Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

What does it feel like to have MPD? Multiple Personality Disorder/DID

First off, it means that a series of traumatic, abusive, horrific and overwhelming events happened to you, damaging your sense of self and splitting off various ego states along with the memories of the incidents.
These memories will slowly/quickly/ unexpectedly come back, at some point, in the form of flashbacks, in which you will find yourself reliving the trauma. Sometimes I can see, physically feel, hear sounds and words, even smell what the event was like way back when it first happened.
Often, I wake up in the morning, the middle of the night, after a nap, and have to orient myself to where I am, what city, is it day or night, what was I doing before I lay down, what is on the agenda of things needing doing, when was the last time I ate, is it time for meds? Usually not all at once, maybe 3-5 of those most times I awake.
It feels like I'm wearing my body like an ill-fitted suit. It can feel too big, awkward, clumsy or even robotic and it's movements are completely out of my control.
Sometimes I can feel my lips moving but I can't hear the words. I frequently and without any forethought refer to myself as "us" or "we". I don't consider myself a singular person, rather a group of related individuals varying in age from early childhood, toddler, preteen, teenager, young adults and adults, Littles (for those under 10; teens for, well, the teenage parts of me, aka "alters" for alternate personalities and Bigs, for anyone over 21.

When I switch/change into another personality, my vision change and colors may suddenly look very bright, dull and fuzzy, or crystal clear.
I've had numerous times where I've tried saying certain words and they sound like a child's vocabulary instead of an adults. I can suddenly start stuttering, stammering or go completely mute at any second, mostly just in therapy.
Sometimes it feels like I'm looking out through someone else's eyes.
It's not a normal daily life by any means. These are just some of the ways that I think being a multiple is different from being a singleton.
It's not bad or awful, just different.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Ame, the slave who lived in Corvallis Oregon

I stumbled across this headstone today. It really gave me pause. I searched online for more information about Ame.

For one Oregon slave, the
Civil War didn't end bondage
Ame died in 1874, more than 10 years after President Abraham Lincoln set her free. So, why does her gravestone still identify 'Ame' as a slave?
By Finn J.D. John — October 17, 2011
In a quiet little historical cemetery in the north hills of Corvallis, there’s a marble gravestone about the size of a large loaf of bread, with a simple and startling message carved upon it.
The stone reads, “AME, Slave of Mary and John Porter.”
There’s nothing more. The gravestone has none of the usual information. Ame’s dates of birth and of death are unknown. Until not too many years ago, information like that was considered unimportant.
If Ame’s date of death had been listed, though, it would have been within a year or two of 1874 — at least 10 years after the President of the United States declared her a free woman, and at least five years after the Fourteenth Amendment made slavery unconstitutional. Yet she died as she had lived, as a slave, albeit now an illegal one.
But then, she'd been an "illegal" ever since she first came to Oregon.
Born into bondage in Kentucky

Ame's grave marker in the Odd Fellows Cemetery in Corvallis, Ore.
This modest marker denotes the final resting place of a "slave" woman
named Ame, who died in the mid-1870s, more than 10 years after the
Emancipation Proclamation. The marker is considerably newer than
those of the rest of the Porter family, suggesting that the original marker
was a humbler one, possibly made of wood.
Philomath historian May Dasch told Corvallis writer Theresa Hogue that Ame was born sometime between 1808 and 1818, in Kentucky. At some point, when she was a young woman, she was sold to the Johnson and Susan Mulkey family of Missouri.
When the Mulkeys came out west on the Oregon Trail in the mid-1840s, they debated what to do about Ame. At that time, the question of whether slavery would be allowed in Oregon was still unsettled, and if it were settled with a "no," they'd lose a valuable piece of personal property. (That may sound catty to the modern ear. It's not intended that way; remember, this was well before slavery was abolished. The Mulkeys were simply products of their time.)
To play it safe, the Mulkeys decided they’d leave Ame behind with family members in Missouri — where, in any case, she had her own children to look after.
“When the start was made, Ame was not to be found,” recalled the Mulkeys’ granddaughter, Maude Cauthorn Keady, in an interview for the W.P.A. Writers Project in 1939. “Nor had she bade them goodbye. It was supposed that she was so sad or overcome with emotion that she could not watch them leave. Not so .... At the fourth camp, much to the delight of grandmother and the children, Ame appeared at the campfire, and was helping with supper when grandfather came to eat. There was nothing to do at this late hour but take her along. Her faithfulness to grandmother and the children was wonderful. She had left her own children to follow Miss Susan and the babies.”
From near to far, these markers are for John Porter, Elsie Porter, Mary Porter, the younger Mary Porter and family slave Ame.
Well, that was one interpretation. Hogue, for one, seems skeptical: “Whether it was loyalty or the fear of abandonment in a place where her only option was to become another family’s slave is impossible to tell,” she writes dryly.
And indeed, Ame had been passed around the Mulkey family quite a bit, and most people she’d stayed with didn’t like her. Perhaps she knew that if she stayed back in Missouri with her own children, she’d just be separated from them anyway and sold on the auction block, and would end up toiling in a cotton field for the rest of her (considerably shortened) life.
(Personal note: If I were making a bet, this last scenario is exactly where I'd be putting my money. It's not in the nature of human mothers to prefer other people's children over their own, and Keady's blithe assumption that Ame was an exception to this tells us something about the relationships here. The whole thing takes on the appearance of a deep personal tragedy wallpapered over with pictures of Disney princesses ... The Little Mermaid comes to mind. —fj)

