A Positive Aspie Day...this Is funny..Aspergers

A semi-typical Aspie day...
So,I went to the grocery store early this morning after dropping Younglink at school. Immediately, upon entering, I smelled intense cleaning fluid, like, Mr. Clean, is my guess. It was pretty darn strong but then, I noticed the floors. Wow, they were almost shiny and I had never seen them so clean before. So, this clean floor factor weighed heavily in my mind and thoughts.
I turn the corner at the bakery section and run into an acquaintance from Younglinks school..another parent who I do popcorn day with.
We exchanged the usual, mandatory pleasantries of "How are yous?"
And then I unceremoniously and with no censorship exclaimed, "Did you see how clean the floors are? OMG,they smell great, don't they?"
Okay, so she got just a mildly odd look on her face but didn't really skip a beat when she said, "Why, I hadn't noticed."
I am so glad I work with her at popcorn day, because she knows I am Aspie. She has never really seen me in my Rainman, blurt out whatever is on my mind mode. But she is a big girl and she dealt.
As I walked away I chuckled to myself. See, this is what happens when I agree to stop censoring myself. Whilst I become more comfortable with myself, my autism shows quite a bit more.
Its all pretty new for me..taking this risk of not being so self-restrained and dressing in muzzle and straitjacket every morning when my feet hit the floor.
I thought I would try this "freedom" thingy and be more comfortable with myself and my processes. I decided to step out more than I ever have. And, yes, I am taking it slowly, but it feels down right gratifying.

The other thing I did which was totally out-of-the-box and out of character...I went to a local public meeting, which was filmed and all. Before God, the camera and about 16 people, I stood up, heavily in the midst of a panic attack with my heart pounding out of my chest (you know, I have had them, panics, so very often, I should be quite used to them and the unsettling feeling, so I dealt) and stated my plea for "I voted" stickers. Because other districts hand them out, it promotes voting and dammit, give me my sticker!
I am not sure what exactly possessed me, but this seemed an inviting issue to tackle.
Did I mention I flew solo? That I went completely by myself and I was fine with that?
On the way to the meeting, I gave myself an out and said that I would simply attempt this and if I positively could not do it, than no harm done. But I Was going to attempt this!
And I gloriously and without a twitch, stood up, looked the board chairman in the eye and pleaded my case.
I guess I won't know till the next election if the stickers will start flowing or not..but I can sleep at night knowing I made my case known.
And yes, if stickers do start showing up on election day, well, I will get ALLLL the credit. I deserve it.
Yeah Baby!!!!

Self-Restraint, Self Control and Aspergers

I didn't realize it, till last week, but I wake up in morning and put on two straitjackets. No, make that one straitjacket and a muzzle.
From the get-go, I start monitoring and censuring my verbalizations and my erratic, unpredictable body movements. One would think and ponder why I would need to do this not only on the outside of my home amongst peoples, but also, most definitely within my own secure environment.

The first answer that springs to mind, I have kids. And kids mimic parents. If mom screams at spiders and dad throws chairs you will probably have a child who turns in to an adult who screams and throws chairs. Look it up. It happens...common knowledge.
So, I didn't want my boys to "pick up" and imitate mommy and her ticky little dances and talking off the top of her head to herself. It just seemed very prudential, practical, necessary.
Thus I have lived in a state of perpetual self-restraint and self-censorship. And it has pretty much felt like a cage with shades and blinds. I mean, how can i be happy and comfortable with who I am if i am so afraid to show my true self? Really?
Another factor would be..hmmm, a bit tougher here...I..don't want to embarrass myself..to my self. I know what looks stupid and mental and I didn't want to see my self behaving in ...hmmm, autistic, spastic ways. Yeah, I didn't want to embarrass myself.
How can one like oneself when the majority of existence is spent hiding and covering the mirrors?
So, at home, my haven of safe, I was anything but free.
The whole going out in public, everyone can understand relatively easy with half a brain. Public embarrassment, saying and blurting out the wrong things, ticky dances are simply not acceptable behaviors..I get that.

Funny thing happened last week...you may have heard about it:)
I went to an autism conference and from my own judgement the vast majority of peoples at this whole hotel were educators and peoples familiar with Aspergers and Autism. And I felt really, really free.
I mean, where else could I have left the straitjacket and muzzle at home and gone skipping down the hallways when I felt like it? Where else would I have felt comfortable, pilfering party favors, asking strangers for strange things and not feel at all self-conscious? Where else could I have asked complete strangers if I could touch their pretty shiny things? (See previous post on Magpie Syndrome..yeah, I am still stuck there. I don't get out much and there were Lots and Lots of pretty shinies :)
I know of no other location where I could freely and out loud be Aspie. And I graciously and with humbled pride easily announced it to everyone I met. Never before, cupcake, never before. I found it incredibly freeing and liberating.
I have been known to laugh out loud, not often and it highly depends on the company and amount of alcohol I have ingested, but it can happen. However, I have never (except with my Partner) rip-roared laughed and chuckled, oh chortled (dic: to make or utter with a gleeful chuckling or snorting sound) in the presence of any one else ever. Omg, it was a riot. I just let it all hang out...I kid you not. And even more astounding, I wasn't embarrassed.

