The Dichotomy of Aspergers

Lately, I have come to realize why it feels that I live in a bipolar quandary of consternation. Aspergers seems to be a living, breathing dichotomy of contradiction. Allow me to illustrate my point.
I often appear aloof and distant yet am extremely sensitive and deeply and intimately in touch with my emotional state.
I try and be the most strategically prepared for any event yet frequently exhibit no impulse control. I thoroughly explore every aspect of an upcoming conversation yet have been known to blurt out rude and inappropriate remarks.
I can become completely and supremely focused and knowldegable on one singular, obscure subject which few can comprehend yet I have difficulty figuring out what to cook for dinner. And you don't even want to know how long it takes me to figure out what to dress myself in each day or how I have to set alarm clocks all over my house to remember to be alert to when my kid gets off the bus or when someone is stopping over or when I have to leave to do something on time. And there is the plethora of sticky notes throughout my house in order to remember to do this or that and set this appt and cancel that subscription. Yup, still the dumbest smart person you will ever know.
I am quite aware of some of my physical tics yet can also forget about others personal space and have startled many a friend or acquaintance with completely unexpected physical contact. OMG, my poor friend...she came up behind me at school and I hadn't seen her in weeks and when I turned and saw her, I was overjoyed and grasped her in a huge hug completely forgetting that she is not a touch person. Thank the good Lord she just smiled and was not offended. Trust me, it happens a lot. And most of the time, I am at a complete loss as to being able to control myself.
Its as if I am always hungry yet have no clue what to eat. Indecisive. Impulsive. Befuddled.
I crave solitude but fear being alone. I mean, comeon...how does one make any sense of that?
I push people away and lock the doors but I also beg for them to knock.
There is a reason I sit and ponder and have no clue as to which direction to take. And I think...that I have always pretty much lived in this state.

I want people to talk softly yet I fly off my handle and can launch into loud, obnoxious tirades.
I acknowledge my emotional side yet can easily tromp all over someone elses.
I am forever trying to protect myself yet invade others boundaries.
Thoughtful and thoughtless. Heavily controlled, regulated but prone to impulsive outbursts/ outpourings. Very intense and completely subdued and malleable. How does one reckon? How can one accept that their world is such a dichotomy? That black is right but so is white? I am the pot calling the kettle black. Its hard to....accept that this is just who I am.
Sometimes Aspergers isn't easy to live with. Somehow I need to find some peace among these pieces:)

Loneliness....a repost because it is That good

....On Loneliness and Aspergers Syndrome
(originally posted the first week I started blogging...January 28, 2010)
On loneliness...my son thinks that the lack of friends is a fair trade-off for marked intelligence. I don't necessarily share that view.
Being alone in a room full of people, stranded on a deserted island, cast onto the open sea in a boat without oars, standing at a podium in an empty auditorium, straddling the precipice of depressions abysmal abyss, silent screams in the dead of night...I know of loneliness.
How often I thought God had spat me into the wrong universe. And He forgot to give me the universal translator. Forgive my repetition, but the closest analogy is to find yourself in a foreign land where you don't speak the language and can't find a dictionary...You don't know how you got there...and cannot even formulate a plan to get to?...to get to? Where?
Or being separated by a pane of glass from everyone around you, always an onlooker, always one step removed...the painful part? You see them interacting with ease and try as you might, there is no way you can ever reach them. Or figure out how they do it.
Oh and they seemed so comfortable with themselves and in their own skin. They knew who they were, what they wanted, had goals and the means to reach them......the pain and sometimes, such loathing. I wanted to be like that.
I was truly fortunate to have so many siblings. I always had someone to talk to, to do things with. I often think the main reason I had children was because I wanted someone to always be with and who would accept me just as I am.
Childhood friendships seemed to form and dissolve like the seasons. High school was a little easier because I had aunts who would buy the beer and I was a pretty good sidekick. I deeply appreciate those high school friends...more than words can ever say.
Every relationship is a push me- pull me. Protecting my privacy...oh, I am a master builder of walls, and wanting a confidant, someone to hang with and share my inner tumultuous workings. Its a struggle fraught with consternation.
I made great strides when my eldest was born because it gave me a common denominator to talk about with other people. I joined the universal group of motherhood and immediately my world expanded. It thrust me out of my shell and there was always something to talk about or a question to be be asked or an antic to share.
When my second son was born I joined an even more elite group..mothers of children with disabilities and that..and that really challenged me at first. And I wasn't sure i would be a member in good standing. But I rose to the challenge. And these mothers, these mothers are a very special, exceptionally strong breed apart. And I couldn't be more happy to be a member. My youngest has drawn out such hidden, untapped strengths that I never knew I had. I am so grateful for both of my boys. And a prouder mother could never be found.
There is less loneliness in my life these days, much, much less. But it is easy to reminiscence and feel that lostness. The times when I just wanted a kind word to justify my existence. A smile that said "you are accepted here". Or a even a nod of the head that said, "you're ok".
No one knows me. Does anyone ever really know another person?
And yes, I have the ability to form friendships and keep them. I have realized their great value in my life and actively work to keep in touch and up-to-date.
I have many people that i care about and that care about me...and I am letting them in...slowly...on the secret that is me.

