass elevator in the lobby. Dang, but i am sure they have another "normal", enclosed model somewhere for those of us who are afraid of heights. My companions informed me, Nope. So we piled in.
I took the position of being in intimate contact with the number board, the farthest away from the glass and muttered obscenities under my breath the entire way up to...wait for it...the second floor.

Whew, I thought my challenges were over..until I looked down the Open Hall that led to our room. By Open I mean it was like an open-air walkway with a four foot high wall on each side and nothing but air and a clear view to the lobby below. No, not fun.
Since there was no way around this one Either (yes, I say that with a bit of exasperation and disbelief) I walked directly down the middle away from both edges and not looking down or off to the sides.
Enough already. I mean, new places are mountains enough but pass through the three challenges was quite overwhelming.

Okay, so I stayed there two nights and two and a half days. During that brief time period...everything about these three changed.
I am Aspie and I adapt. The key to a successful life is in the ability to be flexible and adapt.

The first half dozen times riding the elevator nothing really changed...but the next day...I figured the elevator must be relatively stable. So each time I used it, I ventured a little farther away from the number board and started peaking around. And each time, I felt a wee bit more secure and safe so that on our last day there, my friend and I got in the elevator along with some other lady who was going to the fifth floor. And I had to convince my bud that we really should ride it all the way up. And we did. Granted, I stopped looking down half-way up but I did it. I set about to challenge myself to overcome, deal and adapt. I succeeded.

The revolving door was a similar situation. On my own, I was able to check it out a little more thoroughly. I would covertly watch people going in and out and kindof figured out how to probably do it right without injury. So I did. And I kept doing it until it became downright fun. I kept finding myself doing this little dance, this skipping to get on it. I did have to self-restrain myself because secretly, I wanted to go round and round until someone threw me off, but I did not muster the courage for that one..too many people in the lobby.

The elevator and door which were clearly huge problems when I first met them, became playthings. I actually looked forward to them with the door coming in first place.
Now that darn walkway...well it never got comfy cozy or turned into a plaything but I did get used to it enough not to worry or dwell on. I probably continued to stay close to the center of the path, (I stopped paying attention so I'm just not sure) but I did catch myself lightly glancing over the sides and admiring the art on the walls on more than one occasion.

So, this Aspie was downright pleased with her "performance". I figured the conference would go one of three ways. Either it would go really, really bad...really, really good...or somewhere in the middle. It went really, really good.

Smell and Aspergers

I didn't realize this..until I found myself on a trip, away from home and in a strange, new location...but...
I Smell Everything
I, literally, go around and smell things and environments. When I got into the car with my travel companions..the smell of peoples was overwhelming. There was hairspray, perfume, deodorant, sweat, a whole lot of different things going on to the point that I was very unnerved and questioned whether I could make a three hour journey with so many strange and foreign, well, alarming odors. It did diminish as the trip wore on. I got used to it and adapted.
Next stop was the hotel where I would be staying for a couple of nights. Right away I noticed that I was curious/ apprehensive about how the room would smell and i was relieved when it was just fine.
I found myself smelling everything, from the bedding, to the towels, the new soap, the water, food served to my companions, drinks, etc.
And not only was I smelling things but environments as well..every new restaurant, restroom, meeting room and location.
My Eldest son, who also has Aspergers, had always, as long as I could remember, overtly smelled everything and I found it to be...rather queer, unsightly and downright embarrassing so I think that is why I put my need to smell underground. I really did not care to look that silly and out-of-place.
So, once I discovered that I did this..and, quite honestly, I never knew this until last week, I wanted the reason, the rational, the why.
In thinking about it, I smell in order to: a) figure out if my environment is safe, acceptable, comfortable, free from danger, poison and other unpleasantries. b) discover what I can safely touch. I notice that I do not touch unless I smell and realize that it is okay and will probably not harm me. c) in order to tell what is real or not. Say, artificial flowers versus real ones or the wonderful smell of real leather as opposed to irritating fake plastic furniture and such.
Smells are orientating..I found myself gravitating toward flowers that smelled familiar when I ventured into a brand new, large store full of odd, unusual and somewhat threatening odors. The scent of the familiar was very comforting and reassuring...downright calming and peaceful.
I love standing outdoors and just engaging, experiencing the variety of scents of nature, the flowers, the trees, the soil, the leaves...its a cacophony of pleasantries, familiarity and home.
Throughout the summer, I fill my home with freshly cut flowers, herbs and even aromatic tree branches. And in the winter, I utilize the grocery store flower selection quite liberally and it is more common than naught, to find flowers in my home.
I will no longer castigate Eldest for his overt nostril flares. I finally get it. Its a good thing :)

Vacation, Clothing, Packing & Getting ready

When going on vacation, away from home, it takes me quite awhile to get ready. I start at least a week before with internet surfing to try and find photos of the locations that I will be staying, the hotels, the surroundings, area sights and attractions and restaurants, most notably, if they have Wendys and Burger King nearby. I also tend to print out various maps so i can find my way around.