Whatever the reason, Ame left her own children behind and came to Oregon with her owner’s family. Along the way, her chief tasks were keeping the oxen in line and the children out of trouble.
The outlaw slave

Upon arrival in the Oregon territory, Ame found herself an outlaw, shielded from a hostile society only by the protection of a respected white family that was, itself, breaking the law by keeping her. Black people were simply illegal in Oregon at the time — slave or free, they were legally prohibited from coming to the territory. There was even a “lash law,” according to which African-American folks were to report for a whipping once every six months until such time as they took the hint and left the area. Subtle, huh?
The “lash law” was blithely ignored in Corvallis. Ame continued serving the family, occasionally being lent out to help with neighbors’ chores. Keady said she seemed happy to be there with them — but did she really have a choice? Could she have walked away if she’d wanted to claim her freedom? Legally, she certainly could; keeping her in bondage was a crime. But as a practical matter, the community might  not have allowed her to exercise that right. And, in any case, she herself was an outlaw, guilty of “being in Oregon while black.” What kind of support could she count on? A speedy repatriation to Missouri, most likely, to be handed over once again to the Mulkey family there.
She may have made the best of it, but Ame — and all other Oregon slaves — had been dealt a losing hand.
World changes, leaving Ame behind

Time passed. Ame got older and, according to Keady, feistier — although she’d apparently been plenty feisty to start with. Young Mary Mulkey grew up and married John Porter in 1858; Ame became the newlyweds’ property.
In 1859, Oregon became the only state ever admitted to the union with a law on the books excluding black people from living within its borders. So far as we know, though, this had no effect on Ame’s status.
Nor did the outcome of the Civil War change her life. In the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863, President Lincoln himself declared her a free woman. In 1868, the Fourteenth Amendment made her continued bondage an offense against the U.S. Constitution. Still she continued to live and work as a domestic slave.
But then, by that time she was probably in her 60s, too old to go forth and start a new life in “free” society. She probably counted herself lucky that she was far enough away from Washington, D.C., to continue living as she had lived.
The gravestone

Ame’s gravestone is a good metaphor for her life. She’s buried right next to the family she served, but not among them — on the edge of the plot, closest to the path. Her loaf-shaped marker is much more modest than theirs. It was probably a little controversial to bury her in the family plot at all; after all, before the Civil War, black people were considered little more than livestock, and nobody today thinks of burying a dog in the family plot.
But perhaps that controversy is what the family intended. Perhaps the younger Porters, in this bright new world, kept Ame in violation of federal law as a favor done for an old family friend who deserved better than to be thrown away like a worn-out buggy. It’s possible — remember, the people making these decisions were the “babies” she’d taken care of when she was a young woman.
John and Mary died a year or two before Ame did, in 1870 and 1872 respectively; yet nobody else seems to have taken “ownership” of Ame after their deaths. When she followed, she was buried there next to them, with that grave marker at her head, its short and disturbing message looking up at the free Oregon sky like a distant accusation

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Empathy for Animals, the hunted and trapped, The Snowball Effect

Lying in bed last night, I was suddenly struck with empathy for the wild animals that are hunted down or ensnared only to encounter a torturous, painful death.
Call it "the Snowball Effect" as I'm sure these sudden, intense feelings stem from the recent memory of my pet rabbit, Snowball, being cruelly butchered by my father in the family basement when I was 8.
I thought of all the proudly displayed carcasses, the deer heads, racks, stuffed and taxidermied innocent animals and how, each and every one of them must have felt as the bullet hit or the trap snapped, grabbing a leg and they were stuck in catastrophic pain as they waited to starve or bleed to death. I imagined what it must be like for a deer to be quietly foraging in the forest. It's silent home turf suddenly shattered by a bullet ripping through its side, startled, jumping, sprinting away, it's life slowly ebbing away till it dies, scared and frightened.
I'm torn. I understand the need for food but I am aware of the pain the animal must experience as well.
I'm not against hunting, per se, as I am no judge or jury and I don't believe I have the right to tell anyone else what to do or not do. I'm just saying that I could never look an animal in the eyes and claim my life was worth their painful death.
And no, I'm not about to join any animal rights groups as the last thing I'd want is grotesque pictures and righteous souls proclaiming their opinion. This isn't about protesting or trying to change anyone or what they do.
I'm no longer an admirer of "trophies", dead, hunted down and killed animals hanging on walls anymore, because I can imagine their suffering. It makes me sad, the things humans do for sport and for survival.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

