My life is severely changing and challenging in new ways. I'm not sure what my life will look like next week. I'm not who I was or thought I was. Once a mother, now grown children considerable distance away.
I make a single friend once in awhile. I realize that the possibility of ever having a significant other grows more remote with each passing day. My family of origin is irrefutably gone. My depth of loneliness is sometimes the oily sheen upon the ocean whilst other days I am plunged within its depths so far not the tiniest trace of daylight can be found.
My ability to communicate effectively seems to be an idle thought with no engine. In-person people rarely understand me yet I think I am making my self clear.
I believe the only routes left are Crazy Little Dog Lady, Eccentric Artist and Consummate Hermit. Those three are me. They are appropriate titles that I fully understand.
My goal is to pare down my lifestyle, go out and interact as little as possible, reduce any lingering need for human contact and connectedness, and stop trying to make sense to anyone other than myself. Maybe the days of banging my head against a wall are over.
I need to stop searching for the impossible, someone who understands me and connects while accepting that this is all that I am, a single person with little value who bests functions in obscurity.
Life
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