Man, I really let myself go and I saw myself in brand new ways. And I didn't realize how much energy and effort I was putting into self-restraining every word and motion from the moment i got up in the morning until 2am when I went to bed at night.
You see, even home alone, I felt ashamed which is even a more appropriate term than embarrassed as it implies a certain degree of shame and self-loathing. In a strong way, I was denying who I truly was...my Aspergers, my Autism. I have been so self-conscious and hidden, even to me. There were just so many barriers, layer after layer of them that I had been incorporating over the many years.
But then, I got to experience who i really am...and Honey there ain't any going back.
I refuse to go back into the dark, in the recesses of the closet, back into that cage-like, muffled existence. I refuse to be ashamed or embarrassed at that which God made in such perfection. I simply will hide no more, especially from myself. I am allll good. I am Aspie

Bells and Whistles...Idioms

A few times in the past week, the subject of idioms has come up. One fellow blogger even asked for readers favorites. Immediately "Bells and Whistles" came to mind. LOL...it makes me smile just to think about...and the visual picture is delightful. When someone says "Bells and Whistled" I always see the same thing...a train steam whistle blowing and large, golden church bells ringing. And the feeling...it makes me feel good inside and always brings a smile to my face and a softness in my chest. It is purity, luxury, deserving, joy...Yeah, I really like Bells and Whistles :)

My Doctor Thinks....

In one of my many...medical journeys this past week, a doctor remarked that it appeared I was coming down with rosacea, a common skin condition in which the forehead and cheeks take on a ruddy, reddish complexion.
At the time I agreed that it was possible and would pursue it further with my family doctor if need be...
Well, it must have taken me 3-4 hours to realize that my forehead was excessively red because I routinely rub the area in question as a self-soothing mannerism when I am stressed. Yeah, its been that kind of week.
I had to smile

I Love Legos.....WTF???

Okay, will someone please tell me why a half-grown, forty something woman would like nothing more then to clear out an entire room and buy every single Lego kit available?? And spend her days lost in a world of tiny, small plastic red, and yellow bricks, paltry plastic flowers of blue and robotic looking peoples with fake follicles and cheerful little grins?
Why has the latest Lego catalog..the first one I have seen in years...caused me to ponder such irrational thinking as to...hmmm..if I win the Mega Millions I could have a whole house full of every Lego kit every made. I could have a gazillion of the little figures...which are so fricking cute...and definitely I would be able to purchase the 400$ Star Wars Death Star with 24 figures...no sweat.
Maybe it is due to my toy-less childhood, my Gemini youthful charisma or it could be my deeply hidden playful nature...who knows? I never saw a Lego until I was in my late 20's after I had Eldest. The first pack I purchased was those fun loving green Forest Peoples and their tree house fortress. Man, was that cool!! They even had one..yes, count it..one little forest wench with the prettiest shade of red lipstick...she really knew how to handle them forest boys!! And I didn't buy it for my then 16 month old son...hack no...he was too young...I bought it strictly for me. Ok, so I did let him play with them. He did display genius qualities even back at 16 months for he took all the little figures..ripped off their heads and made a totem pole completely out of Lego heads. Damn, that thing was so cute!! And even at his age, he never once put a Lego in his mouth. Ahhh, he realized their magic powers back then as well(or how upset momma would be if even one mindless castle minion lost a limb or crossbow):)
So, they do actually have this insanely large and intricate Death Star (over 3,000 and with a video that shows how to put it together...sounds like a fun weekend) with 24 figures..seriously. Now, if I had 400$ sitting around and all the bills were paid and the credit cards too, and the pantry was overflowing...would I buy it? Hell Yes!!
And they have this new "Architectural Series" with mini replicas of the Sears Tower, Hancock Building, Empire State Building, Guggenheim and Frank Lloyd Wrights Falling Water house that are absolutely fascinating. (You can practically feel the frenzy of my obsessive excitement..can't you?...and yes, I am almost drooling)
And, please keep this a secret, I would like to collect all the Toy Story figures (only the adorable figures as the buildings are quite lame)...I mean, a miniature Bullseye that I could put on my dash or above my sink and stare at his loving little cute face all day??? C'mon
Yeah, I must admit that if it were financially possible, I would collect all of the figures and only some of the kits...Yeah, a couple hundred little guys and gals and critters littering my house, hiding in plants, fighting in the fridge, doing...hmmm god knows what under the couch, having parties on my kitchen table, staring at my as they surround my bathtub, hanging from lamps and the chandelier...yeah, I could do it. :)
Okay, so I would pick up the Death Star, all the architectural buildings and definitely, most definitely the entire castle series....Dang. A girl can dream.
So I have enjoyed the Forest Peoples (they seem like such peaceful folk), the Ice Raiders with their blue and orange were fabulous mostly for their color scheme, the Underwater submarines were a novelty, OMG, the Aliens were so Rad!! Dang, I so wish I had stocked up on those at the time...who wouldn't like their very own Real Flying Saucer with anal probing Aliens??? LMAO
I did have a number of Castle pieces with the knights, horses, and queens. OMG, they do have a couple of keychains that I Will purchase. There is a freaky looking jester in red and white who looks psychotic and a noble king with crown and peaceful, yet stern expression. If I could only get one??? You guessed it...the psychotic jester.
I did previously have a Darth Vader keychain...yeah, me and the Dark Side...we go way, way back. But his light saber kept poking me. Anyway...it seems like I might have had one other keychain that was of short duration...hmmm..keychains are the coolest..small, compact, its like carrying a little friend around in your pants...lmao...OMG, definitely goofin tonite
Anyway, I am quite all revved up over this catalog and need to take a sedative and calm down a bit. I can't remember the last time anything excited me soo...hmmm...I really can't
Life is good...Legos Rock!!!!! Be good to your mother...Word

