A Positive Aspie Day...this Is funny..Aspergers

A semi-typical Aspie day...
So,I went to the grocery store early this morning after dropping Younglink at school. Immediately, upon entering, I smelled intense cleaning fluid, like, Mr. Clean, is my guess. It was pretty darn strong but then, I noticed the floors. Wow, they were almost shiny and I had never seen them so clean before. So, this clean floor factor weighed heavily in my mind and thoughts.
I turn the corner at the bakery section and run into an acquaintance from Younglinks school..another parent who I do popcorn day with.
We exchanged the usual, mandatory pleasantries of "How are yous?"
And then I unceremoniously and with no censorship exclaimed, "Did you see how clean the floors are? OMG,they smell great, don't they?"
Okay, so she got just a mildly odd look on her face but didn't really skip a beat when she said, "Why, I hadn't noticed."
I am so glad I work with her at popcorn day, because she knows I am Aspie. She has never really seen me in my Rainman, blurt out whatever is on my mind mode. But she is a big girl and she dealt.
As I walked away I chuckled to myself. See, this is what happens when I agree to stop censoring myself. Whilst I become more comfortable with myself, my autism shows quite a bit more.
Its all pretty new for me..taking this risk of not being so self-restrained and dressing in muzzle and straitjacket every morning when my feet hit the floor.
I thought I would try this "freedom" thingy and be more comfortable with myself and my processes. I decided to step out more than I ever have. And, yes, I am taking it slowly, but it feels down right gratifying.

The other thing I did which was totally out-of-the-box and out of character...I went to a local public meeting, which was filmed and all. Before God, the camera and about 16 people, I stood up, heavily in the midst of a panic attack with my heart pounding out of my chest (you know, I have had them, panics, so very often, I should be quite used to them and the unsettling feeling, so I dealt) and stated my plea for "I voted" stickers. Because other districts hand them out, it promotes voting and dammit, give me my sticker!
I am not sure what exactly possessed me, but this seemed an inviting issue to tackle.
Did I mention I flew solo? That I went completely by myself and I was fine with that?
On the way to the meeting, I gave myself an out and said that I would simply attempt this and if I positively could not do it, than no harm done. But I Was going to attempt this!
And I gloriously and without a twitch, stood up, looked the board chairman in the eye and pleaded my case.
I guess I won't know till the next election if the stickers will start flowing or not..but I can sleep at night knowing I made my case known.
And yes, if stickers do start showing up on election day, well, I will get ALLLL the credit. I deserve it.
Yeah Baby!!!!

Self-Restraint, Self Control and Aspergers

I didn't realize it, till last week, but I wake up in morning and put on two straitjackets. No, make that one straitjacket and a muzzle.
From the get-go, I start monitoring and censuring my verbalizations and my erratic, unpredictable body movements. One would think and ponder why I would need to do this not only on the outside of my home amongst peoples, but also, most definitely within my own secure environment.

The first answer that springs to mind, I have kids. And kids mimic parents. If mom screams at spiders and dad throws chairs you will probably have a child who turns in to an adult who screams and throws chairs. Look it up. It happens...common knowledge.
So, I didn't want my boys to "pick up" and imitate mommy and her ticky little dances and talking off the top of her head to herself. It just seemed very prudential, practical, necessary.
Thus I have lived in a state of perpetual self-restraint and self-censorship. And it has pretty much felt like a cage with shades and blinds. I mean, how can i be happy and comfortable with who I am if i am so afraid to show my true self? Really?
Another factor would be..hmmm, a bit tougher here...I..don't want to embarrass myself..to my self. I know what looks stupid and mental and I didn't want to see my self behaving in ...hmmm, autistic, spastic ways. Yeah, I didn't want to embarrass myself.
How can one like oneself when the majority of existence is spent hiding and covering the mirrors?
So, at home, my haven of safe, I was anything but free.
The whole going out in public, everyone can understand relatively easy with half a brain. Public embarrassment, saying and blurting out the wrong things, ticky dances are simply not acceptable behaviors..I get that.

