I'm trying to figure out a number of things. 1) To think for myself. I spent my childhood trying to avoid getting beat and molested so I kept my mouth shut and was a very agreeable, don't rock the boat kind of kid.
2) Working on building some sort of stable foundation of self. My earliest memories all involved my dad molesting me and mom drowning me. I've never had a base, a foundation, legs to stand on. Trying to connect to this world is challenging as I spent most of my time dissociating and avoiding pain. There was no one to trust, no one to lean on or care for me. It's tough to learn to rely and love yourself without any experience.
3) Figuring out who I am minus constant fear and anxiety. F and A take up a huge part of my psyche. The younger, stuck parts of me still live with what they were taught and felt. All people hurt. Life is about trying to leave my body, dissociate, and constant hyper vigilance. I've got to convince my parts that the past is over. A lot of my parts are going to be lost, lose their jobs and sole functions if we figure out the world is safe and it's safe to be in the body.
4) How empty and confused will I be if all the fear left? What is something positive to fill such gaping voids? Fear and pain was all I knew as a child...yeah, trying breaking childhood engrained patterns. It's a job and a half. So much is involved...hard to accurately portray how much fear engulfed my every waking, sleeping moments for days and weeks on end.
5) Lots of work to continue doing.
6) Dealing with the sensations from these increasing flashbacks, such weirdie physical and emotional sensations to try and identify and place appropriately.
Arrrggghhh. I'm incredibly strong and resiliant. I an do this. It's a ton of work but I was born with a smart brain and a desire to heal.
Processing therapy today should take me all week till the next appointment. Its like my job. The pay isn't great but the benefits from the out coming are phenom!
Thanks for reading.
Have a peaceful night.