I'm Not Autistic, I Have Aspergers

I have never really been comfortable saying that I am Autistic. For some reason, in my head, I have Only had Aspegers and "mild autism". Autism denotes Rainman and Aspergers is Bill Gates and Einstein. I didn't want to be in the former group.
So, I went to this conference a couple weeks ago...you may have heard about it. Anyway, it kindof slowly dawned on me that, yes, I am autistic. And, if you have noticed, a number of my posts now group both together both words Autism, Aspergers. Its a not-so-subtle attempt to wrap my brain around the moniker.
I used to think, that I had "sporadic" or "intermittent" autism in that I only really considered my self an Aussie when I got emotional and lost control of what my body was doing or had serious verbal issues.
Yeah, having lived with my...unique way of thinking and doing things, I just considered myself to be an oddball, eccentric and a wee bit strange with some comorbid PTSD, anxiety and phobias. Okay, so the comorbidities are Part of my Autism...I get it, now. And Aspergers is one part of the multi-faceted autism spectrum which covers a very wide range.
I cannot have Aspergers without being autistic. Starting to get it.

In many ways, if I were to dwell and look back, behind me at the past...I actually feel...better about having the autistic label then the mental illness, schizo disorder, manic-depressive, and other mental illnesses that I have worn, periodically, throughout my years.
Autism somehow, implies that I am okay just the way I am. I am no longer "damaged goods" or worse yet, someone who is acting out in erratic and uncontrolled ways in an attention seeking ploy and faking and pretending.
Man, I have been sooo hard on myself. Attribute it to my intelligence and strong logic, but I could find no "sane" reason as to why my emotions, my verbalizing and my body movements were sporadically completely out-of-my-control. It made no logical sense and I thought I had some strange and warped subconscious thinking going on that was causing me to "act out". Seriously, I beat myself up unrelentingly and vehemently for my autistic behaviors and mannerisms, because I did not know I was autistic. I cannot impress enough how deeply troubling and extremely frustrating it is to be aware of ones own words (or lack thereof), emotions and physical body completely run amok and have absolutely no control..whatsoever of ones own actions. To say it is truly agonizingly frustrating is a severe understatement and I would wish such a malady upon not my worst enemy.
I will say it again because I operate and understand logic...I felt like such a malcontent, mental defective, idiotic, seriously needy and way warped ogre due to the outward expression of myself and how I presented myself to the outside world. I could rationalize my behavior by most simply, looking at my parents and there extremely odd ways. And, yeah, I did not see my father as autistic either only as one severly depraraved individual with anger issues. So, actually, this news of my autism and aspergers is quite liberating. Yet another self-loathing behavior neutralized...another wall fall down, one more big stick to put back in the closet...or better yet, to burn never to be raised again.
I'm really not as bad of a person as I thought. Going to the conference and seeing people interested and totally accepting of autism definitely had an effect on this aspie.
In a strange way...in a very strange way...having the label of "autistic" makes me sooo much more normal. and I can like who I am even more

Imaginary Friends and Creatures...Aspergers and Coping

The life inside the exclusive, solitary existence called Autism and Aspergers, often denotes the need to develop...unusual coping strategies in order to remain functional.
One such strategy, that I have heavily employed, at certain times throughout my life, has been the creation of imaginary friends and various animals/ creatures/ critters.
My imagination, my "reality" has always been of a very "slippery" nature and highly mutable. I think the vast majority of neuro-typicals see and experience "reality" as something extremely solid and stable, like a rock or a mountain. For this Aspie, reality is more of a whisp, a cloud, an every changing etherical foundation that shifts and transports, nothing even remotely resembling what most call "reality".
There is much truth in the statement, "I live in my own world and just stop by and play in yours." I walk a very fine line and with the simplest of audibles or memories, can time transport at the drop of a hat. Some times, I would like to think that Most times, I can control this, but, most certainly, there are times that I cannot. It is indeed, both a blessing and a curse.
Whilst I can create beautiful, flowing and vibrantly real poetry, I can also be thrown into a chaotic hell of emotional turmoil at some rather ugly remembrances. I often long for the semblance of stability and groundedness which I often seek in my closet friends.

