Within my hands, now, something I never had before...the power to release all the bad that had been imposed upon me.
Growing up, I had to suck it up, hold it in, teach myself to become a liar, believing that an accidental release, a slight slip of the tongue, would allow others to know the hideous crimes I was committing. I was entrusted with the secrets of incest, the ongoing, thrice weekly child rapes, the neglect of hunger and daily needs, the daily beatings and the extreme distress. I had to lie to everyone, a crime against my soul and completely against my autistic love of truth.
I hated myself for the believed "guilt". Hated myself for being an unwilling, coerced party to mayhem and sadism. I knew right from wrong....and yet I could never let out, speak of or give any hint of all the wrongs. I ingested, became, took in, all that was bad. I was the outward and inward antithesis of everything I despised.
Now, I am safe and free. Ive been mouthing and whispering these words for weeks, "I am safe and I am free." After weeks, I can finally believe it.
My life is now my own. No one is actively trying to hurt me, so life is good. I may be quite slow in processing information but I certainly get it now.
I know good from bad and now I can release all the bad.
I can talk about what happened. I can recognize and release the old patterns. I can forgive myself for all erroneously perceived "guilt" over crimes that were never, ever mine.
I can Seperate what I was taught from what really happened. I open my hands allowing the clenched fists to finally let go....of my fathers, my mothers, festering, toxic garbage...the waste of generational abuse.
My hands are open and raised for all to see.
I am good, an intrinsically good, honorable and carrying person who was sadistically tortured and traumatized, twisted into such hate and cruelty. I let go of all misbegotten ideas ad thoughts that I was ever a bad child....not a speck of bad belongs within. I am and always have been completely innocent and pure. It's time to breathe in all the wonder that I am. Time to accept all my good. Time to release, to speak, to write and let go of all the bad.
Buckle your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy ride to my personal salvation.
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