Larry the King and I...a dream

I had a most vivid, lucid dream today...involving none other than the famous, Mr. Larry King.
Here's the setup...we are in a kitchen with a crowd of people. He is standing by the sink drinking from a shot glass. He is dressed in a bright blue shirt, trademark suspenders and tie.
I mention something about how I wish the divorce wasn't being too rough on him. He throws back the rest of the drink and gently takes my arm. He mumbles something about how it is just something he has to deal with. He doesn't seem real concerned and before I know it we are dancing.
The crowd of people quiets down to watch. I don't hear any music but we are do a smooth slow dance. I can feel his cheek against mine and I can feel his ribcage gently up against me. (Nothing at all sexual here guys)
I don't know how tall he is in real life but in the dream he was about 5' 8". And what a smooth dancer. I remember he let me lead for awhile and then he started doing a few fancier steps. He really seemed like an old pro.
As we are grooving through the kitchen, I feel his leg gently move behind mine, touching my thigh...I knew it was time for a dip. As we slowly dipped, almost touching the floor, the photographer woman had camera ready to take a pic. But Larry thought she should wait.
I thought it was quite fun and hilarious. It was a very pleasant dream. I'm not sure exactly what it all means...it was just a dream....

Clean Your Room

Oh, it sounds so simply...tell your child to go and Clean Your Room..Unfortunately, unless you get specific, very specific, your Aspie child is going to have a really rough time.
From personal experience, I sorely remember being told to clean my room. Honestly, I did not understand what that meant. Yeah, I saw some stuff on the floor and I'd pick it up or hey, I can move those clothes but for an Aspie to clean a room effectively, it must be done very differently than our neurotypical (non-Aspie) brethren.
First, be specific and break it down. Sending a kid to clean your room is confusing and such a broad, undefined phrase and will probably get you nowhere.
With my eldest I start by saying, "bring down all your dirty clothes". Ok, task 1 accomplished. Then it proceeds, one at a time, hang up your clean clothes, pick the toys off the floor, pick the papers off the floor and put them in this container, then we can actually move on to vacuuming.
One task at a time...Be Very Specific....Demonstrate if needed (as with how to use a vacuum...it took a number of demonstrations for him to feel comfortable)..and offer a little help if needed.
Oh the drama of trying to get him to pick up. I ended up breaking things down further by having him pick up only certain items like just Pokemon cards or only magazines. Now things do actually get done.
After a number of times doing this, anywhere from a couple dozen to a couple hundred, depending on the child, he/ she will be able to clean their room with very little help.
Teaching new tasks...OMG, I decided to teach my son to mow the lawn on the riding lawnmower. I did not realize that this was a whole day task. Looking back, I must laugh at My ignorance.
First off, we, my partner had to help because my patience was running thin that day...we tried for about an hour to get him to actually sit upon the machine, (Old Blue, I have named my green craftsman rider).
Next, we showed him how to turn it on and he just sat, stoic and watched.
Then we explained how to put it in first gear, steer and brake...and told him to get to mowing.
Oh what a sight...He sat on that loud, vibrating mower, arms crossed, the most evil of looks on his face and he sat and he sat refusing to move.
After about a half hour of this, I went out and explained the pattern he should go.
45 minutes later, I kid you not, I went back out and threatened him with taking away his gameboy/ DS/ whatever that little gameplayer is...and I went back inside.
10 or 15 minutes later, he decided to overcome his anxiety and actually get mowing. Boy, was he on unhappy camper. But he accomplished it!!!!
Every weekend thereafter, we asked him to mow the lawn. And every week I could see him becoming more and more comfortable until finally, he wouldn't throw a fit and would just fill the tank, start her up and take off. Whew!!
New tasks are very challenging for the Aspie, especially when they involve loud noise and unfamiliarity.
Myself, I actually didn't start using Old Blue until about 5 years after we purchased it. I had the push mower and had figured out the steps, the pattern that I needed to follow to mow the lawn and I wasn't sure about that rider. But, like my son, I overcame my anxiety and figured out all the steps and now, my partner and I fight over who gets to mow the lawn. It really is pretty darn fun to zip around the yard and try and run over squirrels!
Be specific, Demonstrate and be available for questions, support and encouragement!!!