One way my slippery reality and overly creative imagination has helped me..is when I am scared.
Growing up, whenever I did not want to be alone, I always created an imaginary friend who was right there with me when the worstest of things would be happening and having that "friend" made life survivable.
Even when no one would play with me, there was always "someone" who would. There was always "someone" who listened, who cared, who loved me, who I could talk to without reserve...someone who accepted and understood me. It was an extreme survival skill that I learned when I was very young.
Back when I was in massage school, our class had to travel a few hours away one weekend a month. I was extremely anxious, and highly agoraphobic and to calm my nerves and make the trip "doable", I created a vision of an imaginary white horse that always traveled along side me on my journeys. I could see it as clearly as you see your computer. Having my white horse always at my side, keeping pace gave me an "unreal" sense of safety and security...I wasn't alone...I had a traveling companion...albeit an imaginary one.
Even now, though the need has greatly, heartily diminished, I continue to have an imaginary critter to accompany me when I am out on my own and feeling vulnerable, overly anxious or downright scared. Call it monophobia,agoraphobia or simply having a constant, trustworthy companion, it works. The funny thing is, my critter gets larger or smaller depending on my fear level. If I am feeling especially anxious, he is almost as large as myself, protecting me from any perceived or imagined danger. Its how I get through.

I have always lived anything but a normal, neuro-typical existence and the defenses and crisis management tools that I employ are surely atypical and questionable. I don't recommend going around and creating people or creatures, but one must maintain, survive and get by, somehow.
As I write this..it seems really sad that an individual would have to go to such extremes just to feel safe in the outside world. I have found Aspergers to be an exercise in extreme aloneness and isolation...one has to find what works and helps. Aspie is what Aspie has to do.

My Diet Sucks..Gluten-Free and Sucking It

Even before I started my gluten-free diet, I really ate and liked a very limited amout of food,. Now, being completely Gfree for over a month now and having lost 20 pounds...Let me tell you...
The list of foods that I regularly eat is minimalistic, at best. I am actually going to list these items because, quite frankly, I need to expand my dining choices.
Here goes: bread and peanut butter (breakfast every single day :)
Ore Ida waffle french fries (seems like they are lunch every single day) plus hoards of ketchup (remember that is a vegetable in some strange circles. And I do eat tons of it)
apples, bananas, orange and cranberry juice, diet pepsi, coffee, teas, chicken (mostly that precooked broasted stuff from the grocery store. It is delish and downright cheaper than buying one to cook up) lettuce salad, tomato, spinach, carrots, onion, sweet peppers,corn, sweet potatoes, potatoes, other organic fruits when I can find them
hamburger, and most other red meats, and salmon
cheese (I love cheese. Now you see why I can't give It up...I would starve to death and turn into a waif) Mostly corn chips and cheese for snack or dinner.
GF choco chip cookies
Rice milk and Chex cereal almost every evening, bedtime snack
SNICKERS fun size bars
Activia yogurt every day
white rice
chop suey vegetables
hideous GF cornbread
the snickers and choco cookies are my only desserts thus far.
And honey, seriously, thats about the extent of it. It is really easy for me to shop for myself. Short list and all.

There are just sooo many foods that I do not like or tolerate. Did I mention that I am also on a low fat diet due to my gallbladder surgery last year? That cuts things down considerably.
I am allergic to egg yolks, wine, garlic. I dislike pork, lamb, sausage is not GF.
I cannot tolerate the texture, smell or taste of any beans.
I miss my pot pies and all floury stuff like bread, biscuits, crescent rolls, cake, donuts, etc.
I miss gravy and really must try the GF flour to see if I can't make some to go over my chicken.
Anyway, this eating heaps of fries everyday has to go. Man, they taste so absolutely fabulous but I need to find more choices.

I take a multi-vitamin every day along with some B complex, because i realize they are really,really necessary.

Gosh, that looks pretty darn sparse. Anyway, just thought i would take a looksie and see where i was at. Yeah, time to expand my choices here. G'day

Sometimes I Do Sneaky, Fun Stuff..that no one knows about...(till now)

