I am currently in an Aggravated Egregious Dissociative State or AEDS, as I like to call it. I haven't had an episode such as this in many years.
It basically began as I was in the middle of the painting pictured. Slowly, over the past couple of weeks, more and more flashbacks, body memories, audio memories and awareness of this highly traumatic incident has surfaced. This memory is in my top 3 as most intense and disturbing. There were many, many alters involved so this is classified as a Highly Intense and Complex event memory.
So, what does an AEDS feel like? You'd probably recognize it as the "all Hell's broken loose" feeling.
For me, it feels like this:
Highly dissociative- very spacey, disoriented as to time and space, unable to focus and feel my body, headachy at times.
I see and hear and feel things from the past, in my present, at any time.
It's so miserable and uncomfortable, like being in a congested, crowded, stifling room and you can't see your feet or find a way out.
Late Saturday I was able to find a handheld. In my haze I heard one small phrase from a cd I've been listening to all month. I turned on my cd player, located the song (I couldn't remember the title, just the one little snippet.) And I started playing that song, put my player on repeat so that it would continuously play.
There was my lifeline, my connection back to reality. As I listened to the words, the rhythm and started singing along, I merged back into a semi-solid reality. The song has been playing my every waking moment. That must be hundreds, if not hundreds and hundreds of times.
Now, I wait for therapy. That's all. I put all my effort into just taking care of my pup and getting myself fed. One reason this memory, along with the others, has been allowed to surface is because we have a regular therapist. Our controller, kindof higher consciousness, knows that memories have a place to be processed. Less energy goes into keeping memories submerged and locked up. Granted, it's highly unpleasant but this is my brain and my body working to heal.
I don't just have a dissociative disorder, I have a severe dissociative disorder. I'm not kidding. While there are others like me, there's a small percentage in the top tier. That's me. That's us. Repetative, frequent, multi-perpetrator, heinous, sadistic abuses.
Whilst each and every day is challenging, I'm grateful that few are as bad as this current spell.
It's funny...a multiple in and of her/his self is more than a handful. Add in Autism and you get full blown bonkers with added repetative, erratic physical tics and movements, enhanced verbal difficulties and a whole host of symptoms that can't easily be distinguishable as to whether or not this is autistic, memory related or due to a specific alter personality.
I'm kinda thrilled that I've become coherent enough to write about such a bizarre and unique phenomenon. Just being able to find words to describe this chaos is so remarkable.
I haven't left the house except to take the dog out And this morning I drove to get coffee. I had to check myself at the door to make sure i could drive. I'd been in the house so long that i wanted to get coffee and drive to a nearby park to just get out and take some pictures. After i picked up the drink, i checked in with my "people on the inside", my alters, to see if they were okay to go to the park.
Nope. Everyone wanted to go home. It was like being in a car full of kids, not like siblings or friends but like scared, crying, hungry, miserable kids. I asked if they wanted ice cream as it's Sunday and the one day we usually have an ice cream sundae.
Nope. Then, I'm not sure which one of them, saw the Burger King sign and said "we want fries!!!!" Then others chimed in. We have a small order of fries about once every three or four months, no one had had breakfast yet, I had the money and it would buy me some temporary happiness, so I pulled into BK and bought a fry.
Happy to be home. Everyone is feeling much better since we are home, safe in familiar territory.
I've been managing to paint a little. A few dishes have gotten done and I'm feeling just okay in the subdued chaos. It's like sitting in a small liferaft as the seas churn, lightning bursts and hail pummels. It's ok. Therapy is only days away and I have my raft.
It basically began as I was in the middle of the painting pictured. Slowly, over the past couple of weeks, more and more flashbacks, body memories, audio memories and awareness of this highly traumatic incident has surfaced. This memory is in my top 3 as most intense and disturbing. There were many, many alters involved so this is classified as a Highly Intense and Complex event memory.
So, what does an AEDS feel like? You'd probably recognize it as the "all Hell's broken loose" feeling.
For me, it feels like this:
Highly dissociative- very spacey, disoriented as to time and space, unable to focus and feel my body, headachy at times.
I see and hear and feel things from the past, in my present, at any time.
It's so miserable and uncomfortable, like being in a congested, crowded, stifling room and you can't see your feet or find a way out.
Late Saturday I was able to find a handheld. In my haze I heard one small phrase from a cd I've been listening to all month. I turned on my cd player, located the song (I couldn't remember the title, just the one little snippet.) And I started playing that song, put my player on repeat so that it would continuously play.
There was my lifeline, my connection back to reality. As I listened to the words, the rhythm and started singing along, I merged back into a semi-solid reality. The song has been playing my every waking moment. That must be hundreds, if not hundreds and hundreds of times.
Now, I wait for therapy. That's all. I put all my effort into just taking care of my pup and getting myself fed. One reason this memory, along with the others, has been allowed to surface is because we have a regular therapist. Our controller, kindof higher consciousness, knows that memories have a place to be processed. Less energy goes into keeping memories submerged and locked up. Granted, it's highly unpleasant but this is my brain and my body working to heal.
I don't just have a dissociative disorder, I have a severe dissociative disorder. I'm not kidding. While there are others like me, there's a small percentage in the top tier. That's me. That's us. Repetative, frequent, multi-perpetrator, heinous, sadistic abuses.
Whilst each and every day is challenging, I'm grateful that few are as bad as this current spell.
It's funny...a multiple in and of her/his self is more than a handful. Add in Autism and you get full blown bonkers with added repetative, erratic physical tics and movements, enhanced verbal difficulties and a whole host of symptoms that can't easily be distinguishable as to whether or not this is autistic, memory related or due to a specific alter personality.
I'm kinda thrilled that I've become coherent enough to write about such a bizarre and unique phenomenon. Just being able to find words to describe this chaos is so remarkable.
I haven't left the house except to take the dog out And this morning I drove to get coffee. I had to check myself at the door to make sure i could drive. I'd been in the house so long that i wanted to get coffee and drive to a nearby park to just get out and take some pictures. After i picked up the drink, i checked in with my "people on the inside", my alters, to see if they were okay to go to the park.
Nope. Everyone wanted to go home. It was like being in a car full of kids, not like siblings or friends but like scared, crying, hungry, miserable kids. I asked if they wanted ice cream as it's Sunday and the one day we usually have an ice cream sundae.
Nope. Then, I'm not sure which one of them, saw the Burger King sign and said "we want fries!!!!" Then others chimed in. We have a small order of fries about once every three or four months, no one had had breakfast yet, I had the money and it would buy me some temporary happiness, so I pulled into BK and bought a fry.
Happy to be home. Everyone is feeling much better since we are home, safe in familiar territory.
I've been managing to paint a little. A few dishes have gotten done and I'm feeling just okay in the subdued chaos. It's like sitting in a small liferaft as the seas churn, lightning bursts and hail pummels. It's ok. Therapy is only days away and I have my raft.
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