It's all just too much...information overload

It feels like I'm drowning in a sea of over information. Facebook is piously littered with all the miniscule wrongs from vocabulary purists, autistic overexplainations, picks aparts of every speech, quote and misspoke. People are impassioned, yes but everybody is right, no one's listening and the facts are skewed.
The Dissociative Identity Disorder/ MPD groups are assigning names to every little nuance. The politicos are broadcasting righteous indignation and belittling one another. Those who think we need to be shown photos of worldwide atrocities continue to post, thinking a picture of a dead child, wounded dog or starving family will make us change our ways and give a damn about something we are helpless to change.
It's as if it's suddenly okay to be outspoken about everything. Emotions, dare I say the cringe worthy word, are running high in both directions and nothing is changing but my ability to try and stay connected to my drama-free, simple life.
I've unfollowed at least a dozen "friends", left most of the intense groups, and have decided the only way to stay in touch is with brief, once every couple of days, checkins. It's just not worth it, this mind numbing, information overload.
The rose colored glasses are off but everyone's put on boxing gloves instead. No blinders leads to being startled, running in perpetual panic around the covered wagons circle. There are no foxholes save for the mighty power off switch.
My dear ones have forgotten my email, how to text and what a written letter is. If I didn't continue to check in periodically, I wouldn't know how my son, cousins and close friends were faring.
The good ol' days are long dead as I watch the zombies staring at their phones walking the streets blind to the rose at their side.
It's sad. It's what it is, now. And I refuse to be apart of the angst and anxiety of the new societal norm.
Time for markers and pencils, paint and small boxes, cartoons and old movies. Pop some popcorn and pass me a beer.
Let's sit and have coffee sometime.
I miss your face and seeing your lips form words that create pictures on the screen in my head. I miss the warm smell of someone breathing close to me. I want to fill the cold emptiness that has always been there, just recently acknowledged. Words on a page cannot fill me.
I'm a peace loving soul in a chaotic, drama filled world.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

International Dream Traveler

About once every few months, I have a dream that takes place in a foreign country. Last night it was Lithuania.
Previously, I have "visited" Cambridge, Yugoslavia and, a couple months ago, Vietnam.
Last night, I was visiting with an older couple and we were talking about traveling. I mentioned how much I enjoyed the Dakotas, and the woman mentioned that they had a second home there.
Next, I'm walking on a beach and noticing how everyone had to carry four, regular size, pieces of paper, side by side, enclosed in plastic as it was law. I remember thinking that they had to be laid out and not together in one stack as the papers could easily be destroyed in something spilled on them.
Next, I found my self in a Customs Help Line, a place to go with questions. As I waited, I noticed a good dozen pocket knives strewn on the, they weren't allowed in so they had to be deposited there. Worriedly, I mental checked to see if I had my Swiss Army knife in my pocket and I was hoping they wouldn't ask me to empty my pockets.
As I approached the counter, I was greeted by a uniform blue dressed, blonde man. I'm not sure what I asked him, at first. I remember whispering to him, "I'm in Lithuania, right?" He said yes. He stated that he had brochures on nightlife, for gays, and would I be interested. I said I would. He replied, oh really?
He gave me the papers and said "my wife and I wish you a good trip."
I proceeded off to the left. I must have had my destination planned, as I knew I had to take the down escalator. I was nervous passing by, so close, to the open stairway but I told myself that I'm traveling alone and there are some fears I've just got to deal with. My arms were so full, luggage, a game for my son, my purse and such. Mentally, I was trying to figure out if I could find a locker because I simply couldn't continue to carry it all. Then I figured that at my next stop I would  mail back to the states, whatever I could, especially the large, awkward board game.
I stepped onto the escalator, which had stopped and it immediately started moving. It was action activated! Cool.
I knew I had to travel down to get where I needed to go.
Off the escalator, walking down the hall, I realized I had lost my purse, my identity...go figure. I started shouting, "My purse, my purse, my purse" and I started backtracking to find myself.
Wake up.
Dreams often mirror waking life, don't they?

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Who I am

Living With Multiple Personality Disorder

I walk...

Just Sad, Living with the memories

I don't know. Just couldn't motive today. Zero energy and ambition. I wonder if I'm continuing to process that big bad memory from 10 days ago. A memory that I can never fully share because of its hideous and grotesque nature. The memory Is mine now, not hidden away in some garbage filled back alley protected by a dozen fences of various strengths and materials.
It's not's just one in a long series of traumatic memories that I have to figure out how to cohabitate with until the day I die.
It's...difficult to image how a body/mind/spirit can live so overridden with wounds both seen and unseen, known and unknown.
The memory of the rabbit Snowball will always be with me, to some degree. I hear the grief will somehow, slowly abate...but part of me will always know..and remember..and be sad. And this is Just one of my horrendous will I deal with and survive even one more...or a dozen?
It seems overwhelming, unfathomable.
How can I process out and find some relief? Is there any relief?
It's like I'm living with a stranger that has always been in my house but previously unknown. I don't know what to do with it.
It feels like I'm juggling three balls, yes it happened, yes I was there and it truly was real. And I'm just tossing these balls around, not holding onto any one for more than a few seconds cause I Don't Want To but I can't throw the balls away. Can't smash them against the wall because the wall has melted away.
Ownership...maybe this is all that I was given. A bag full of grenades whereby each one needs to blow up in my face in order to see who I really am and what events have turned me into this shape...and remind me that I ferl, don't feel and react certain ways because of these...horrid things.
Is that all I am is a series of hidden horrible incidents? That I can't or can barely look at, much less show to others.
Always partially hidden behind the curtain...never able to say all that I am.
I do feel great grief for Snowball. Inside, it's like he's lying in state and people are filing by, becoming aware...the spreading grief, bubble burst and water everywhere.
If an incident like that...took place...was readily and easily perpetrated...I'm scared for what else happened, you know?
The Snowball death was the first full, complete trauma memory fully processed out and I don't know how to carry on with the day or how to live with this knowledge. I'm lost. And I feel very much alone.
Grief and sadness

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Psychological Abuse, the healing continues

