I'm starting to realize that being comforted in times of distress, would have been a welcome change from the pushing me away whenever I made a whimper.
Clarity: I will always have had two good relationships to look back on; my marriage and friend/girlfriend unions. Most of my perplexity and damage comes from all relationships other than those two.
My mother would push me away, put me to bed or lock me in a room if I displayed any tears or screams of discomfort and pain.
Another partner, well, I think part of me realized the good times were over when I went to the ER in terrible pain, and I had to ask to get em to stand beside me, hold my hand or please, please hug me. It felt cold and forced, like a thick, heavy wall rising. I could readily feel their agitation, these invisible pulling away, recoiling at having to hold me.
Sigh, for someone with such strong need for affection, I sure picked losers in that "meet my needs" category.
I'm just realizing certain patterns and bringing them to the surface for closer scrutiny.
Maybe I have this burgeoning need for affection because I never experienced enough of it in those stark early years.
Maybe it's a gaping hole that refuses to heal and instead chooses to stay open, vacant and gaping because to close, to mend and heal would leave me vulnerable to risking a relationship again and reliving the wounds, you know the type of wounds that get busted open and you repair and mend and Bam, just when your fixed up again here comes another who will recoil at the thought of touching you and you know how much it hurt the Last Time and scar upon scar does not a healthy body make.
It's soo risky, relationships. I'd have to lose part of myself, my routines, the things that cause no pain in order to get the affection meter out of the red zone.
I can't win at somethings...
I've learned that showing discomfort and pain will lead to rejection and hurt.
It's just as easy not to showcase my feelings because then maybe they will agree to keep me around, maybe I can earn their affection...if I only knew how...to not need.
I've accepted the fact that some things were not meant to be and I'm okay with that.
I will always be autistic, seperated and behind this invisible glass wall living in a world that doesn't cause me possible pain around the corner, a stranger to startle me or ask small talk questions that stymie me and make me stutter, having to explain my tiny frustrations that devour me, no sudden bright lights or sounds of breaking glass...the Outside World is Harsh, Scary and mostly Unpredictable!
I could experience sudden intense pain (picture seeing two cars crashing directly in front of you, the loud noise, the sudden disturbing sight, the full text of the anxiety and thick fear....well, my friend, that is an example of the distress I feel when someone starts talking to me, when I get into someone else's car or office, it's what I fucking feel every single time I walk through a doorway from the known and familiar into the sensory overload of unpredictability. It's Fucking Scary Every Day, Multiple Times!!!! God, I wish I could tell you how each day is work and worry and work to try and avoid the Fucking Pain that could strike at any moment!
New sensations, sounds, sights, smells elicits fear at the possibility of pain.
Damn.
Be nice to your local Autistic, ok? You really have no idea how difficult every waking hour is.
Peace
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