I fully understand why such a thought is firmly entrenched. My everyday experiences for ten years deeply planted and reinforced these thinking patterns.
Lately, I've been wondering, wow, what would it feel like to see the world and the majority of peoples as kind, benevolent, or at least neutral characters in this waking dream of mine?
This fear of being hurt is like the white line down the middle of the road that I have automatically, religiously followed. I'm not sure how I'd find my bearings or know which direction to go in if I "removed the line", the thoughts.
In truth, in this present day reality, mentality, I am quite safe. It being over twenty some, no, thirty some years since anyone actively hurt me, it really is safe to say that the coast is clear and there are no criminals hiding in the bushes.
Boy, try and change a belief from your childhood, no simple task. Children are like sponges, absorbing their experiences deeply.
Aspies, autistics are even more adept at generalizing painful experiences. Ergo, I slipped once on ice, therefore all ice is bad and to be avoided. Aspies never forget the pain of a fall, so avoid anything that even remotely appears slippery and slick.
My reality was...only immediate family members harmed me. Wait a tick....let that sink in. It seems profound and largesse.
Only members of my immediate, biological family harmed me. Mostly. There were a couple of...incidents in which harm involved my dad and one of his friends. But let's not nit pick. My family hurt me. Yet, I fear the majority of people. Hmm. Logically, that doesnt seem like a fair assumption. And get this, my family is gone. They are not people I see or interact with personally. They live at least two hours away. Oh, methinks the wheels slowly turn and click into place. Otherwise known as the lightbulb going off over my head.
It's not like I feel this fear in public places, grocery stores or school. I think mostly the fear shows itself when I am alone with another person I don't thoroughly know, or amongst a small or large group, by myself and with little knowledge of the others.
No one is out to hurt me anymore, really. Such a small sentence with a huge meaning. Seriously, I have to recite this new "mantra" for days and weeks in order to displace, pry up, the old thought pattern and replace it with healthier thinking.
Really, I am not lying to you, oh wise and wounded inner child....seriously, the only people that wounded were family And They Are gone and out of my life!
Yup, it will take awhile.
Nothing like a bit of thinking out loud to produce highly therapeutic, healthy results:)
Off to recite!
Be well
Thanks for reading:)