Therapy today, thank you God. I continue to grieve the torturous death of my pet rabbit and how my father forced me to participate. The body memories of the incident resided in my hands where I felt the fur, the holding down of Snowball as my dad butchered him. I know Snowball is in heaven, free of pain and put back together again.
I'm still in a physical and emotional state of exhaustion, release a 45 year old emotional cyst will do that to you. I'm always tired, my body is heavy and my emotional facilities are sluggish. I have no ambition or energy to spare so I'm getting by with performing the barest of necessities, notably caring for my son and puppy. When he's at school, I'm in bed. I sleep heavy and am grateful for no nightmares.
It's like I'm wrestling in my head, seeing the incident, feeling the helplessness, allowing myself to feel the anguish, tearful flows of grief, just trying to be okay with what happened. That's a huge memory to deal with. I can't predict how many days I'll be down but I understand the whole "lying low" & taking care of myself aspect. I'm not denying or hiding what occurred and the intense feelings that went along with it.
There was a damn good reason I never mentioned this or the sexual abuse, the incest...if my dad could, with a smile on his face and casual attitude, torture a living animal, he could surely do it to me or those I loved.
Time to sleep. Healing is truly exhausting.
Take care

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The raging war, only soldiers can understand

Some days Agoraphobia is the best Mother

It doesn't feel safe to drive

Yesterday, I had the near miss with the bicyclist who flipped me off. I'm apprehensive while driving by cyclists these days. I take extra precautions at each corner and turn. Constantly anxious.
Today, well, I was turning left downtown and immediately to my right were two fire trucks surrounding an unconscious, injured or dead body lying spread eagle, face up in the middle of the street. I saw his jacket and lower body completely unmoving. It was clear the fire trucks had just arrived but no one was rushing to his aid. The rescue personnel were just kinda standing and looking.
I was shocked, hurt, devastated. What had happened? Was he alive or dead?
I'd never seen a body lying in a street like that. Big city life is losing its allure.
What if I'm driving and come across a body lying in the road, in front of me? What if I can't change lanes, don't see it or can't stop quick enough.
I'm afraid to get behind the wheel, to be completely honest.
An unexpected, traumatic, sad sight today making me rethink things and feeding my persistently running fears.
I just want to stay home. We needed groceries which was the only reason I was out. I know there are places I must drive to but I Don't Want To. Streets are no longer safe. My world is shaking...and so am I.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I know why I'm in almost a constant state of terror

Last week, when I finally released the 45 year old memory of my dad torturing my bunny, I ripped off the heavy duty, steel tipped bandaid that had been holding in all the unspoken, unexpressed terror of that incident into my waking, walking life. Since then, I have been not so subtly releasing all the deep seated fear and terror that I had surpressed. That is why I am awash in tears and terror.
I guess it is some kind of healing crisis, progress to free myself from such intense emotion. It doesn't feel good but I understand it now.
At some point the tears and fears will have completely drained and I'm sure to experience life in a majorly different fashion .
I feel like shit, wasted, messed up but I think I'm going to be okay.

What an Autistic Meltdown Feels Like..What is it?

Having recently been submerged in the tornadic autistic shutdown, I'd like to offer a description of how it feels...
It starts off as small waves of anxiety, building layer by layer with fear, uncertainty and thinly veiled, indescribable emotions. I can feel it building like watching a pot of water starting to boil.
There is no break, no respite, as the waves start building faster, faster, more furious until they reach a monster wave that hangs frozen in the air above me. I start to melt. Water droplets begin falling from my eyes at sporadic times, often gushing with a thought, a word, an action. The wave simply hangs until I can find someone to talk to, vent with, someone that can hear me and understanding my sobbing, garbled, gesture ridden words.
As I describe the feelings inside, the torrent of twisted thought and emotion, the tsunami comes crashing down, violent at first then abating into medium, then smaller, more manageable waves.
I'm a wash, feeling wasted, trashed, exhausted and crashed. The big wave dissipates; the pot over boiling with water and steam abates, dies down and I am left stranded on a desolate beach, thoroughly exhausted, sand in my ears, nose, everywhere.
I am alone and the sky is cloudy; the waters have calmed and I cry.

What it feels like to switch, MPD/DID

This past week, aka, known as one of the worst weeks of my life, I've become aware of when I switch.
In therapy last week, as I recounted a tale, I switched twice. The first time, it's like my vision changed, everything became clearer and I could feel my lips moving but I couldn't hear any words, then after a few minutes I was back.
The second time, the first thing I noticed was that my voice changed to someone younger who spoke much differently than I. Can't recall what exactly was said, but I know the verbage was that of a child.
Today, I saw the crisis counselor. Again, I noticed that my vision changed and my head position changed. I lost the ability to maintain eye contact. Since this counselor was new to us, yet very friendly, nice and welcoming, I pulled the speaker back in as it wasn't ideal or truly safe to fully switch in front of her.
This awareness is all new to me. Kinda interesting. Just sayin'