Then I start making list, upon list of what I need to bring from the everyday things like toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, all my daily needs. The next list is composed of those extra things that I take or use everyday or almost everyday, nail clippers, tissue, hand sanitizer,vitamins, various medications, motrin, benadryl, allergy meds and the like. Another list, I use to keep track of all the munchies and food items I need to bring with the homemade stuff needing to be made only a day or two before. Some I have to purchase at the store and others I take off the pantry shelf and put in one place so I can visually see what I already have. I always bring my own water for drinking and teeth brushing, so I have to figure out how much will be enough without having too much to carry. My pillow and blanket are another automatic "must bring".
I rely on previous trips and experiences to provide me with a good idea of what I really do need and what is simply unnecessary, so I continually go over those experiences in my head to help me decide what to bring.
The day before I leave, I can safely pack some clothing: two different pairs of jammies, one for if its cold and the other in case it is too warm, basically a short sleeve shirt and a long, one pair for each night. Socks and pants can also be packed.

Then...then we get to the challenging part....what to wear during the day. On this occasion, I am going to a conference and told it is "casual"..yeah, like I have any clue as what an NT means by "casual". Casual, at home and around town is sweatshirt and jeans..but what is "casual" at a conference? And spoken by an NT? Hmmm, that was a tough one.
Well, I had to figure what kind of mood I would be in. I didn't want to go with the flashy "notice me" bright and obnoxious shirts that I own, nor did I want to go with the humorous, teen-age, amusements that I wear to my sons school for popcorn day. You know, the Elmo shirt, SpongeBob and the Looney Tune ties and shirts would have to stay in the closet.
I really, really wanted my superhero tees because they simply make me feel better and a wee bit invincible and more self-confident, and those could be worn under my shirts. So I figured both Superman and the Clan of Supers could come along. And they did.

Next, the actual shirts...tough call there...I settled with one solid color that I knew would be acceptable in any situation and then two stripes, one pretty wild and one tame. (Geez, does it seem like I personify my clothes? More on that later)
But what if it was chilly in the banquet/ meeting rooms? Then what? So, it was time to pick and choose sweatshirts to go along. I didn't realize that I had gotten rid of a lot to the second-hand store lately and my supply is actually quite low. I figured the hoodie was out, too casual and it can get really warm if the room is high temp. That left a couple of solid colors and the rest had various slogans and sayings. Tough call. The solids were too plain and I had to find ones with slogans, locations that I was comfortable with. If it was a popular vacation spot, say, one of my "Niagara Falls" sweat shirts, that had the potential to attract people and they sometimes inquire and complete strangers will start talking to me about how they went there on vacation too. So I settled on a couple of ones that I was comfortable with...a red Canada and a dark blue Hard Rock Cafe.
Did I mention that it took me all morning to do this? Simply pick, choose and pack my clothing? And some things did need washing and drying and "ironing" which means throw it in the dryer with a wet washcloth.

Then shoes and coats were last on the list. I was all set to wear my leather boots up until the last minute when I figured they, also, would call too much attention to myself and may be inappropriate. So I decided to wear the merrells and bring my glow-in-the-dark vivid green brooks tennis shoes if I became comfortable enough, plus they really dd feel the bestest.
Anyway, so, finally an hour or two before departure time, I had my ensemble, second-guessing myself most the day and going back and recheck the closet for possible substitutions.
I ended up with one med-large suitcase, 3 shirts and a sport coat on hangers, one large garbage bag for blankie, pillow and shoes, a small case for all my toiletries (damn, I hate that word but can find no other) and my backpack, chock full of things I may need at a moments notice, pen, paper, snacks, water, MP3 and such. I was good to go.

So, we arrive at our destination and all 12-14 peoples in my group went out to dinner. During dinner time conversation, the subject of how long it took me to pack came up and I said how it had taken me the entire day to pack my clothes. (I was with a group of Special ed/ Autism Professionals and that was very clear...wait for it). And someone asked me how many changes of clothes I had brought (for a two-day event) and I said...Well, 5...maybe 8? And the looks on the faces of the peoples...priceless. They all maintained composure, no one rip-roared laughed but I could tell by the wide eyes and the sudden Stop, that what i had just said was highly unusual. I give my companions sooo much credit for not exhibiting facial expressions of aghast or "OMG, you have got to be kidding me" or outright laughter. Me, I honestly, did not know that what I had said was unusual in any way, shape or form.
It must have been the caliber of my companions...I was very impressed with their composure and how they handled the situation...seriously.
So, quite suddenly, I was aware that I was different than these NT's, but it was okay. I was not embarrassed in the least. So, I want to figure this out, so I ask my friend, to my right, "Well, how long did it take you to pack?" And she replies, "thirty minutes."
Now, it was my turn to be aghast. I think my jaw probably dropped because I had a hard time believing this.
I questioned further with.."So, you just pick clothes out of the closet and throw them in?"
"Yup"
I went on to explain how, previously, I had packed one set of clothes for each day I was to be gone and on the last couple of days I was left with two choices, neither of which felt right or that I was comfortable with. And I was soooo uncomfortable that I learned to pack extra.

Obviously, NT's do not have the same relationship with their clothing as this aspie does.
Later on, I remarked how NT's are born with enough skin and that I was not and my clothing was like my protect layer, my outer skin. I express myself and protect myself by my clothing and each piece has some meaning or "feel" to it.
Funny, I relayed this story to my Aspie son and he chuckled in agreement. "Yeah, they just don't get it."
It is odd, how NT's put most of their energy into relationships and socialization with other peoples but this Aspie, anyway, puts an equal amount of energy into inanimate objects, such as clothing, music, knowledge in order to try and feel some degree of comfort, safety and protection.
You have to wonder....