Funny thing happened last week...you may have heard about it:)
I went to an autism conference and from my own judgement the vast majority of peoples at this whole hotel were educators and peoples familiar with Aspergers and Autism. And I felt really, really free.
I mean, where else could I have left the straitjacket and muzzle at home and gone skipping down the hallways when I felt like it? Where else would I have felt comfortable, pilfering party favors, asking strangers for strange things and not feel at all self-conscious? Where else could I have asked complete strangers if I could touch their pretty shiny things? (See previous post on Magpie Syndrome..yeah, I am still stuck there. I don't get out much and there were Lots and Lots of pretty shinies :)
I know of no other location where I could freely and out loud be Aspie. And I graciously and with humbled pride easily announced it to everyone I met. Never before, cupcake, never before. I found it incredibly freeing and liberating.
I have been known to laugh out loud, not often and it highly depends on the company and amount of alcohol I have ingested, but it can happen. However, I have never (except with my Partner) rip-roared laughed and chuckled, oh chortled (dic: to make or utter with a gleeful chuckling or snorting sound) in the presence of any one else ever. Omg, it was a riot. I just let it all hang out...I kid you not. And even more astounding, I wasn't embarrassed.

Man, I really let myself go and I saw myself in brand new ways. And I didn't realize how much energy and effort I was putting into self-restraining every word and motion from the moment i got up in the morning until 2am when I went to bed at night.
You see, even home alone, I felt ashamed which is even a more appropriate term than embarrassed as it implies a certain degree of shame and self-loathing. In a strong way, I was denying who I truly was...my Aspergers, my Autism. I have been so self-conscious and hidden, even to me. There were just so many barriers, layer after layer of them that I had been incorporating over the many years.
But then, I got to experience who i really am...and Honey there ain't any going back.
I refuse to go back into the dark, in the recesses of the closet, back into that cage-like, muffled existence. I refuse to be ashamed or embarrassed at that which God made in such perfection. I simply will hide no more, especially from myself. I am allll good. I am Aspie

The Visual Thinker, Conversation, Communication...Autism, Aspergers and Me

So, I went to this conference lest week :) And on the 3-4 hour drive back home, I was actively engaged in a conversation of many parts, particulars and subjects.
Later that night and the next day, I was recalling the talk and picking out what was said and looking at it.
The most unusual and unexpected thing happened and I will attempt to accurately explain it here.
As I worked to remember a subject discussed, say, when my friend asked me what my ideal job would be..I saw us pulling into a local store, exactly where she asked the question. In a "slippery" reality way, I was there.
The same thing happened as I recalled the entire rest of the conversation.
I asked her if she wanted to stop and visit my family, on US 31 near the 28th street exit. We talked about all the different places I lived by the veterans cemetery and Riverside park in GR. My hospital stays were at Alpine Ave exit. I brought up special interests, the Holy Grail and my friend, Bob, sitting at Wendys eating fries and burger.
As the landscape became more diffuse...all the way from Muskegon/ Whitehall to the Hart exit there really are no major landmarks...my recall is more fuzzy. Like, we talked about dogs, pets, neighbors, relationships, kids..all within that blank area. I can recall the things we said but definitely, not as clear. Much, much harder to remember and put in chronological order.
Once we hit Ludington, a city with many buildings and landmarks, once again...clarity. Imaginary friends, visual thinking, my reality, nursing homes, elderly versus children with disabilities.
That is so funny and odd. I do better at memorization with a moving and changing landscape. That would explain why Eldest, my almost non-verbal aspie, converses most when we are walking or driving.
I'm just guessing but it seems our brains work differently when sitting still in the same room as opposed to in motion.
I have never read anything about this subject in books or caught it on the internet. Very interesting.
Obviously, if I had any doubts that I was a visual thinker...they were erased.
My mind, very subconsciously, as I had made no conscious effort to do so, was scanning the horizon, my immediate environment and linking my location with what was being said.
It must be some sort of aspergian "memory tool", because I am easily, very easily able to recall almost the entire 4 hour conversation.
I cannot ever remember being aware of this feature in any way, before this past week. And to have it be so...thorough and specific. I mean, just think of the length of the talk....How many people can recall entire conversations that are that long?
Part of me wonders, what would it have been like...would i have been able to remember so well, if the we were not on the road and the scenery was constantly changing? Would it have been the same had it been a different companion?
It wasn't an earth-shattering sharing of very important, vital information...No, nothing more than a friendly chat.
I find this very interesting and downright fascinating. See, every now and then I am amazed, astounded and very impressed with how my Aspie mind works. This would be one such occasion :)