Monday, April 3, 2017

The worst day EvEr

Everything went wrong today from the moment I got out of bed after a restless 5 hour sleep.
Last night, I had applied a new flea medicine to my puppy called ZoGuard. As soon as I was alert, all I could smell was syrup throughout the apartment. I wrongly accused my son of drinking syrup in bed. In my defense, he confided in me last week that he took gulps of syrup in the mornings before school. Seriously, I told him to stop and am concerned his "no cavity" record was in jeopardy.
Anyway, the smell was everywhere but most notably on puppy. I goggled "dog smells like syrup" and it kept leading me to diabetes in dogs. Nope. Then I searched Zoguard and no odd smells, just that it didn't work. It dawned on me that it was the new medicine as my eyes hurt and the smell was making me nauseous.
Springing into action, my son and I bathed and bathed the poor pup until the odor was gone. Then all of the contaminated bedding, three separate areas, puppy bed, son's and my bedding and jammies, all had to be washed in hot water 2 or 3 times until clean. Four loads of laundry, all done.
Okay, then I started feeling a different kind of feel after eating a "gluten free" pizza. It, too, had gotten contaminated and the weirdy symptoms of gluten ingestion hit me, hard. I get dizzy, my chest burns and I feel weak and loopy. That didn't bother me too much. Then my arms, from fingertips to elbows and, to a lesser degree, my legs from knee to foot started going numb, not pins and needles from sitting funny or applied pressure, but for no, currently explainable reason.
My chest felt really funny and my heart was pounding. I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. So I made my first trip to the local hospital where I had never been before.
I was scared, alone in a very large, city hospital. I kept asking for directions and was ushered in to a huge emergency room. The nurse was great and talked to me like I was a kid, then, as I listened to what was happening in the adjoining rooms, I realized that's just how these ER nurses talk, slow and low. Okay, I stopped feeling like I looked stupid.
Long story shortened, it turns out that my recent foray into my love of painting had exacerbated my cervical spinal stenosis and was cause my extremities to go numb from the inflammation and use of my arms. It's really a scary symptom and I'll need to see my doctor to get treatment, probably acupuncture, chiropractic care, more x-rays, better medication and maybe physical therapy again. Oh boy...
I'd never been in a big city ER, and I saw and heard traumatic stuff. A guy screaming in pain, fighting the nurses, doctor saying "I'm holding it here so You Don't Bleed Out", omg, omg, omg. The terrible shrieks of pain from this poor soul. Yep, traumatized in the ER, fer sure. Did I mention how frightened I was being in a new place? A new place where I didn't know a soul and didn't know where the exit was or what was happening to me next?
The nurses, all very nice, had something unfamiliar that I hadn't experienced in my small town life...they had a certain professional distance to them, a detachment because that's needed for them to do their job effectively. I realized that I really didn't need to say much and stopped worrying about making small talk.
After screaming guy was rolled off to surgery, the room was shortly filled with a crying baby. Omg, omg, omg, that was almost worse than the previous tenant. It's triggering for me, to be sure.
I wanted out and fast but I found some patience and waited it out. After laying there for a couple hours, my doctor finally returned with the good news. Zero heart problems but big time spine issues along with either a virus or acid reflux. It seems every couple of years, my stomach goes nuts, gets painful and I struggle with appetite and good digestion. This is one of those times.
Finally, I was discharged and made my way to the pharmacy on the way home. I tried calling my son, but the home phone wasn't working, thus I rushed as safely as possible.
The new meds seem to be okay. I have a couple more refills to get tomorrow. I'd like to stop by the health department to see if my nurse is on duty. See, when they put the iv in, it ran everywhere and when they took it out, again, a bloody mess. I'm afraid to take the bandage off. My nurse is wonderful and understanding. I'm hoping she has a couple of minutes to help me. I feel a little bit stupid but I've spent every hour of today frightened. And I'm not afraid to ask for help from nurse because she's nice and has always been helpful and kind. Plus, I need to set up a doctor's appointment to get my neck taken care of.
It's been a truly terrible, scary day. Everything seemed to go wrong in very big ways.
I can sleep in, if I can sleep but I have another big appointment at another new place. I'm trying my best, I really am. It's just harder at times these days. I've really been sick for two whole weeks, first the cold, then infected tonsil and now this.
I'm broken, I'm stressed, I get that....but the trauma dramas are free to stop now.
I'm bummed it's a few more days till therapy. Therapist seems like one big effective bandage these days...just too many days between appointments.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, lighter and smoother. A girl can hope, right?

Friday, March 31, 2017

God, I love a good drunk

The question isn't why I'm drunk once a month, Lord knows I thoroughly deserve a chance to escape my hellish, traumatic memory filled life...the question is why aren't I this wasted every fucking day, now isn't it.
It feels so good like plastered poseys and pink filled rooms with Nothing on the walls or sticking to my skin.
I've always felt the distance between me and you. I've always found your life pretty and highly petty, and now you know why...ha, at least fractionally.
I've been so fucked over. I don't drown in pity, rather I grab the only cup I've been given, you know, the tiny blue one with half broke handle and I'm baling in, perpetually baling, my arms so tired and worn, it's a fucking miracle or mistake, that they haven't fallen off.
Omg, I met a beautiful woman today. Startlingly in that she looks at me with eyes of delight and welcome and let me get to know you better. We exchanged numbers, She Asked to exchange numbers, I'm so happy, it's all I've ever wanted...someone happy to see me..who lights up when I walk in the room...who smiles at me a deep, genuine smile of sparkling happiness.
And I'm crying again...I don't know, I guess it's at the fact that the simplest of things, the look of welcome is so foreign to me and it shouldn't shouldn't be..I've always deserved someone to appreciate me for who I am...not for what I could do for them or how low they could make me bend.
My moment away from the injuries seems to have passed. Time for another round.
I love finding that sweet spot between leaving reality into a pleasant drunk and the insidious spinning of the room. a pretty awesome person. How I survived that, even just that one incident, is beyond scope of comprehension...really, seriously..for sure now.
I do have one friend now which rocks my world in the most pleasing of ways, like the idle cradle with screaming baby rocks, smooths and coos. Now, the door is open to find a kindred, kind woman soul to sooth my empty, aching heart. I've been alone for many, many, many years. I know she is out may very well be the sweetheart of today.
I find women beautiful so easily. I cannot say the same of men as I have only known a couple worthy of my kiss and time.
Oh, I know a beautiful man but he lives too far away...more than a friend but less than a twosome. What a refreshing delight was he, restoring my faith in me and mankind. Forever friends in a positive way.
I do not hate men, I simply find most unattractive. Give me a good woman who is kind, with sparkling eyes, swaying hips and tender lips filled with kind words anyday. Haha hahaha
As if I needed drink to be any more honest than my everyday self. I will never understand deceit and the lowly sense of self that causes people to lie and deceive not only others but themselves. How sad and full of hurt and loneliness they must be. All well and good but stay far away from me as I've found my 10 foot pole and have figured out how to use it.
God, this is fun.
I simple must go and enjoy the brevity of this simple, feel good fleeting mood.
Be well my friends. Be very well!!!!!!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Forgive my deep depression