So I went to this conference last week,,,really I did. And I did a number of little things that were downright fun and still tickle me and make me giggly inside if I think about them.
So, I thought I would share....
You know, you are not supposed to touch a lot of stuff. Most things that hang out in hotel lobbies like, paintings, art, plants, sculpture, water fountain (damn, I should have touched that...next time).
I'm not sure if it is a "real" rule or just something frowned upon or if I just think it is against the law...not sure. Anyway, it felt simply mischievous and nefarious, wicked good to do.
Once, in the infamous glass elevator, I was about to get off on my own floor and hit all the buttons on my way out. Yeah, I really don't get out much and breaking the "law" even minorly is a big step for this prudent Aspie.
In the lobby, they had a variety of plants. Some I knew to be plastic and others, well, I wasn't so sure. So, when no one was looking, over in the back, there were tables full of potted greens that looked like wheat grass. So, I went over and grabbed hold of them...plastic. Good imitation though.
I also touched the bromelaids that lined the outside of the bar. Those were real...nice.
Okay, then, the first time I went to use the restroom...Dang, it was sharp and very upscale with pretend gold faucets and marble-like floors and walls. Man, the swinging wooden inlay doors even were of top-quality, heavy-duty and not falling off the hinges.
So, after I washed my hands and wiped off on the paper towels, I could find no wastebasket...and I looked everywhere. Boy, was I stymied and could so not figure this one out. No one else was in there so I was on my own. Finally, I simply gave up and threw the paper towel under the cloth sink skirt and called it good.
It wasn't until my second trip in that I observed the woman in front of me use one of those "holes in the counter top with wastebasket underneath" thingies. OMG, yup, I felt like a dope but not dopey enough to retrieve my paper towels that I had disposed of the last time, under the sink.
I attempted to steal small bars of "complimentary" soap off the cleaning ladies carts, twice, but both times was thwarted due to the fact that cleaning personal are hiding them much better and they no longer lay on Top of the cart. Damn.
Then...omg, I woke up in just a giggly mood that second morning. As I went into the ballroom, I snuck up behind my buddy, grabbed her chair and shook the hell out of it for a few seconds. I don't know what possessed me there, either, it simply had to be done. Resistance was completely and utterly futile, I swear. Plus, I think somewhere in my warped little mind, I knew she would be okay with that. She was. And I got another chuckle. Dang, that was fun!
And then there was the time I moved the car in the parking lot and "dared" her vie text, to try and find it :) I enjoyed that very much as well.
So that accounts for my out-of-character, fun-loving and downright silly moves. Small things are Big things...it was fun to play.

A Positive Aspie Day...this Is funny..Aspergers

A semi-typical Aspie day...
So,I went to the grocery store early this morning after dropping Younglink at school. Immediately, upon entering, I smelled intense cleaning fluid, like, Mr. Clean, is my guess. It was pretty darn strong but then, I noticed the floors. Wow, they were almost shiny and I had never seen them so clean before. So, this clean floor factor weighed heavily in my mind and thoughts.
I turn the corner at the bakery section and run into an acquaintance from Younglinks school..another parent who I do popcorn day with.
We exchanged the usual, mandatory pleasantries of "How are yous?"
And then I unceremoniously and with no censorship exclaimed, "Did you see how clean the floors are? OMG,they smell great, don't they?"
Okay, so she got just a mildly odd look on her face but didn't really skip a beat when she said, "Why, I hadn't noticed."
I am so glad I work with her at popcorn day, because she knows I am Aspie. She has never really seen me in my Rainman, blurt out whatever is on my mind mode. But she is a big girl and she dealt.
As I walked away I chuckled to myself. See, this is what happens when I agree to stop censoring myself. Whilst I become more comfortable with myself, my autism shows quite a bit more.
Its all pretty new for me..taking this risk of not being so self-restrained and dressing in muzzle and straitjacket every morning when my feet hit the floor.
I thought I would try this "freedom" thingy and be more comfortable with myself and my processes. I decided to step out more than I ever have. And, yes, I am taking it slowly, but it feels down right gratifying.

The other thing I did which was totally out-of-the-box and out of character...I went to a local public meeting, which was filmed and all. Before God, the camera and about 16 people, I stood up, heavily in the midst of a panic attack with my heart pounding out of my chest (you know, I have had them, panics, so very often, I should be quite used to them and the unsettling feeling, so I dealt) and stated my plea for "I voted" stickers. Because other districts hand them out, it promotes voting and dammit, give me my sticker!
I am not sure what exactly possessed me, but this seemed an inviting issue to tackle.
Did I mention I flew solo? That I went completely by myself and I was fine with that?
On the way to the meeting, I gave myself an out and said that I would simply attempt this and if I positively could not do it, than no harm done. But I Was going to attempt this!
And I gloriously and without a twitch, stood up, looked the board chairman in the eye and pleaded my case.
I guess I won't know till the next election if the stickers will start flowing or not..but I can sleep at night knowing I made my case known.
And yes, if stickers do start showing up on election day, well, I will get ALLLL the credit. I deserve it.
Yeah Baby!!!!