I'd been seeing my therapist for 2 years, roughly 80 visits or so. She's changed the office around a bit, brought in a couple new plants, changed out one of the chairs (this did cause some distress) and even brought in a portable air purifier. No big deal. Each time she did change something I jokingly would say, "just trying to mess with the Autistic, aren't you?"
Maybe she thought I was joking. I was trying to forwarn her not to make any big unnecessary changes.
Today I walked in, sat down and noticed that the shade, which for 80 visits had always been completely closed, was open about 7 inches.
All these thoughts ran through my mind in a few seconds:
Oh, this is different.
I like this. I can see outside.
It makes it brighter in here.
Why didn't we do this sooner?
Lol, then a human walked by on the sidewalk. Then I noticed the nearby office window and realized the secretary was in my line of sight.
I flipped.
Jumped off my seat, started yammering, hid where the window couldn't see me and waited for my therapist to enter.
I was sputtering, "fix the window, fix the window, fix the window!" (I'm known for repeating certain, important or puzzling things x3.)
Therapist promptly went to the window and adjusted it back to normal.
The switch had been flipped. I was upset, crying, alternating between sitting, pacing and rocking, flapping arms, hands and fingers. I was full blown meltdown.
The agenda for my therapy session was completely overridden. I had taken hours to organize, list and line up the items that I wanted to discuss. Hours. I get one hour a week to vent, analysis and share so I'm careful to prioritize and list items in sequence of importance. And in an instant, in one unpredictable moment, when something small changed, all my work was gone.
I felt the futility as my hands flapped. I knew, once melting like this, that the entire session was as good as down. Nothing productive was going to take place. Not one of the items on my list. My insurance would pay for a lost, useless session and whatever was on my agenda was thrown to the backburner.
My therapist asked if there was anything she could do but experience has taught me there is nothing anyone can do. I needed to get away from the surprise, the shade, that room. I needed to get somewhere safe where I could flap and place and repeat nonsense words to myself.
Sigh.
I'm not even sure I can go back to that office. It doesn't feel safe anymore, like a sacred space has been violated.
I'm guessing I'll peak into the office to check the state of the shade, to make sure it isn't up, probably for a few weeks if not a few months.
I ended the session early. It was pointless.
I guess I just need to have a meltdown and behave like Rainman once every couple of months so I don't forget I'm autistic.
I'd just like a quiet, predictable, low-key, dramafree life with as little distress as possible.
Unpredictable things are always going to happen. It's best to take it easy whenever I can. There's so much that doesn't need to be done. I'm entitled to sit, unwind, process and calm down no matter how long it takes.
Thanks for reading
Maybe she thought I was joking. I was trying to forwarn her not to make any big unnecessary changes.
Today I walked in, sat down and noticed that the shade, which for 80 visits had always been completely closed, was open about 7 inches.
All these thoughts ran through my mind in a few seconds:
Oh, this is different.
I like this. I can see outside.
It makes it brighter in here.
Why didn't we do this sooner?
Lol, then a human walked by on the sidewalk. Then I noticed the nearby office window and realized the secretary was in my line of sight.
I flipped.
Jumped off my seat, started yammering, hid where the window couldn't see me and waited for my therapist to enter.
I was sputtering, "fix the window, fix the window, fix the window!" (I'm known for repeating certain, important or puzzling things x3.)
Therapist promptly went to the window and adjusted it back to normal.
The switch had been flipped. I was upset, crying, alternating between sitting, pacing and rocking, flapping arms, hands and fingers. I was full blown meltdown.
The agenda for my therapy session was completely overridden. I had taken hours to organize, list and line up the items that I wanted to discuss. Hours. I get one hour a week to vent, analysis and share so I'm careful to prioritize and list items in sequence of importance. And in an instant, in one unpredictable moment, when something small changed, all my work was gone.
I felt the futility as my hands flapped. I knew, once melting like this, that the entire session was as good as down. Nothing productive was going to take place. Not one of the items on my list. My insurance would pay for a lost, useless session and whatever was on my agenda was thrown to the backburner.
My therapist asked if there was anything she could do but experience has taught me there is nothing anyone can do. I needed to get away from the surprise, the shade, that room. I needed to get somewhere safe where I could flap and place and repeat nonsense words to myself.
Sigh.
I'm not even sure I can go back to that office. It doesn't feel safe anymore, like a sacred space has been violated.
I'm guessing I'll peak into the office to check the state of the shade, to make sure it isn't up, probably for a few weeks if not a few months.
I ended the session early. It was pointless.
I guess I just need to have a meltdown and behave like Rainman once every couple of months so I don't forget I'm autistic.
I'd just like a quiet, predictable, low-key, dramafree life with as little distress as possible.
Unpredictable things are always going to happen. It's best to take it easy whenever I can. There's so much that doesn't need to be done. I'm entitled to sit, unwind, process and calm down no matter how long it takes.
Thanks for reading
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