Today, for almost an hour and a half...I recited the most disturbing series of flashback memories within my system.
They consisted of the very clear, extremely painful frames of the incident in which my dad forced me to help skin alive, torture and butcher my first pet rabbit. It was excruciating like pulling a pin from a grenade and smothering it within my chest.
Startling was the clarity of the images, the ease with which I heard my father's nonchalant voice and the feel of things that were done.
No, I'm not like you. Yes, I've been seriously damaged and horrendously scarred.
At the end of session, my clothes were close to soaked with tears. I heard my therapist cry and choke back tears, swiping handfuls of tissue and responding to my queries with thinly veiled, sobbing answers.
Everything has changed.
The memory that has haunted me since I was a girl of eight, wrapped like a constricting thick chain strung round my chest, no longer consumes me from the inside out.
The air between therapist and me, likewise, has changed. As she is the first and only human to hear of this most violent experience, there is some type of bond, I guess, for lack of better word. She bared witness to a deep, dark, lurking, blood soaked and horrendous incident. No one else has ever done that. The very air and energy in the therapy room changed and we were no longer strangers both doing their job well.
The hours that have passed...the processing...has brought much to bear. Mostly, I'm deeply saddened, my heart filled with grief.
After the incident, in the middle of the night, laying awake, stunned and heartily traumatized, I dressed for school in the morning having to behave as if nothing had happened. Having to look surprised as my brother ran in stating Snowballs cage was open and he was gone. And I walked to school pretending, stoic.
I don't know how I lived..through the event, through the next day, through seeing white rabbits, all with the memory solidly embedded, in its entirety, within my chest. I was 8 yrs old for God's sake.
And I weep for the child me that had to hold Snowball down, that had to use the knives thrust into my hands, that saw and readily felt Snowball's fear and pain. No, I'm not okay and I don't expect to be...for awhile.
There are a handful of egregious events that thoroughly impacted me...this is one.
Poor, innocent Snowball.
Poor, innocent me.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

UGLY People

Ugly, to me, is not a physical body thingy. The only ugly people I have known have earned the title through repulsive, hurtful acts. And I know of them. And I lived with them. And I am repulsed by their ugly spirit, meanness, and selfish, righteous indignation.
Cruelty is only committed by the ugly. You can't see them, for their acts define them not their physical nature. Ugliness is hidden well.
Observe closely those you wish to fall in love with, as their inner nature peeks out in little bits, small slights, arrogant attitudes and their disrespect for their fellow human. They may live cats and dogs, even giving to charity but it is all a ruse to trap and ensnare.
Many ugly people walk around in pretty disguise. Be ware....always beware.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Sleep from the insomniac, Curing Insomnia the Natural Way

From my inner musings, insomnia seems to stem from one of three things: physical illness, childhood abuse or the agile, ever-thinking mind.
Sleep is a trust that the night will relinquish you in the morn and you will rise again.
It is faith and belief that you have done the best you could with the day...and allow it to rest without mulling or regret.
Sleep is a peace within that says "the future will play out as it should."
Sleep is the understanding that the beings, the monsters that nightly assaulted in our youth, are dead and gone.
It is the knowledge that dreams and nightmares will not linger once the day breaks.
Sleep is about being pain and anxiety free, and feeling safe.
It's allowing oneself the chance to be at peace for a few hours, knowing you will be able to conquer the next day.

Yearning for that Unknown

Being Lonely

Dawn is barely cracking

as the sky sheds it's darkness for a lighter hue. The portal of words has sprung wide open filling the anteroom. Pictures once on the wall, pages of memory maps, the layout of the childhood stomping grounds have fluttered off the wall and parade around my if I could have forgotten the way of the walk to school and back. The names of the streets, colors and shapes of the houses; postage stamp yards; length of each section of sidewalk piece.
Sleep is the first innate gift to go, forever, when the body, the mind, the soul, is shattered with the rapist living in the bedroom next to you. For sleep is trust; trust that the body is safe and will remain unharmed in unconscious bliss of faraway dreams. Vigilance is ears on stilts searching, waiting, constant scanning for the sound, dare it draw near and high alert, blaring alarms signal the coming of the assault, the inaudible screams and the searing pain.
It burns as if a lighted match were thrust inside and cooling, silent tears quench, become the focus, trying to forget, make foggy.
Triggers are the sounds of zippers, the sliding of the elastic, the lifting of the flimsy cotton veil that protects nothing but a small sense of self.
There is nothing but the want of emptiness. A singular room, a bed to oneself, the breathing of but one, skin untouched, a nightgown that isn't removed, no fear of footsteps and a peace reserved for those unmolested.
The refreshing delight of sleep undisturbed was a gift meant for others not me.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Week of Disappointment

The sky was falling. It was a week of high hopes dashed against the rocks in sudden squalls. Throwing eggs at the hens. Holding my breath as waves crashed in spurts. Oft staying in bed is the best way to deal with the days, when they roll, one after the other, like this.
Sure, there was some good news. My car checked out okay at the garage. I heard from Eldest after four months. I shall refer to him as Rogue 1 from this point on, as the title seems most fitting. Not rogue as in bad, but rogue as in "off on his own." Nothing negative intended by the change in moniker.
My puppy ended up at the vet with a corneal abrasion. It's been pretty tough to put her in the cone to keep her from scratching. This is the first time I've ever used a dog cone and it's a helpless and frustrating feeling to see puppy with this strange thingy wrapped around her neck. It's scary for her and painful. The vet did give her pain pills which has allowed her to remain calm and sleep much, escaping her waking misery.
I've noticed the similarities in puppy's situation and my own. Since she has been injured, life has stopped for her. Her every waking moment revolves around healing from her injury. Nothing is as it was, for her. She's not normal, not able to play and do what she wants...she waits to heal. Her entire day is spent healing. Her life is altered, a pinpoint focus, right now. I get that. There isn't anything about my waking life that is average, playful, carefree or about doing what I want to do.
I'm wounded...damaged, seriously impacted by what's been criminally, viciously done to me. I live each day just healing. I've been wondering how much of my damage can even be healed or...maybe I should just accept this limping, bleeding half life.
Another note..
Since becoming aware of the egregious malfeasance inflicted upon me, in my last relationship due to my naive and gullible nature, I'm hesitate to enter into any type of intimate relationship, as I fear I am nothing but bait and a target whereby someone will come along, play nice, and misuse me as before. It's hard to have an ounce of trust when you've been quietly pounded into submission and nonexistence day after day after day after year after year after year. Yeah, still feeling pretty trashed and beaten.
Therapy is going okay. It's nice to have one hour a week in which someone gives a shit and isn't trying to trick or use me.
So the week is done. Good riddance.
Hopes run on a significantly lower level, when they run at all.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Painting is Intimate

Bittern is a painting I'm most enamored with...
I'm proud of..
Painting gives form to the non-verbal feelings that can't be expressed in the traditional way...
It's like getting a rare glimpse into the inner workings of someone else's world..
It's an outward sharing..
It's reaching out and saying "this Is who I am"...
Intimacy so deep...
I marvel at Bittern...Bittern- a small secretive bird in the heron family.

Bittern, a brand new style of Painting

This is the first time I've felt compelled to paint exclusively with my fingertips, of both hands.
I really like this A Lot!!!!

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Heartbreaking...I get it now. Therapy today

So when my therapist said, "What happened to you as a child was heartbreaking" has context. I argued with her, at the time, that I didn't understand what she meant. Now, after today's session, I realize a number of things.
One, in recounting my story of an important intimate object that was taken from me when I was a teen, I stated, "Now That was heartbreaking" as well as the last time I ever felt the feeling sensation of love.
Two, love is a choice and back then I decided that I would never feel such heartbreak again. I chose not to feel it.
Three, Neo therapist said people feel love often on a daily basis. I was in disbelief. The look on her face was almost grave and noticeably sad. I think it's not something she's exposed to often, people like me that won't feel it. Plus, I believe she has a much better understanding of the emotional state I've been existing in.
Four, I believe that Neo genuinely wants to help us with no strings attached. She is "The One".
I need to that I have the tool of awareness and knowledge..if I'm willing to take the risk again and feel love.
Daunting...maybe most would jump at the chance. When I hurt, I hurt deeply. I know that everything, everyone will eventually leave me and I'll be hurt again.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Sunday, March 12, 2017

One Wound Painting

It's scary to paint, or to start one anyway. I'm always afraid I'll mess it up. If I learn to just trust myself, following the inner paint by numbers, I do okay.
Words embedded: she was always one wound, one breath away from death.
She was so broken she forgot how to bleed.

Healing from the Past

Saturday, March 11, 2017

The thing I've wanted most

It's weird because it's so simple, elementary. Maybe I feel foolish saying something most people take for granted.
What I've forever searched for is someone to talk to. I have so much to say. I want to be heard, listened to, valued and respected. I just want someone I can easily talk to about anything, everything, all the dark as well as the light. Maybe even more than love...I wish for someone to talk to.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Love in Dreams

I can't feel love in everyday life. The only time I've ever felt it has been in dreams. Dreams where someone is deeply, honestly in love with me. I know what it feels like and that I'm capable of feeling's just never been safe.
In my dreams, my love is always a somewhat abstract stranger, sometimes male, sometimes female. Gender doesn't seem to matter, the same as in my waking life.
I'm grateful to have not been able to feel it these past, I take that back as I was with someone who was completely unable, incapable of giving any because they were empty. So maybe it is entirely possible that I will feel love in a relationship if it's with the right person.
I'm still pretty bitter and enraged at the previous cruelty. It's left quite a wound but I'm no stranger to oozing blood now, am I?
It's time to make better choices. I continue to see one woman and have a new one to meet this coming week. Looking for friends and kindred souls. I enjoy dating these days.

She just gave up, When your mother doesn't love you

Stopped trying
Realized it was hopeless that after years, decades really, without a sound, healthy love that it was improbable and not worth the wait, the worry, the wondering and wandering
She chose to be alone because it was the least painful option and one that she could handily realize
When your mother can't bring herself to love you, you know life is going to be pretty depressing and fucked
She wasn't wanted, after she was born, anyway and she felt it in their hands and saw it in their eyes, immediate reject, the parental love bond contract torn apart and set afire before her tiny, tear stained eyes.
Navigation, stability, safety, trust would quickly become rich foreign lands that she would never be allowed to visit.
I see a stray dog and I try and help it. I take her home, feed her, love her, search for her home.
When I'm the stray dog, I'm allowed to sleep near the garage, eat the scraps on the floor and chained to the electric fence, forever.
I'm not like you, her
Smart enough to see how fucked up this is. Dumb enough to throw up my hands and give up, at regular intervals.
I knew life wasn't fair....I just didn't know it harbored so many wounded who enjoyed abusing others. Too many bad guys. Too few caring and kind.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Her Heart

Had grown empty, sorrowful, wanting and hid away. From fertile field to fallow, no man's land. The easiest way to trick, turn and manipulate was the love sickly promise.
Everyone should be born with someone to catch them. To hold, cradle, nurture and adore. When that seemingly natural mission is lacking...well, the world becomes an unwelcoming, shaky and shifting place with no viable sense of stability. It's akin to a chop block where your legs get knocked out from under you as you helpless claw at the floor unable to stand, find footing or a hand to help you up.
I repeated my childhood patterns and chose a partner who was cold, distant, unemotional, unavailable, narcissistic, vile and disgusting, exactly the way the mother was. Funny, the ex even had the nickname Mother but for reasons of shame? embarrassment? Never told me that this was her nickname every single day that she went to work. Even denied it to my face with cold, dead eyes. A true lier as was my other mother.
It's no coincidence that patterns repeat until we learn from them.
I'm tired. This battle rages on with little respite. Having to defend myself from the selfish, disgusting one who misses the reins of control she once had over me. I pity those who fail to see the needless hurt they cause others. It's like running over a cat, over and over and over and not realizing what you are doing. Then one day you wake up...and see the mess, the pain and distress you caused....
I don't just seems so odd, bizarre and inhumane that people consciously hurt and injure others.
I will never understand. ..but I'm learning what evil looks like so I can avoid it's unpleasant effects yet again .

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

In the dark of the night

She realized
She had become
The Crack between floor boards,
Whiskey sour dripping
Quietly flooding
And Graves of the undead...
She had become
The dirty grooved floor,
No mat could cover
The stains
Each day
Stain upon stain
Layered so tightly
No webs could penetrate
She was the dust
The ash from the cigarette
The gum affixed bottom of shoe
Upon the soul
Stuck, hardened
Unable to move
To free herself
Praying for planes
Carrying bombs
To destroy or to free
Didn't matter
Which switch was pulled
As long as it ended,
The situation, the trap
Somehow unstrung,
Throat tightening
Partner knotting the noose
In secret, in silence
With great stealth
Known only to a few
Highly trained
Night after night
Knot after knot
Till she forgot
What it was like
To actual breath
Without rope or poisoned words
She lay on the floor
Gravel, grovel
Turned to nothing
By so "great" & "noble"
Of "love"
Just lies
To buy
The story told
She was bought and
Completely sold
Slave master
Dream dyer
Soul killer
Lying thief
No remorse
Never a kindness
For anyone other
Then her own
Pitiful self
Languishing in the limbo
Of perpetually feeling
Inflicting her wrath
Onto anyone she could lure near.
No respect. No more kindness.
Do not reward evil and cruelty
Or barter with such a troll.
Distance is my greatest friend
Hindsight shows me great truth
I live
I learn
I will not make such a tragic mistake

Short Pithy Poetry

I'd actually never heard the term, or so I thought. I'd been into small, weirdy poems lately and thought I'd post. I basically look at one of my photos and wait for the words.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Iron Maven poetry

More cruelty then I imagined

Maybe it's time to give up, as the wolves at the door outnumber the innocent fools. I never knew the odds were this much stacked against me. I never thought of myself as prey everytime I stepped out the door but clearly that is what I am.
The criminals never seem to pay as they have no heart or soul, so they continue with their abuses feeding on the innocent women and children.
It's a war that cannot be won once engaged but is best avoided by taking the long route around.
I've avoided one rabid animal by getting miles away. My son's therapist fully agreed that miles matter and probably saved him from turning into a pathological liar and narcissist as she is. Each person I speak of her acts with, shake their heads in disbelief at her lies and malfeasance. It's hard to believe I suffered that much, for that long.
Disbelief reins. Her antics so beyond my comprehension. She's like a rabid dog that constantly has to be monitored from a distance lest she throw herself into the high voltage fence and fry in her own crimes. Heaven forbid.
I don't know what I've ever done to deserve such cruelty. It isn't worth it anymore. There are no answers, just more monsters laying in wait.

The Narcissist Is Pure Evil

I'm done with the monsters